The Nirvana Girl
New Here
Hi everyone. Please call me "L" (don't want people I know finding me here) I'm a woman, and I'm 22. I'm here just to speak to people who can understand or give me some advice.
I have been with my partner since 2013. When I met him in 2012, I was depressed, self harming (cutting) and was going through a lot of grief because of my grandfathers death. He was nice, charming and seemed to be wonderful. We started dating in 2013, and I lost my virginity to him. He would say to me that we weren't "official" yet as he wasn't ready due to his past relationship, yet he made love to me all the time. All his friends & family knew we were seeing each other. I found out that year that he had Borderline Personality Disorder. He used to mention his past trauma & self harm a lot. In July of 2013, his ex started to contact him a lot, especially when I was at his house and it made me worried, so I would ask him if anything was still going on between them, and he'd lie and say that they're just talking. This went on until December 2013, when I found out he was seeing her behind my back. (He apologised, cried, broke down and said he loved me, etc etc) His ex admitted to me that they had been hanging out, but she found out of my existence early on in 2013, so she stopped having sex with him then. But what hurt me the most is how he decieved me and told me he wasn't seeing her. Going back to July 2013 now, when I was getting worried about it, we had an argument, and he pushed me to the floor and slapped me. He looked ashamed of himself, and he started to self harm. He promised he wouldn't hit me again. but It happened again, and again. And again, nearly every week, from 2013 to 2015-this month. It did not stop. I can't remember a time where I haven't gone home without a bruise or mark on me.
The majority of our fights were because of his lies and him being physical with me. His excuse is and always has been "you made me angry" or "you started it. I asked you how many times to stop yelling at me!" The constant physical, mental and emotional abuse was taking a toll on me, and I remember in November 2013 when I felt myself change and turn into something I wasn't. I was constantly anxious, I started to feel paranoid, worried, angry, hysterical. I couldn't control my outbursts or paranoia. He was my trigger, and I didn't even realise it. I would have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweet, I couldn't go in public without feeling strange and unreal, like the world was an illusion. My doctor said that's dissociating.
Whenever I was around my partner, something would set me off. And this set him off, and cue the hitting. He would choke me, punch me, slap me, kick me, bite me, lay on top of me, put his thighs between my jaw and scratch me. He slapped me so hard last year that I lost a bit of my hearing and my jaw, on both sides, is dysfunctional when I eat. I can talk fine, but when I eat it makes loud clicking sounds. It horrifies me that someone who claims to love me, could do this to me. After every fight, he'd cry or hurt himself (and blame it on me) or he'd try and have sex with me.
I started to see less and less of my friends, as he wouldn't approve of me going out dancing too much. He'd call me a "slut" after I got into an argument with him about going out dancing with my girl friends. He had a guilty conscience, it seems. But it really hurt me and my self esteem sank really low.
I drifted apart from my family too, as he was succeeding in isolating me from people. He'd say that my parents were shitty parents that neglected me, and that I should move out. I only started drifting away from them when I met him though. I feel cut off from so many people. A few times that I tried to leave him in 13', he would say "I'm going to kill myself" or just straight out hurt himself by cutting himself with a sharp knife, or choke himself with a cable. This happened over 10 times in front of me.
In 2014, we decided to stay together. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and PTSD. I feel like I should mention that my PTSD also comes from being molested when I was younger. I had a few traumatic experiences when I was a kid, so that has really affected me, and my partners violence hasn't helped. It's made it worse. In 2014, we fought all the time and he hit me constantly. All of his friends think I am a "drama queen" because I ask people for advice about it. He has manipulated them into thinking I am this crazy, dramatic woman who is lying about his abuse, and that makes me feel even more alone. My friends & family know about it. They have seen the bruises and my breakdowns more than I would like to admit.
A few weeks ago, we had another fight and he started to choke me again. I couldn't stand it anymore and I wanted to kill myself or at least knock myself out, so I kept punching myself in the head and what I was thinking at the time was "at least it isn't him hurting me. I'll just do the job for him"
he encouraged me to hit myself and then said I was "f*cking stupid" and then when we make up he still blames it on me, but wants me to give him a cuddle.....and gets angry if I don't cuddle him.
There's so much more I wish I could write. I feel trapped, unloved & worthless.
I know a lot of you a probably thinking "why don't you just leave?" Well, it's not that easy.
I'm going to be seeing a therapist next month, so maybe they can help me with it. In the meantime, please..can anyone give me some advice? Is his violence justified because I freak out? Do I provoke him? Should I leave? Please help. :(
I have been with my partner since 2013. When I met him in 2012, I was depressed, self harming (cutting) and was going through a lot of grief because of my grandfathers death. He was nice, charming and seemed to be wonderful. We started dating in 2013, and I lost my virginity to him. He would say to me that we weren't "official" yet as he wasn't ready due to his past relationship, yet he made love to me all the time. All his friends & family knew we were seeing each other. I found out that year that he had Borderline Personality Disorder. He used to mention his past trauma & self harm a lot. In July of 2013, his ex started to contact him a lot, especially when I was at his house and it made me worried, so I would ask him if anything was still going on between them, and he'd lie and say that they're just talking. This went on until December 2013, when I found out he was seeing her behind my back. (He apologised, cried, broke down and said he loved me, etc etc) His ex admitted to me that they had been hanging out, but she found out of my existence early on in 2013, so she stopped having sex with him then. But what hurt me the most is how he decieved me and told me he wasn't seeing her. Going back to July 2013 now, when I was getting worried about it, we had an argument, and he pushed me to the floor and slapped me. He looked ashamed of himself, and he started to self harm. He promised he wouldn't hit me again. but It happened again, and again. And again, nearly every week, from 2013 to 2015-this month. It did not stop. I can't remember a time where I haven't gone home without a bruise or mark on me.
The majority of our fights were because of his lies and him being physical with me. His excuse is and always has been "you made me angry" or "you started it. I asked you how many times to stop yelling at me!" The constant physical, mental and emotional abuse was taking a toll on me, and I remember in November 2013 when I felt myself change and turn into something I wasn't. I was constantly anxious, I started to feel paranoid, worried, angry, hysterical. I couldn't control my outbursts or paranoia. He was my trigger, and I didn't even realise it. I would have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweet, I couldn't go in public without feeling strange and unreal, like the world was an illusion. My doctor said that's dissociating.
Whenever I was around my partner, something would set me off. And this set him off, and cue the hitting. He would choke me, punch me, slap me, kick me, bite me, lay on top of me, put his thighs between my jaw and scratch me. He slapped me so hard last year that I lost a bit of my hearing and my jaw, on both sides, is dysfunctional when I eat. I can talk fine, but when I eat it makes loud clicking sounds. It horrifies me that someone who claims to love me, could do this to me. After every fight, he'd cry or hurt himself (and blame it on me) or he'd try and have sex with me.
I started to see less and less of my friends, as he wouldn't approve of me going out dancing too much. He'd call me a "slut" after I got into an argument with him about going out dancing with my girl friends. He had a guilty conscience, it seems. But it really hurt me and my self esteem sank really low.
I drifted apart from my family too, as he was succeeding in isolating me from people. He'd say that my parents were shitty parents that neglected me, and that I should move out. I only started drifting away from them when I met him though. I feel cut off from so many people. A few times that I tried to leave him in 13', he would say "I'm going to kill myself" or just straight out hurt himself by cutting himself with a sharp knife, or choke himself with a cable. This happened over 10 times in front of me.
In 2014, we decided to stay together. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and PTSD. I feel like I should mention that my PTSD also comes from being molested when I was younger. I had a few traumatic experiences when I was a kid, so that has really affected me, and my partners violence hasn't helped. It's made it worse. In 2014, we fought all the time and he hit me constantly. All of his friends think I am a "drama queen" because I ask people for advice about it. He has manipulated them into thinking I am this crazy, dramatic woman who is lying about his abuse, and that makes me feel even more alone. My friends & family know about it. They have seen the bruises and my breakdowns more than I would like to admit.
A few weeks ago, we had another fight and he started to choke me again. I couldn't stand it anymore and I wanted to kill myself or at least knock myself out, so I kept punching myself in the head and what I was thinking at the time was "at least it isn't him hurting me. I'll just do the job for him"
he encouraged me to hit myself and then said I was "f*cking stupid" and then when we make up he still blames it on me, but wants me to give him a cuddle.....and gets angry if I don't cuddle him.
There's so much more I wish I could write. I feel trapped, unloved & worthless.
I know a lot of you a probably thinking "why don't you just leave?" Well, it's not that easy.
I'm going to be seeing a therapist next month, so maybe they can help me with it. In the meantime, please..can anyone give me some advice? Is his violence justified because I freak out? Do I provoke him? Should I leave? Please help. :(
