Bad Weekend

[kris]

Even though this weekend was the 4th of July, and I was with family to celebrate I still have had some very troubling thoughts. I was on my way home today and I just had finished a book, in the book one of the main characters dies on the 23rd of July. Now I have this dreadful weird feeling that I am going to die on the 23rd of July. It is not like I have a plan or anything but I have this sense of calm like, that has come over me and I have accepted it as my fate that this will happen.

I am afraid to tell my therapist this as I think he will view it as an intentional plan and force me to go to the hospital.

Oh and I think this is the right spot to post this, for its like I am not me, I am the character in the book and am daydreaming of what I think her life was like.

 

[anni]

Hi Kris,

I don't know if this is helpful, but after 5 years with my T I absolutely know he wouldn't have reacted like you're afraid yours will.They're pretty good at reading the real situation, I think. He'd have done that 'thing' he always did to 'talk me down' from 'the thoughts', whatever they were. He'd tell me to list 5 reasons why that could possibly be true logically. Sigh. Well of course you never can and I guess what happens is after a few your head allows itself to somehow 'believe it'. My head tends to get stuck at the disaster end of whatever spectrum. too then that's the only reality there is-forever and ever The END. Somehow this list thing got all that unstuck, and still does, mostly.

 

[kris]

Well I had an appointment and I could not bring myself to tell the therapist what I wrote above. I guess I am a chicken today... I think he had a sense that I was not disclosing something because he flat out asked me if there was anything else in the past week that had or was bothering me, I said NO. I didn't feel like talking much today, not that I ever do, but it was worse than usual. The therapist was also getting on my nerves, and then I shut down and don't want to do or say anything. It was nothing that he said or did, it's just during times of increased depression and stress people asking me my plans and "bugging" me about my thoughs and feelings has a tendency to piss me off.