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Discussion in 'Supporter Relationships' started by NeedingSolomon, Apr 11, 2018.
Yes, it absolutely was!
Exactly as I've had it described it to me. He wanted to protect me. He really thought isolation was a better thing for me at the time. Now I've learned that when he goes silent, he hasn't gone anywhere. He is just having a bad time and I give him loving space.
Thanks for your detailed explanation, what do you mean protect the other person from the effects of PTSD?
My partner complex PTSD resurfaced after many years of normal life, after the perpetrator kept emotionally black mailing him. So after I came back from a trip he started yelling me I hate you and get out ...but couldn't engage in a rational conversation. ..now he is giving me the radio silence treatment. ..I move to a different bedroom i do my stuff ...I am trying to show that he can trust him but I am not pressuring him ...we were together 20 years it is also my house and I am not going anywhere. ..for now..
I hope he can come out of this black hole..
I wish I had advice. I'm in that almost exact spot. Friends for a year, talking every day 8 hours a day most days and seeing each other on site at work and always together. Start relationship and things go good for 3 months before being triggered and now no communication outside of hi. Yesterday was the first day in a month we snuggled. I wish we hadnt. I have been giving myself lots.of space for myself and him AND that's been the best thing to help so far. So I guess I would say in your situation since I am in a similar one is reiterating the wonderful advice I have been given on here. Don't try to pressure him, don't try to fight to reel him back in because you don't know what may have triggered him to get into this state. Just give him his breathing room. My guy has unresolved anger from his bitter divorce so a relationship or anything that feels like one can make him irritable so I just do me and leave it at that. You can still care about this perspn, pray for him, love him, encourage him, but don't invest all your energy into him because he isn't in a.place to receive and appreciate it. Ptsd is a selfish state of mind in that the mind is trying to survive, he will not prioritize other feelings or thoughts outside of that. So complex feelings and emotions don't compute. Also, don't lower the standards of what you need in accepting bits of him when he is partially there. You want someone to love you 100 percent not just 5 percent on a good day so when he is mad just take your space. I hope that helps, I wish I had better advice but my own situation is one day at a time.
I know you are going through a hard time but please take some comfort in knowing you are not alone, I am right there with you at this very second. One minute a glimpse of love the next its like he is gone again. Your description of a black hole is exactly what i told my therapist. Nothing gets in and nothing gets out.
Exactly what it says. PTSD isn't pretty or fun. It is intense, insane, up and down, dark, emotionally draining, blind rage, suicidality, up one second and down the next, unintenial manipulation, sexually charged, pushing you away hard one second and pulling you back hard the next, go away, leave me alone, no! Come back! Flashbacks, irrational thoughts and inabilty to be rational, irrational fears, insane fears, hit the ground fears, do anything to get away from seemingly everyday things...
All of the above and more.
Thanks for your valuable explanation, I hope I am doing the right by giving him a lot of space but helping with little things when he lets me. He his very lonely, as he pushed everyone away. I hope he knows the he can trust me.
I think you're confusing your BPD with PTSD. The symptom outcomes you describe are borderline personality based, not PTSD.
They tend to mesh but some of them are PTSD such as flashbacks, irrational fears (and hit the ground fears and I'd add isolating fears) and thoughts, and blind rage seems common here in the supporter area as well as the vets but it is hard to seperate them as they are meshed so I tend to not be able to seperate what's what but that doesn't matter. My point was PTSD isn't pretty and is very ugly and we tend to push people away that we love to save them from the bad ugly parts of PTSD. Someone asked me what that was and I gave the examples that I could. Either way, PTSD isn't pretty, is very ugly, nasty, intense, and hard for supporters. What the symptoms are will vary. If someone wants exacts I would suggest reading the DSM/ICD.
ETA: I would add deep disoccoation and panic attacks as well as horrid active nigjtmares to that list. Forgot about them.
Also a reminder that CPTSD in the ICD has a lot of this emotional deregulations in it.
This is my list of things I push people away to save them from. Everyone's list will be very different. But PTSD push & pull is a real thing.
So I heard from my vet about 4 days ago. He sent me about a 30 second video of him sitting in his convertible with the top down. It looked like he was in a shopping center parking lot. He was wearing aviator sunglasses and listening to the song 'Alive & Kicking' by Simple Minds. The music was really loud. Then he held up a can of Pepsi, said '1985' in a very loud voice and took a swig from the can. Then he turned his face away from the camera & started bopping his head to the music. That was all. I absolutely have zero idea what the video means including him saying '1985.' I did notice a few things about him. He has gotten his hair cut very short, military style, & has shaven off all facial hair. He definitely looks military. He had a smug, almost defiant look on his face, & his voice was loud (perhaps to speak over the volume of the music) but it also sounded aggressive. I have not heard him sound this way before. I saw he had an entry on a dating website we met on that said he may not be in our state much longer because he's planning on driving across the country in a Jeep. I am not upset over the website because we were not really together & have made no promises to each other. However, I definitely got the feeling that the video was some kind of message for me. Like he's a ''free ranger' and I have been holding him back. Or he's moving on from me. The bizarre thing is that we only were together once, I have not been pursuing him in any way, & there were no expectations spoken or unspoken. Since we met a month and a half ago, I only responded if he texted me. I have not iniated any communication nor asked to meet him again. I have deliberately kept my responses light. Furthermore, I know he could never drive across country, let alone in a Jeep, because of the injuries to his back and knees. I am sorry for the length of this post, but I wanted to convey the context. It is all very strange & I would appreciate any insights from the wonderful folks on this site. I am not pining for him & I am carrying on with my life. But, if he isn't interested in me, why send me the video? Just don't contact me anymore. I wouldn't pursue him. I get the idea he actually in some way deep down doesn't want to break off all contact. But, I may be absolutely wrong. Still remain baffled. Thanks for the support.
The only thing I can help clarify here is that "Alive and Kicking" came out in 1985.
Other than that...I'm also at a loss. Maybe he had been drinking?