Supporter Began Relationship With A Soldier With Ptsd

[CAK16]

Hello. I reunited with a friend from college after 20 years. He's in the Army and suffers from PTSD. I've experienced where he doesn't sleep at night. He wakes up several times. He's also on an antidepressant. He's suffering from memory loss. Even with those issues, he's a fun man to be around. We have a great time together. After a weekend spent together, he went cold. We live in different states so we talk and text alot. Not anymore. I reach out but he barely responds. I spoke to his best friend who served and has PTSD as well said he does that from time to time. The guy I'm dating did say he had periods of where he withdraws from people. Give him time to get back to his normal self. His friend believes something happened around Christmas that could be a trigger. I did text him a few more times and he's responded but he doesn't seem the same.

Has anyone experienced this? How long is the withdrawal period? SShould i just wait it out?

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums! This is common PTSD behavior for many sufferers.

Check out this threads:
How Long Do Shut Outs Last?

In summary, there is no blanket rule for how long a shut out lasts.

He gave you a heads up in advance this would happen and his friend has validated this has happened before and I think that's a really good sigh this isn't a response to you personally.

Unless you need to draw a boundary or communicate an end to the relationship or something life and death comes up, I'd suggest backing off a bit. Continuing to text and try to get him to respond is likely inadvertently unintentionally overwhelming to someone who has shut down like this. You are not doing anything wrong at all, it's just probably backfiring a little.

Trauma sends a strong message that love, vulnerability, connection, and closeness are dangerous and postentialy life threatening. That's of course a distorted message, but I takes time and a ton of coping skills and trauma work to overcome it, and for many sufferers, there are times where it can't be overcome.

It's quite common that after a period of closeness it becomes just too much to sustain over time. I have gone on trips and been able to have a great time with people only to shut down for a period of time as soon as we were apart. It wasn't entirely healthy, or about the peoples I was close with, just the best way I knew how to manage everything I was feeling.

His shutting down is probably the best way he knows how to cope with Christmas related triggers.

Try to see this as an opportunity to see if this is the right relationship for you and if/how you can make it through shut outs like this. Connect to any other platonic safe relationships you have and try to use coping skills and good self care to endure the anxiety or grief you might feel.

Also look up advoidant attachment, ambivalent attachment, and preoccupied attachment. It's quite common for ptsd sufferers to have avoidant or ambivalent attachment and to attract people with preoccupied attachment patterns - and it can lead to a bad cycle of the sufferer shutting down and the supporter almost chasing them and the sufferer shutting down more and the supporter chasing even more. This may or may not be happening in your case, and either way, the more secure and steady that you can be the better this might work out.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Ka-9]

I checkout in general from people....My wife can be equally a headache sometimes, she's just stubborn lol. But we learned to navigate over time, so we actually function ok. I shut off from all family friends but when I can, I reach out to the 2 brothers I actually like.

I generally have no trust in people...So your beau may or may not feel the same, or have a dozen other reasons .... But it's not personal on my part- at least for loved ones.....It just is the new norm.

Hopefully that doesn't dissuade you but give you another frame of reference.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I think often times the social "language" of withdrawing and the PTSD language of withdrawing are criss crossed for supporters. And the supporters end up taking it personally feeling that in a "normal" situation withdrawing is a bad sign for a relationship.

For those of us with PTSD the "normal" behaviors aren't the same in terms of symptoms. During a time like this what it sometimes is is honestly is a symptom. Not a sign. And it doesn't need to be taken personally. With PTSD there is like a tank of energy we use for motivation and energy to get through days or experiences. Bringing someone close means being vulnerable which is hard. That means your gaurd is down. You're open. And that's as scary as walking into fire for many of us with PTSD. So, being close open and vulnerable and "on" can deplete the tank for us.

If you can picture it like needing to stop and get a refill. If we keep getting questions and statements and attention while we're refilling it gets even more overwhelming to have to pull from an empty tank and there's a chance patience will be lost. It's kind of like when someone asks you repeatedly if you're in a bad mood when you're not. Eventually you go ahhhhh stop asking me I said I'm not.

I know it's probably hard to not take personally. Picture him refilling a tank for more energy for next time. Like sleeping after a long day. And while he does whether it's a day or a week you breathe through the questions and keep going through your day. When his tank is full chances are he's going to reach back. How long it takes depends on how empty his tank is. He's the only one who knows that for sure. And he might not yet be aware of how empty he feels. Just try to remember this is about him refilling and not him rejecting.

 

[Alisha]

Thank you all for your responses. This has really helped!!

 

[joeylittle]

Welcome to the forum, @Alisha - glad you decided to join :)

 

[Alisha]

Once again, thank you for your help. He called Christmas Day and we were on the phone for hours. I didn't bring up his "absence". I will continue to research PTSD so I can be a better support system for him.