Beast 1 Me 0

[Grizzly]

3 hours of sleep now in 2 days. And very little prior nights this past week. I have been working out of town and rather than getting a hotel, I decided to drive every day. So early mornings and late days. My cycle of sleep as all shot to crap. Like it was ever that good anyways.

I have been doing a lot of meditating just to re-charge. But this will cause me not to be able to sleep later though.

On top of that I have been having strange ass dreams. Some may say their nightmares. Put they don't scare me anymore. They just hang over my head all day. They really remind me of the old MTV videos of the band Tool.

So tonight I decided it was time to pop a sleeping pill. I hate doing this. Cause they comatose me the entire next day. This is a new pill and I have no idea what it'll do or if it'll even work.

The flavor of the month is hydroxyzine followed with a beer back. I hope it works.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Damn those tool video's are trippy.
How'd the new sleeping pill help out Grizz?

 

[Grizzly]

Well it definitely filled its primary purpose.

Today though I feel like all I'm able to do is waste oxygen. I've barely been up to do anything remotely productive.

So I'm asking myself if it was even worth it? Take the pill, sleep all night and wallow in self pity all day. Don't take it and be ultra alert, super pissed but productive, exhausted and stressed. The latter statement seems to tip the scales at the moment I think.

I went probably fell to sleep at around 11:30 and awoke at 0700. So 7 1/2 hours. Which is very rare for me anyway. Then I laid back down and slept 3 more hours.

I did manage to get my ass up and mow and weed eat my yard. Sadly that's all I can get motivated and do after the heat and humidity zapped the rest of my energy and motivation.

 

[Friday]

Depends on how much ya need those rough edges from sleep dep knocked off! Catnaps only do so much. Keeps the hallucinations at bay, and that's about it. If I don't get at least 1 solid night a week? (Or a couple half nights) I am not fit to be in the human race. Temper like a stripped wire. Anything that touches it is gonna get zapped. And then I'm really gonna be fried. Maybe next time just plan on being out for 24? However many asleep, and then however many flat out? Maybe plan a movie marathon day with the kids?

 

[vikingr24]

Hydroxyzine (Atarax) is much like taking Dramamine or Benadryl. It is derived from an anti-histamine so it is also good for allergies.

Beerbacking it doubles the effects and probably contributes to the comatose feelings you have when you take it.

If it works, I say continue to take it. It's a fairly safe drug.

 

[Grizzly]

Hydroxyzine (Atarax) is much like taking Dramamine or Benadryl. It is derived from an anti-histamine so it is also good for allergies.

Beerbacking it doubles the effects and probably contributes to the comatose feelings you have when you take it.

If it works, I say continue to take it. It's a fairly safe drug.

All of these pills have the sedating effect with me. I was taking mirtazapine. It was the same, only worse I think.

Interesting enough. After sleeping the majority of yesterday I had one of the best 8 hour sleeps I've had in a while.

I may try it again in a few days and see if I can get my body used to this.

I still don't feel like it was worth losing a day of activity. I felt very depressed yesterday. Mad at myself mostly. I wanted to get active, just didn't want to get up.

 

[vikingr24]

Ask your doc about things like the tri- and quadri-cyclic antidepressants. Trazodone is one that did me well for a long time. And I woke up refreshed and actually less depressed. I might go back to it. You can't drink alcohol with it because it's toxic. Makes you real nauseous in the morning. Work up to 150 mgs. or more depending on your weight and adaptability. You know there are stronger things out there and some of the guys here can attest to that. I don't have the balls to try anything stronger than trazodone.

For settling down during the day, there is a health product out called Gaba. Big pill. Mellows you out and helps get to a calm area in your mind. Bear in mind, there is no evidence that it does calm you but there have been no rigorous studies anyway. Some small studies suggest that it does work.

Hydroxyzine made my throat real dry.

 

[Grizzly]

I am really close to giving up on all this!

I went and saw a new therapist today. What a horrible afternoon it was. I was kind of excited prior to the possibility of some actual help.

We exchange small talk. Then I get into telling him my life and explain how I've been diagnosed with PTSD from combat. He goes into tellimg me he has great news. 70% of all his patients have been cured of PTSD. I thought to myself that very moment "Really!" and then knew the session wasn't going to improve that point forward.

He seemed to be more hung up on my childhood. And mentioned that this was predominantly why most people have PTSD. He centered more on my underlying problems of fear. I'm like "No shit sherlock!".

This is the last T in my area aside from the VA. And I hate to say it, but I did feel more comfortable there.

I feel so mad at myself now. Give the beast another point! 2-0 now.

 

[Friday]

I have to leave the state (and it's not a small state, 5 hour drive each way) if I want to find a private counselor with military experience. Took me 6 months of driving circles, and dozens of into appointments (and far too many phone calls) to find that out. (No. Not rape. Combat. Caaaaaah-mmmmm-baaaaaat. No not f*cking childhood abuse, CSA, DID, STFU and walk into this, for f*cks sake. Can I be any damn clearer you motherf*cking moron?!?)

It's not 2-0.

From experience, if you managed not to throttle this asshole? That's a win.

 

[Friday]

I can't handle the VA. Long story, not relevant. What I've considered doing, however, is hitting up VetCenters to see if any of their counselors moonlight. Knowing the shit pay these guys make? I suspect so. I just haven't had the energy to start with another round of phone calls.

 

[Grizzly]

I looked into the Vet Center here once. While it's not my cup of tea I may have to give it a whirl. My original T, a Nam vet actually runs the group at the Vet Center. I was going to him, doing great. But then got busy with work, changed jobs, and now it's difficult. He only does private once a week as he has been doing it for 50 years this is his retirement gig. So I kinda get it.

At I mentioned in another thread. I was getting pretty good treatment at the VA up until I became service connected. Then it seemed like it all changed once I stopped paying out of my own pocket.

 

[vikingr24]

Griz,

Never give up. The therapist you saw is on ONE of the paths to helping at least understand why the PTSD happened. And I agree that if anyone is at this forum, it is probably long term and delayed PTSD, which means exactly what we feel: it won't go away permanently. You can only try and cope and deal with the episodes.

I was a counselor in my day and I worked at the VA itself. It's one of the reasons I can't step into a VA hospital. There were guys from 'Nam there who were so stupefied by thorazine they just sat and stared. No tears. No anger. Seeing that just made me more pissed off.

Playing the "find the therapist" game is really energy wasting. Again, it's an imperfect world. I know one marine who has to travel a long way to see his therapist at the VA. He hates it but he is getting disability for it and he admits, sometimes it helps him. I see a therapist regularly and grit my teeth before each session. but she helps if only to listen. I think listening first is the one characteristic I look for in a therapist. If I get lectured to, I leave or just don't come back.