Bad week for an ignored text

[NightSky]

During these past two weeks I’ve had a family situation that prompted me to do some digging about my past (I don’t have memories from 0-10) And for the first time I reached out to a cousin to ask some questions about growing up around the family member I assume was the perpetrator of csa for me, but will never know for sure. I’ve never done any digging because I won’t falsely accuse. But if my cousin had confirmed anything, I would have been going to the police, to keep current family members safe. My T encouraged me to reach out to my cousin. And the feedback I got did not confirm the flashbacks i have (I didn’t expect it to. I was alone in them) but did give me a lot of information I didn’t have about how this relative would seek us out regularly and threaten to kill and hurt us when we were children. I have no memory of this. My cousin filled me in on how afraid i always was of this relative, and things he would say to us. And it was sort of a shock to my system. Like this was a trauma I didn’t even know I had because I have no memory.
Unfortunately this email exchange with my cousin happened right after my therapy session last week. And it sent me into the worse dissociative brain fog I’ve ever had. Almost unable to function. I regularly email my T once a week or every other week but the fog made it so I didn’t want contact with anyone after it happened.
The fog started to dissipate and I saw a snowstorm would be likely forcing my session to be canceled this past Tuesday. So I emailed my T Sunday night and filled her in. I didn’t get a response but often don’t with email and I’m completely okay with that. Then I had to text her tue at 11 because it was snowing like crazy and she hadn’t cancelled our appointment for that evening yet. I asked if she was working and she said she would have to cancel but wanted to email me with all of her thoughts about my email. And then hours later texted with a time for our session next week. I said okay, but if anyone cancels this week last minute and she can fit me in, please let me know. She never responded. It is now Thursday and i have heard nothing and she doesn’t work fridays so I will not see her this week. And feel like if there was ever a time I needed a session it was this week.
I’m feeling a lot of things. Anger at myself for feeling like I NEED a session. Frustration with her for not even sending a line back like “ok I’ll let you know.” Or “usually I don’t have last minute cancellations.” Something. This sort of thing tends to be a trigger for me and the wall goes up and now I feel frustrated with her when i have enough of my own trauma responses and symptoms to manage that I don’t feel like throwing relational stuff on top of it. She’s always responsive and thoughtful. And people are human. And I never take things like this personally from any other person. So I think my anger at her is really at myself for needing her. Therefore I don’t know what kind of response is appropriate, if any. I wanted the session to be proactive because I can feel myself inching toward a bad place. But I don’t want to message her and say that because it feels manipulative?
Do I suck it up and wait til next session and bring it up? If so, is saying her lack of response at a time like this really hurt? Is this so over the top sensitive? Is that like saying I don’t expect her to have boundaries? Or is this the type of text that deserved a response and my reaction is normal?
I really don’t know how to ask for what I need. And I ALWAYS fear pushing boundaries. I want to email or text before session next tue so I can get it out of the way, but I don’t know what to say or if these needs and feelings are misplaced.
Thank you if you’ve made it this far. My brain feels so jumbled and my emotions are intense which is unusual. I need some clarity and outside perspectives

 

[scout86]

I wanted the session to be proactive because I can feel myself inching toward a bad place. But I don’t want to message her and say that because it feels manipulative?

My idea of "manipulative" would be if you told her that when it wasn't actually true, trying to provoke a specific response. Letting her know you're having a rough time is just providing useful information.

Something I find myself doing with my T is saying things like "if you have any cancellations this week, let me know". And then THINKING that's me, being vulnerable, and it was so hard to say even that much that CLEARLY he knows I'm freaking out here...... And, in reality, he has no idea, or only a vague idea, of what's actually going on inside my head. (He's really good at his job, but apparently he's not THAT good.) I can think of one time, during a session, when he said something that led to me trying to decide whether or not I could beat him to the door, I was THAT threatened. When we talked about it later, he said he could tell he'd hit a nerve, but he had no idea it was THAT kind of nerve. (Note to self, he actually CAN'T read my mind!) He also asked if it had ever occurred to me that he'd just let me leave if I wanted to. (No, that possibility never crossed my mind.)

Anyway, I can totally see why you'd be stressing about this, and where it might seem like she should have been able to figure that out. Quite possibly she didn't totally get it. I don't think you'd be out of line to enlighten her a little. It's just more useful information. She can be more helpful the more she knows.

 

[hithere]

Do I suck it up and wait til next session and bring it up? If so, is saying her lack of response at a time like this really hurt?

First may I ask if you are an adult? If so, then,Ok, this is just my opinion. so ignore it it's not helpful. from where I am -- I would say "suck it up" and wait until your next session. By "suck it up" I don't really mean "suck it up" What I mean is you can use this time right now to take care of yourself and also get some work about this information done.

Or it is a good time to learn and to put in some practice of "caring" for yourself. There are many things you can try to do. Journaling is super helpful. Writing to your youngself. Coloring. Painting. Also distractions. Forcing yourself to go out with a friend and be social. It would be helpful if you talk about your emotions at her non-response-but let her know from an adult perspective you know she is human and things come up, but that you want to talk about how the "you that was traumatised" felt -- you might just have a little "victory" to share with the therapist when you her again. You may be able to share how you took care of yourself during this stressful time.

Also, what I did when I was being "flooded" with flashbacks, outrageous stuff, and wanted to tell the therapist but could not, I wrote it down on a little piece of paper and drew a symbol to represent it. Then I put it inside of a small tupperware container with a tight lid. And then stuffed it in the bottom of a drawer. And I said, ok, all this crap is inside this container. I will bring the container to my session and open up what is inside at the session.

In the past I have also done a visualisation that I put the crap inside of a decorative box with a good tight lid and put it up on a shelf. Or used a visual of a pretty piece of luggage. (get it--extra baggage) and put it away until my session. Visualisations work for me. Our imaginations are wonderful gifts and we can use them to help us.

 

[NightSky]

Thank you both. Very helpful perspectives. @scout86 you’re so right that if I feel like I’ve been so obvious about my needs, they should be clear and I’m OBVIOUSLY freaking out. And all I said in reality was let me know if you have an opening.
And @hithere you’re right- I am adult. And it’s not my adult self who is hurt and angry. I like all of your ideas and will use them.
Sometimes I just get so tripped up on the “journey” of healing and feel like I’ve hit the final wall and simply cannot find new and creative ways to deal with all of the trauma brain symptoms. I just want give up. For whatever reason that’s the reaction I’m having to this but I’m sure (I hope) it’s temporary.
Thanks so much for your input.

 

[grit]

Think about the last time your therapist was so helpful and you were overjoyed! for someone who got you and understand you.

Try to remember that time and write about it. The reason I am saying this is now you are charged about the family, information and you are clearly in fight mode. You are feeling same things that you dissociated from before 10. So as Hithere said, please take this time to get to know that side of you since you are getting how scared you were then. No wonder you dissociated from it so successfully until now.

 

[barefoot]

I’ve only just seen this @NightSky. I can understand that this rattled you - things like this sometimes get me with my T too, even though we have a very good relationship and good communication overall.

How are you feeling about it now? Did you get in touch with her about it or decide to leave it and possibly bring it up when you next see her?

 

[NightSky]

Thank you for asking, @barefoot!
So, I saw her tue after she tried to reschedule again for what would be the first session after this incident, and the day she was trying to schedule me for, had snow in the forecast again. I lost it, but I didn’t tell her that. Just sent her the forecast. And she moved my time so she could see me earlier on the scheduled day and said she knew we couldn’t/couldn’t miss another week. I was grateful for that, so I went in and didn’t talk about any of it because I had far too much current stuff to process and didn’t want to waste the time. I realized after I left that was a mistake. I talked about facts with her but didn’t go anywhere near anything that would’ve made me even a little bit emotional- the stuff I really needed help processing...
I emailed her after the session and explained that I had felt defensive and “the wall” was up, and told her why. I explained how I felt really desperate/needy to ask to be fit in, and wasn’t sure how honest I should’ve been about how unstable I was feeling, or if that would’ve been manipulative. And that her trying to reschedule again made me lose it. And feeling like i “need” her has me totally freaked out.
She thanked me for the email, and I see her Monday, although now there’s another storm in the forecast. I don’t do well with inconsistency at all. It makes me crazy. I know we will talk about it then if it’s not canceled. It’s so frustrating that all of the relationship stuff takes front and center. But as I explained in the email, if I’m feeling defensive I can’t talk about it or I cry, and I can’t cry if I feel defensive. Total catch 22.
We’ll see how Monday goes. ??‍

 

[barefoot]

Well done for recognising that keeping it in wasn’t serving you and for putting it out there on email after the session.

I do tend to find that when I let my T know about the yucky, needy feels, it does help - it can feel excruciating in the moment but then seems to dial down the intensity of those feelings, just by having shared it and her being ok with me sharing it. I hope this happens for you too.

Inconsistency with sessions being rescheduled due to weather or illness or whatever and all you want to do is just get in there and get all the shizzle out sure doesn’t help when these sorts of things are rattling around. Will be keeping my fingers crossed that the storm holds off and that you can go ahead with your session on Monday and get this cleared out.

The relationship stuff taking front of centre...hell, yeah...I feel your pain!

 

[barefoot]

How did Monday go @NightSky ?

 

[NightSky]

It went well! She brought my email up and we went through it together. She said she was really glad I brought it up because if I hadn’t, the defensiveness I was feeling would’ve/could’ve continued to get in the way. She assured me that I wasn’t asking too much. Although in retrospect I don’t think she commented on why she didn’t text back ? and I still feel like I need to reiterate it wasn’t the not fitting me in that made me feel bad, it was the non response. But ultimately it just boils down to me feeling like I’m too much. And she always tells me that’s far from the truth. So it was productive. Thank you!