Barely Hanging On. Nothing Is Making Sense.

[Deleted member 32956]

I have been in such a dark place. Because of my past. I can't make sense of anything. My thoughts. My feelings. The way I feel I can't exactly explain. I saw my T yesterday. I haven't seen her lately. I have felt like I made a lot of progress in terms of my mental health and my past. I felt happy and at peace. I have been dealing with reasonings and thoughts she calls irrational and illogical. I explained her my new cognitive processes. I firmly believe I was being logical. She just had to fight my new thought processes. Even when I try to give her proof more or less of why I believe I am being logical she puts me down in a way. I thought I was healing. Making of sense of things. Now I am trying to figure out why my new cognitive processes aren't logical when I feel like I had proof of this. Now I'm questioning my thoughts. About everything. I immediately felt the urge to lash out on everyone. On myself and others. I've thought about checking out all day today. My brain feels like goo. A mess. I can't make sense of anything. I can't tell what's real. I can't tell what's logical and what's not. Super depressed. But at the same time I don't know how to exactly explain how I feel. I feel like I can't relate to others. Like everyone else is above me. Better than me. But not in an insecurity level. But as if I'm not important. And weird. Damaged. Today has felt relatively dream life. I didn't sleep much so I don't know if that's why. No energy. Irritable. Short fuse in regards to everything. Today just feels like I'm in a terrible reality. I feel a sense of paranoia. As if everyone hates me. Talking behind my back. Like I get those vibes from people from interacting with them.

 

[ladee]

Oh @PaintedDreams124, I totally relate to what you shared... I am weird and I am damaged, but I am important. I too have a hard time expressing what I am feeling because I stay in my head so much...If someone does take the time to notice that I am not ok... and ask me what is going on... I just freeze...It's all there in my head, in my body, and I couldn't put it into words even if I was facing a firing squad... so at least you are not alone..
Could you share an example of what you shared with her that she contradicted? By all means, dont if you are uncomfortable.. have you had success with this T in the past? You shared you hadn't seen her in awhile...
I hate this for you... because I totally understand how you feel... but here, at least, we do understand each other when we make no sense to any one else...
I appreciate that you posted... it helps ME to not feel so alone too... Be gentle with yourself.. the crazy thing about life, much less PTSD, is that things change... so don't disappear five minutes before the miracle happens... sending you gentle hugs if you accept.. If not ready for hugs, put them on a shelf and take one down later when you can or want to...