Being Alone Forever

[Ti Vu]

I have this feeling that I'll be alone forever, or until I die. I see happy families in real life, on tv, and this forum and I think. And feel so sad. I'm very happy for everyone, and hope that they appreciate each other to the fullest, but for me personally, I've never really had a real relationship/girlfriend before because they either didn't really like me or I pushed them away, and now it just seems really far out of reach. Nonexistent. As if they would have before, who would want me now? And put up with me.

My mom is one of the only people I feel safe and happy around, but I can't rely on her forever, she has her own life to live, and I'll just weigh her down.

My psychologist always tells me that I'm young, and may not be there just yet, but I'll get there." It just feels hard. I'm so sorry for the self-pity, but I just feel that I've been dealt a bad hand. I am far from having it bad. I feel so blessed for having an amazing family, but these thoughts come across my mind from time to time.

 

[Deleted member 27181]

I agree with your psychologist. You will get there. Don't appologise for what you're saying, it's perfectly valid to feel how you feel and I felt the same way before late last year. For 2 (maybe 3) years after my trauma I was set in my way that I wouldn't find anyone. I was (subconciously) looking for someone to make me happy and help me heal. I finally said to myself, about a week before college last year, that I was to stop looking and focus on me. Turns out, a day into college, I met a guy and have been with him for 10 months today.

I really do understand how you feel, but I can promise you that you will find someone. And until you do, it's in your own best interests to work on yourself, think about trying to make yourself the best you can possibly be for when you meet that special someone who accepts you for you. It might take a while, but you will find someone. I still think I am a hassle to my boyfriend and I still feel as though he is going to leave any minute because I am a lot to put up with. But I deal with that and I'm working it through with my therapist. Try and stay positive, I know it's hard, but please try. It'll do you a world of good.

I wish you the best. :hug:

 

[Ti Vu]

Happy 10 months to you and your boyfriend. My best wishes for you two:) I'll stay positive. I guess it's not my time yet, you know? And I have a lot to work on myself. I feel content just being the way I am, living and trying to take it day by day, being surrounded by supportive family and friends, but my darker half rears it's head sometimes.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me and keeping my head above the water. I wish you the best as well:)

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I feel much the same way, I'm 24, I did have one relationship 8 years ago that was 3 years long and we split on good grounds - thanks to him and my only friend I am not entirely distrustful of men in general. But I've not been in another relationship since. I can't see anyone accepting me and my baggage enough to get close to me. And I'm not sure whether I desperately want to draw those people in or keep them away.

It's sad because I know how much it could improve my life and be great, but it's so scary at every step. I feel that maybe it's not worth it, or I'm not worth it.

I think it's hard to feel the "I'll get there one day" feeling when the whole thing is so impossibly different to what you have now. Rather than being able to see all the little steps in between where you are and that is, you just see a huge cavern impossible to cross. Without those smaller steps that will always be a chasm, impassable and you will always turn away from it. But if you just see tomorrow, it's closer and all the tomorrow's together may add up to make all those in between steps across the abyss.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I already plan on being alone for the rest of my life. I know I am a LOT to deal with and I don't feel that it is fair to place any of my issues on anyone else. I have my goals in life, and I will achieve them, but none of them involve having a partner or family or anything like that. I am so distrustful of people----yeah, I get blamed when other people treat me like shit, but anyway, I keep reaching out and trying to trust others, only to be smacked in the face and realize that there are so many bad people in the world. Every time this happens, I lose ground, and it takes a ton of energy. This is why I have decided to put my focus elsewhere, in places that matter more to me in the long run (ie independence, job that supports me, etc)

 

[Ti Vu]

That's a beautiful way to look at it, @Kas_Can_Fly. Just take it step by step, I guess. And you are very much worth it:) Your time will come and when it does (when, not if), you two will be on top of the world. So here's cheers to your future:)

Very true, @Solara. It takes so much (too much) energy only to be left feeling worse and worse. I think it's equally important to focus on having a good relationship with yourself too. And I wish you nothing but happiness and success in all of your goals:)

A big thank you to everyone who has replied so far. Happy Healing:)

 

[Deleted member 27181]

Yes @Ti Vu, if you can be content with being alone then I'm sure you'll be doubly happy when you do find that special someone, it'll make finding them so much more amazing. So yes, I guess it's just not your time right now, but it will be at some point. Everyone has to have their time to find their someone.

Like what @Solara said, after losing yourself when you are let down etc, can take up so much of your energy. But if you work on yourself and try to heal yourself before you put yourself and your trust out there fully, it'll be a lot less of your energy gone - granted it's always going to be like a blow to the stomach everytime someone shows you their badside and such, but it'll hopefully get gradually less as life goes on. That's what I hope for anyway. But try to stay positive and I'm not sure if this will make you feel better or worse, it made me feel better but I understand why it could make people feel worse, but try and imagine how you want your future to be. Do you want your PTSD to be managable, to have found that someone and be living a life where you are happier than you are now and much more content? That's what I like to daydream about, just when I have nothing to think about or nothing to do, it's nice to think about the future. And I did this whilst I was on my own in the last couple years and it helped me keep my spirits high. ^^

 

[Ti Vu]

That sounds like a wonderful idea, thinking about the future:) Thank you again, @Khione13. :)

 

[desiderata310]

My therapist is actually quite happy to hear that I am COMPLETELY disinterested in dating. He said that too many people in my position look for someone to 'save' them. I've been approached a couple of times and ran away. I don't trust myself to be able to figure out if the person is going to be an abuser or not and I seem to attract those people. If I live solo, I am totally cool with that. My therapist doesn't see that happening- I do.

Either way, life is long and finding someone is not a race. It's a journey and you need to be healthy for that journey to be a success. Just wait. Be whole by yourself and worry about being a part of something later.

Just be comfortable being you. Those people wind up being the most comfortable in their relationships later.