Been Suicidal Since My Teen Years

[AvoidanceRulez]

I've been that way for so long that it really doesnt bother me. I've attempted a couple times via OD. Have thought about gettin a gun...but I truly believe that knowing my luck, the gun would explode in my hand and i'd just be worse off than I already am. I know this might sound infinitely irrational..but I also live on a 13 floor and have thought about taking a flying leap..but I truly believe that something somehow would break my fall...like another person and i'd end up a crippled murderer rather than dead. Interestingly, when I was drunker than a skunk and had a fight with my bf, I bounced off a screen(13 flights up)3 or 4 times. I mean I like put all my body weight on it. I had no idea screens could be so bleeping secure when there are no bars

anyway...i guess the point I was originally gonna make before goin off on a tangent is that I don't fear death, i'm fairly indifferent to it and sometimes romanticize the thought of taking myself out. It can be a pretty quick process and IMO...best thing about death--u dont know you're dead

 

[Deleted member 541]

No, the best thing about death, would be the fact that the shit from PTSD that we go through would cease......I too have suffered with depression suicide ideation, and have had 8 attempts since childhood. I have now researched, and if there is a next attempt, I won't fail, I know exactly how much of a drug to take......

 

[cherryblossom]

I would also worry that I might end up worse off than where I started. However, like SheCat, I now know exactly what I would do. My CPN (community psychiatric nurse), seemed very concerned that I had 'a plan', but I don't see it that way. I just see it as my get out clause, if /when I need it. Just because I've thought about how to end my life, doesn't mean I have immediate plans to do it.

But yeah, I agree with both of you, firstly you wouldn't know that your dead, and secondly the PTSD shit ends.

But my family would suffer, (and my friends to a certain extent), and that would be bad. So I'll live with my PTSD shit for now.

 

[Jade-]

I have spent my whole life afraid of everyone and everything. I'm always afraid someone will hurt me. Yet, I'm not afraid of dying by my own hands.

I fantasize about how, when and where I will do it. And I have come to the conclusion that pills aren't the way to do it, they just don't seem to to do the trick. I know if I ever attempt it again I will use a gun. I have researched it and know what type of gun to use, where to shoot myself to make it quicker, etc. My cousin had to do it 2 times before he got it right. The first time he shot his eye out and lived, the second time he planned better and did it right. It taught me a valuable lesson.

Like cherryblossom, I think of it as my get out clause. I've been planning escape routes since I was about 5 or 6 and since I was never able to implement them, death became my ultimate escape plan.

 

[curiouser]

I was reading this thread and thought back to my suicidal moments and how interesting my thoughts were at the time. I was so certain that the pain would never end if I was alive, and so sure that it would end if I killed myself. For me, I was wrong about the first part, and am wondering now if I could have been wrong on the second.

How does anyone really know that the suffering would end if they kill themselves?

It was somehow easy for me to believe certain things would happen if I was dead, even though I really had no real proof of it.

If I could believe that death could mean ending my PTSD problems with no proof, why was it so hard to believe that I could get better and heal if I stayed alive with no proof? What makes one so much more likely to happen than the other?

I guess it's all in the way we view things and what we believe. I do agree that just because you have a plan thought out, it doesn't mean you're going to kill yourself right away or at all.

 

[AvoidanceRulez]

I've researched too. I ODed on dilantin...which was supposed to be lethal--according to the Physicians Desk Reference anyway...I really should sue the publishers for giving me false information LOL
I actually agree with u though about the best thing about death being that the pain is gone...but mine sounds a tad more light hearted so i can make people laugh when I talk about it :D

 

[AvoidanceRulez]

Just because I've thought about how to end my life, doesn't mean I have immediate plans to do it.

.

You're right, just cuz u feel it doesn't mean u have to do it. The quote that helps me get thru the day and more likely to address various issues rather than run from them is Nietzsche's That which does not kill me makes me stronger

I gotta get though...15 minutes to finish my hair and get out the door...thanks for the replies..ill reply/read the others when I get back

Peace out

 

[TLight]

I must know, I'd like to know the drug to take and how much too. Really just to end this seemingly endless suffering.

A gun just seems too messy. I don't want anyone to have to see that.

And yes, good point, would it really end the suffering? Or is it just going to be more? Without being sure, I guess I'm at where I'm at.

I too have thought of practically nothing else since the age of 8 or so. Other people have dreams, wants, desires............when I think really hard about what I want for my life, I always come back to death.

This is PTSD folks. Other people won't get it, but we who suffer do.

I never had anyone in my life who cared in the past. I was and kept myself completely alone for the most part. Now I do and I'd feel horrible leaving him here alone, so I won't do it.

But the fantasy sure is a relief sometimes............sure is.

 

[Aine]

I've been suicidal for nearly a year with three attempts. I'm holding out for now, because even though I'd rather die than feel like this for the rest of my life, I'm hoping to get into a clinic in the next 6 months and they don't admit actively suicidal patients. That's what's keeping me going. I always feel like I'm just passing time because I'm incapable of living my life to the full. My whole life just consists of "just make it through today. just hold on a few more hours, then you can go to sleep and another day will have gone." - It's not the best way to live, but I'm alive for now. It'd just be nice not to be in pain any more.

 

[Deleted member 541]

It'd just be nice not to be in pain any more.

I believe that this is why there is so many of us with PTSD that do either attempt suicide/commit suicide. It's to stop the pain, not end our lives....

 

[brokenchild]

The first time I thought of suicide I was in kindergarten I think. I've never had a serious attempt, but have planned many times.

 

[Iam]

Whoa, what a thread. My first attempt was when I was 10, maybe younger, the timeline is all so fuzzy for me. I was emulating my father who had attempted and ended up in the psych ward. I had been blamed yet again for something my older brother had done. I was already tired of pain at that age.

I have ended up in the hospital 2 other times for ODing. Funny thing is, the real no nonsense attempt when I was 17 nobody knew about. I was so mad when I woke up and found it didn't work. It was a turning point in my life though. I stopped using drugs after that and started getting my life together.

I have still wanted to commit suicide off and on all my adult life. Pills have always been my method of choice. When I had my break down I kept taking handfuls of them, not enough to kill....just enough to relieve the pain. My psych said it was like cutting.

It isn't so much that I want to end my life, I have a lot to live for. It is when the pain is so great that I just can't take it anymore. The thing that keeps me from it is the damage I would cause to those who love me. My aunt committed suicide and my cousin was never the same after that. I don't want to do that to my loved ones. So when I feel like offing myself I try to remember them, put my head down and hold on til it passes. It's worked so far.......