Bec's Mental Imagery

[anthony]

Sadness completely overwhelms your life at present, and whilst you believe life is easy and pleasant, your life is consumed by sadness, possibly struggling because of a sexual preoccupation issue. You are markedly inhibited and non-trusting of sexual relationships, sadness predominates once again, and whilst you are quick to often get involved you are finding it difficult to resolve this issue. You are highly emotional about your support systems, as though they have crumbled beneath you, though you feel past support systems have been good enough to survive in life, you demonstrate a poor self esteem at present. You feel confused about possible victimization within commitment, and have no commitment to anyone, or anything of importance right now. You see utter deep sadness at present, with no hope for the future, and possibly have given up on life itself.

Questions to ask yourself:

* What has changed within my life due to a sexual nature?
* What has changed with my support?
* Why do I feel victimized for another persons neglect?

 

[becvan]

Sadness completely overwhelms your life at present, and whilst you believe life is easy and pleasant, your life is consumed by sadness, possibly struggling because of a sexual preoccupation issue. You are markedly inhibited and non-trusting of sexual relationships, sadness predominates once again, and whilst you are quick to often get involved you are finding it difficult to resolve this issue. You are highly emotional about your support systems, as though they have crumbled beneath you, though you feel past support systems have been good enough to survive in life, you demonstrate a poor self esteem at present. You feel confused about possible victimization within commitment, and have no commitment to anyone, or anything of importance right now. You see utter deep sadness at present, with no hope for the future, and possibly have given up on life itself.

Questions to ask yourself:

* What has changed within my life due to a sexual nature?
* What has changed with my support?
* Why do I feel victimized for another persons neglect?

Yeah, i feel dead inside. Completely apathetic, I can't see past two minutes from now. Then the next second i'm just overwhelmed with sadness. then apathetic.. that was dead on.

So, what changed within my life with sexual nature? umm, not so much sexual but any type of physical contact. I just can't stand it. I freak out and scream at anyone who comes near me. If someone hit's on me I want to puke. I think it's all these damn triggers, flashbacks and me trying to work through my trauma. I just don't want anyone near me. I don't want to be in any type of relationship and greatly resent anyone asking/hinting etc.. Since I haven't had sex in months that's not an issue, but emotionally with my ex-partner, i feel used and it's spilling into the entire world are users. I basically can not stand anyone right now.
How has my support changed? well, with leaving the ex, my landlord/best freind takes his side and tries to guilt me into going back so I refuse to even talk to him. My dad "loves" my ex and told me that "i better not doing anything to screw this up" so I don't want to speak to my dad whatsoever now. My mother is just and condenscending b*tch about it all along with step-father and sister, so that leaves me with my step-mom. She is wonderful, thankfully. Most of my freinds are males so it's major hit on time and i"m rather disgusted with all of them. On top of that, i don't feel that our justice system is being supportive at all, that I am being dragged through this for no reason, i'm angry at the system. I also know that I need help right now and I can't get it in canada, so I resent our mental health system also.

Why do I feel victimized? Because I tried so freaking hard.. I made boundries, I was clear about what I needed, wanted, expected. I demanded honesty, respect etc.. and i still got bit in the ass. I feel like i have some invisible marker on me that says "please mistreat me." I'm freaking tired of it.. I've worked bloody hard to break the cycle of violence and look at the last one? He's sitting in jail for a heinious crime!!! I just feel beat when it comes to relationships.. if this is all there is then no thanks.. I will stay alone. Hell look at court.. i never even had a relationship with the sob and I was stalked, threatened, watched etc.. now I'm in court because why? I swear.. invisible target..

I'm very discouraged right now.. i'm exhausted, my body keeps shutting down, my symptoms are beyond control and there is no help.. absolutly nothing but here (which is great.. but.. i'm worrying about heart attacks currently... i had an anxiety attack that lasted for 10 hours this week.. my chest still hurts and it's been three days.. so i'm talking more about physical, job, and finaciall support). I'm angry, i'm disillusioned, i'm disgusted, i'm exhuasted, frustrated, hurt, betrayed, afraid, .. etc..
Bec

 

[anthony]

Bec, you and me need to schedule some more personal video chat time I think... a few discussions about things. If your up to that?

 

[becvan]

Yep, I can do that.. I have court today so I will be back on later this evening (it's 7 am right now).

Bec

 

[becvan]

Q1. What colour is the road? My road is a rusty red.

Q2. What texture is the road? It's made out of gravel. Easy to walk on, yet some sharp rocks.

Q3. How solid is the road? Very solid and packed down.

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river? I wade through it as it isn't very deep. It only goes to my ankles.

Q5. What does the water look like? Its a muddy stream. Very murky yet some clear parts. There is sucking mud on the bottom.

Q6. How fast is the water current? It's very fast but so shallow it just laps around me. The stream is choppy.

Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? It's dirty water. Muddy like it has been stirred up.

You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house? It's grey and made out of cement. It's like a garage more than a house.

Q9. What condition is the house in? Some of the cement blocks are weathered but otherwise it's in excellent condition. It looks.. umm.. like a garage that is no longer used. Has a big truck door on it.

Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? Nope, this is where people worked not lived. It lacks the home thingy.

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup? Rusty red like the road. It's made out of clay/mud.

Q12. What condition is the cup in? It's like old pottery. Cracked and chipped and ready to fall apart.

Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? It would break if anything touched it or if anything was in it. dry as dust.

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail? It's an animal. A cross bewteen a horse and lion. Bottom of the horse, top is the lion. It's brown and that rust red. It's roaring angrily at me and pawing it's hooves in the air. It's a scary monster basically.

Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? beautiful open feilds, with the sun shining and pretty flowers dotting the feilds. it looks very serene. Kinda has rolling hills way in the back ground. the perfect place to go and romp about or have a picnic without worries.

 

[anthony]

You are highly emotional at present and feel life is a little difficult, though very aware of these issues, though you are progressing forward regardless. You are trusting of sexual intimacy, though fear being hurt from feeling unappreciated / depreciated in the past. You are quick to get involved, rushing into intimacy without enought thought possibly. You would like to think your never in too deep, yet you often are. You feel confused about your support systems, denial they have not always been the best / still aren't even. Your self esteem and confidence is quite low though. You fee quite unappreciated from commitment, as you have been victimized and depreciated in relationships of commitment. Your biggest problem at present is the feeling of being attacked and hurt, though you do remain optimistic about the future, even spiritual.

 

[becvan]

Why does this whole sexual intimacy keep coming up? I'm afraid of it. I crave it yes, I miss it, but I'm afraid of it. I think I would freak out if someone asked me out on a date! LOL. Yes, I am quick to get involved. More like was, lol, as the thought of someone coming near me makes me want to vomit.

Support systems? They suck. Plain and simple. This whole episode with my kids has proven that. I haven't had one person step up and attempt to help and it's way out of control here. I have my best Freind Nicole, who just moved home, she is the only real support system I have, Connie is good for talking and it ends there. I'm coming out of my confusion and denial. When I have to go to FAC's to get help, because I have no family support, denial tends to go out the window.

Yeah, commitment.. commitment to getting beat? used? lied to? etc.. I'm a very loyal person but enough is enough. I don't want commitment because I know where it leads.. down an ugly road. I'd rather be alone. It's calmer, nicer, safer, etc..

Yeah my self-esteem and confidence has taken a horrible hit lately. I have to remind myself to congradaulate myself on my little accomplishments in a day as I feel so down.

I am exhausted all the time. I could sleep for 20 hours and I would feel exhausted. The more that is getting piled on me, the more exhausted I am feeling...

bec

 

[becvan]

Okay I think (think being very relative here) I know why sexual intimacy is coming up continully.

Les keeps running through my head. It is like he was two people. He was a fun, kind, gentle, understanding, loving, and affectionate, person when I was with him. Then he went to jail. Then I discovered the manipulative, lying, selfish person. I just can't make the two men I know mesh up. I have moments where I remember when we were intimate and how much I trusted him, and then my brain flashes to what he was in jail for, and what I have been through (mulitple rapes) and it's like I can't process this. Then my brain goes over all the crappy relationships I've ever had (okay, well that would be all of them) and I wonder how do I fight so hard to stablize and straighten out my life, learn about myself and how to get and be healthy and still end up with Les? How does this happen? Why couldn't I see it? Then I just want to puke. The thought of attempting to let someone near me again, makes me want to puke. I can not trust myself when it comes to dating men. Simple. I just can't. I picked a monster last time and didn't even know it. Even my step-mom says she is having problems with the "two" people that Les is. So I guess this crap is flashing through my brain most of the time. I just can't seem to process it nor settle with it.

bec

 

[becvan]

This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

Q1. What colour is the road?

It's a dusty rose and brown.

Q2. What texture is the road?

The road is made out of super fine sand and squishes quietly as you walk.

Q3. How solid is the road?

It's very solid except for the fine rose dust the seems to float across it.

Everything here seems muted. There is that strange dust that seems to float about the air, making it all seem kinda fuzzy. I am not alarmed in any way and feel as if I'm in a dream, every thing is slow motion.

You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river?

I walk through it. It's not very deep at all, barely reaching my ankles. I can see that I am wearing dirty old sneakers and the water splashes around them. The water has no feeling to it. It's not wet at all.

Q5. What does the water look like?

It's a very brilliant blue as I walk up to it but turns a dirty blue that is muted in colour as I cross it. It also has a layer of that funny rose coloured dust on it.

Q6. How fast is the water current?

It's a very lazy little current. It seems to barely move. Again everything in slow motion here.

Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?

Just that funny dust on the top of it.. and well of course my dirty sneakers!


You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house?

It's a plain white, off white kind of. It's old and looks weather worn with the dust all over it. It is made out of some kind of rock and is like the old houses you see in Western movies in Mexico, except this is very tiny.

Q9. What condition is the house in?

At first glance, you would think it was about to fall down because of that dust. However the walls are solid. The floors are just dirt, same as the road.


Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who?

Nope the house has been abandoned for many years. My finger prints are left in the dirt on the walls when I peek in. Although empty, it has a warm feel to it. As if it waits for it's owners return.

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup?

It's the same old dusty rose as the road. Underneath it seems to be made out of some sort of clay that is dull in colour.

Q12. What condition is the cup in?

It looked okay, but when I pick it up it starts to crumble in my fingers. It just disintegrates into dust that lazily blows away.

Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what?

No there was just that dust when I picked it up but then my cup crumbled so I don't even have a cup now.

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail?

It's a wall of dust. Like a tornado of it. It's moving really really fast and is very dark. It seems to be sucking up everything around it. I find it very terrifying and am afraid to go near it as I feel that I will get sucked up and never come back again.

Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle?
Beyond is just a long road, the same fields and ton's of dust. It feels like I'm stuck in a picture. Really there is nothing there but that damn dust and the evil obstacle.

 

[becvan]

Okay for self analyzing it..

Well the dusty rose is weird. Cause I hate pinks. However this colour is strangely soothing. My initial reaction to the whole thing is that I'm just lazy right now. LOL

So hmmm, are my emotions dissociating? Maybe the house is waiting for my emotions to come back? LOL but that makes no sense because I've been all over the board lately in the emotions field.

I have no idea it's all very muted and dream like to me. Not really any emotions just.. la la land like. The only thing that really got me was the dust tornado thing. My stomach flips just thinking about it. It's very scary.

Maybe I'm scared of feeling my emotions?

Ughh, not too good at this part am I? LOL

bec

Ohh I just wanted to add, there is no sound there. Nothing not a drop of sound. It's all.. just sight and emotion. No feel (as in touch) and no sound.

 

[becvan]

I just looked back to my other "roads" and noticed something. My colours are reds or pinks with browns. My water is around my ankles and I have some big "thing" that scares the hell outta me that is eating everything up.

It's the same in all of them! Does this mean I'm not making any progress?

bec