Relationship Baffled

[lostforgottensoul]

Is there anything we can do to assure you that we accept you for who you are, that we can ride through these storms with you -- that you ARE good enough?

No, not really. I mean there are little things one can do but for the most part we have to do that work ourselves. We have to understand that we are worthy. It's not a feeling given to us by others but rather a feeling of self worth that we must find within ourselves. I have always doubted that I could find that self worth. 9 yrs into it and I'm still trying. You can do all the right things and we still must find self worth in ourselves before we can really allow anyone else to love us, if that makes any sense. For me, right now, "love" would fall on complete deaf ears because I have no idea what "love" is yet. You can see 9 yrs of therapy but I only was able to shift blame off of myself (the bulk of it anyway) and onto them and saw it as abuse only like 2 yrs ago. Maybe less. Before that it wasn't abuse to me but rather right, justified, and holy. So, to try to flip upside my own definition of "love"? I'm not there yet. To me love is vile sex, pain, mutalation, rituals, blood....and other stuff. So, to change that takes a lot of work.

So, I guess what I'm saying is you can do all the right things as a supporter and SO and still, we are incapable of accepting that love because we have not yet found self worth and feel that we are not worthy to be loved nor can we accept that love due to that. And then we need to redefine what love is in order to accept or give out love. Speaking for myself that is. I say we but only can speak for myself.

 

[WTF Happened]

Thanks for the thoughtful response, @lostforgottensoul.

What's interesting (if that's the right word... enlightening?) is how well you can speak to exactly what's going on with you -- that your definition of love is skewed and that you push people who love you away -- but that knowledge doesn't necessarily change how you feel or stop you from pushing love away.

I hope you can receive my sincere appreciation for sharing and helping us non-sufferers to make some sort of sense out of the chaos.

 

[scout86]

Is there anything we can do to assure you that we accept you for who you are, that we can ride through these storms with you -- that you ARE good enough?

Personally, I find it helpful if someone actually says that. Not that I'm going to believe it the first hundred times I hear it. The first hundred times, I'm going to assume they're lying, it's trick, they don't really know what they're talking about, they'll change their minds, once they REALLY get to know me, something. Eventually, it might occur to me they really do mean it. But who puts up with that, right?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks for the thoughtful response, @lostforgottensoul.

I hope you can receive my sincere appreciation for sharing and helping us non-sufferers to make some sort of sense out of the chaos.

You are very welcome. I'm glad I could be of help!

Another thing that may help is my very unconscience "tests". Do they really love me. What if I throw this "trauma" at them or that "trauma" at them or this "how f*cked in the head i am" or that "what I've done/how much of a monster I am".

I think if might be a way of pushing people away but it's sort of goes along with what @scout86 said. It's good to hear I'm worthy a million times but it's also good to hear how worth of love I am after all of my "throwing stuff at you to see how much you can handle and if you really love the true me of if you'll end up leaving like everyone else" tests as well.

If that made any sense. It's a test to see if you'll leave. Did the same to my therapist. Did it so obvious once he actually said "you know that you're testing me, seeing if I'll leave, don't you?"

Not sure if it relates but it came to mind.

ETA: Also, keep in mind that it's totally unconscience and I don't even know I'm doing it. That's why my therapist pointed it out that way.

 

[anon1234]

But who puts up with that, right?

Somebody who is waiting for the opportunity to just be able to say it...
I'm being isolated right now and I just would like the opportunity to provide reassurance.

 

[anon1234]

It's a test to see if you'll leave.

Thanks for your inputs...been lurking here but I've been suspecting this mindset might be at play. I am truly appreciative of all the posts to help us understand what might be going on.

 

[EveHarrington]

@lostforgottensoul Is there anything we can do to assure you that we accept you...

I think it would be a good idea to look up the DBT concept of “wise mind” (it’s a Venn diagram). I think it would explain a lot.

When in “wise mind” we can rationally think things through while taking emotions into account. When triggered we slip into “emotional mind” and rationality goes out the window. Emotions are running the show. Nothing rational is going to register in our minds, or even matter.

It doesn’t matter if you say you’ll be there for us. Experience tells us you will walk away, like everyone else. You’re not safe, nobody is safe. Nobody can be trusted, but ourselves.

Threaten to walk away? Go ahead, I don’t care. Cross my boundaries after I request space? Buh-bye. (On the flip side, actually give me space when I say I need it? You’ve surprisingly have increased your trustworthiness.)

 

[anon1234]

So helpful Eve. Thanks

 

[joeylittle]

When in “wise mind” we can rationally think things through while taking emotions into account. When triggered we slip into “emotional mind” and rationality goes out the window. Emotions are running the show.

Great example of how a little bit of shared mental health vocabulary between partners (in this case, the DBT concept of wise mind) can go a long way towards improving communication and understanding.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Another thing that may help is my very unconscience "tests". Do they really love me. What if I throw this "trauma" at them or that "trauma" at them or this "how f*cked in the head i am" or that "what I've done/how much of a monster I am".

Thank you so much for sharing @lostforgottensoul! I have been thinking that this is what my honey was unconsciously doing recently. Its reassuring to hear that someone else has actually had this pointed out to them by their therapist.

Thanks for trusting us with this part of your story! Very helpful!