Being Dependent?

[desiderata310]

A long time ago he told me (as I was tearfully apologizing for texting him over the weekend for help) that I was very respectful and then to drive the point home told me about a client he had once who had a habit of showing up at his house and calling for random things that had nothing to do with therapy.

So, and here's the fun part... This is a TINY town. I live .5 miles from the office. I live .48 miles from my therapist's house. His house is on a street I USED to run as part of one of my running routes. When he moved to town, I figured out by accident where he lived when I came across him leaving his house with a bunch of family members while I was out on a run. I was so upset I texted him later apologizing profusely. I don't think he understood exactly why I was so upset.

I avoided that street like the plague. I would go PAST his street because it's on the way to the office and on the way to work but I refuse to go down it unless I have been explicitly INVITED to go to his house to pick up his dog and those events were rare and reduced me to tears.

Recently, I was out running with Char and could see him taking his garbage out several blocks away as I was running past. I freaked out. I've quit running that part of town for now altogether.

Reading what I just wrote? hehe.. I have to laugh at myself a bit. Honestly, I couldn't avoid my therapist if I tried.. and I've tried.

Did I mention that this town is tiny? Seriously, you can be anywhere in less than 15 minutes. It only takes slightly longer on a bike.

I'm afraid of being "THAT" client.

 

[Changing4Best]

I try to be more dependent upon God. I pray a lot. That helps me more than being dependent on my therapist. Sometimes I email her too. She never writes back either, but at least I know she has read what I wrote. That is enough for me.

 

[Knak]

I've been better over the last week. REALLY. But I'm still just all over the map emotionally.

My...

I have a couple thoughts. I need reassurance that what I think is believed by someone I trust or else I don't believe it myself. My mother taught me that all my original thoughts/conclusions were wrong, my observations or reactions were my imagination, I could not think for myself, plus other emotional abuse. She saw my older sister abuse me and punished me for defending myself. My father was unavailable.
I read that a bird raised apart from his breed does not know his song until he hears it. Maybe people innately need reassurance to develop confidence in their own validity.

I was taught it was my fault and I should figure out what was wrong and fix myself. I became very intense and analytical, but got nowhere and had a breakdown at age 22. From age 10 people couldn't relate to me. I have a long list of likely factors but still can't defend my judgement until someone I trust believes and agrees they were destructive enough to cause me to break.

Very few people are willing to listen and respond helpfully, or can understand the depth of emotional trauma if they haven't experienced it and gotten through it, so it's hard to find help to get past it. Even therapists who understand, or know the correct healing response, are hard to find and sometimes they all fail me.

I definitely am dependent on those few people. I feel I am toxic to people so I am afraid to ask for help, or try to make friends because I expect rejection. I also don't always recognize abuse and I am a target for perpetrators.

The other thought I had was that in human nature, statistics have shown that the more time spent with a person of the opposite sex, the more likely there will be a sexual encounter. I try to choose female doctors or therapists, and they also relate better to female emotions. I had one excellent male psychiatrist for medication only, who kept a professional and objective distance, but he also explained that certain feelings I had were natural, which was very reassuring because I respected his knowledge and wisdom. He left private practice unfortunately. He said I'd be in therapy the rest of my life.

Regarding crying, after 7 years of EMDR I am finally leaving some sessions without crying so hard, so it is better. The pain between sessions during the first couple years was sometimes unbearable. I am seeing and learning reality consistently.

 

[Tinyflame]

I could agree with & 'like' so much of your post @Knak . I think that is so true, though for me it involved different people than yourself. I have little trust in my own conclusions about myself, & I err on the side of self-blame, etc. (That's a massive understatement/ minimization.)

Something however I get the impression of with @desiderata310 's posts (& @scout , & others) is that she (like I- please forgive me if I'm wrong @desiderata310 or @scout ! ! :eek: ), think, or were raised to think more like 'men' (than the typical woman). That can alter the type of discussions/ delivery a lot. I bet we were all raised to be entirely independent, +/or had to be. Any hint of help or having to request it is devastatingly difficult.

Also, I can't really say because I don't know about T's, but surely sexual relationships should* be consensual, & people who are genuinely trying to help or trying to heal wouldn't want to hurt the other. We have free will, I've never slept with any married guy who came on to me, I tried to tell them they were tired & looking for a distraction.

And like @SheilaKathy said, I too (just myself, know others don't necessarily feel that way) try to rely on God. But I realize God is in people. Relying only on my relationship to God I feel like sometimes I wish I could just lay down be done with all of it. It's very difficult to face the past/ present/ future.

@Desiderata310 , I hope you can just continue healing (even though I know I'm 'singing from the choir'- I can't necessarily even accomplish it for myself. ) I think you are very brave.

 

[greenleaf]

We folks with ptsd can have very very different issues, and what's good for one issue may sound absolutely horrible for someone who doesn't have that issue... it sounds to me like @desiderata310 's T is working on fairly basic trust with her; that's something that ideally all kids would have been gifted with by decent parenting at early ages. That's true for men and women! I think that healing an injury from the more basic childhood stuff would be fundamental for any adult functioning style... different genders, cultures, whatever... even our primate cousins have trouble functioning as adults if they don't get adequate primate nurturing and some decent type of parenting. I'm sure there are zillions of decent parenting styles, but ones where the child fears death, starvation, gets no social contact, etc. -- definitely bad across the board, and I'm very glad that Desi's T is committed to helping her. She deserves healing!

The comments conflating Desi's T's approach with what would be inadequate boundaries for a therapeutic relationship with a client who'd had decent parenting, are missing this huge critical issue there re. her childhood trauma. In my nonprofessional opinion.

 

[desiderata310]

@Knak and @greenleaf
I heard myself say "oh... " several times while reading this.

*sigh*

I don't think I can actually write what I need to write here right now. Part of me is doing a face palm and another part of me just kind of wants to curl into a ball and weep. Being told that the way I was treated when I was a kid was really really awful and that I "should be hooked on drugs or dead with a needle sticking out of my arm but not a functional adult with a couple o f degrees" and acknowledging that things really WEREN'T ok? That the way I grew up was wrong and bad?Jesus... Why do I feel like I'm being ripped in two right now?

ummm... I just got off the phone with my mother. I listened to her for over an hour. And... yeah...

I wish I had the money to simply take care of my mom and her house because... I. Can't. Do. It.
and there's more but it doesn't belong in this thread.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think everyone said it all. I get a red flag warning when you should yourself because this in my opinion is a form of self abuse and only makes me feel worse when I do it myself.

Your therapist has made himself quite clear that it is good that you contact him right now. Perhaps the day will come when he will begin to wean you off of him.

The therapist is helping you to form trust in the process and he is your guide on this journey and I think you are putting yourself down worrying about this after he has made it abundantly clear that your contact with him is ok with him and he sounds like he has good boundries.

I was a dependent personality with my husband for many years until I began to grow and to change into the real me. I was on my own all of my life until I got married and I was unaware of boundries. It caused me so many problems with other people.

We have so much to learn on this journey and unlearn as well.

He sounds ok with your contacting of him because he responds to you. I hate to see you doubting what he has offered to you as a gift of support in helping you to develop trust among other things that will benefit you in the long run. As the relationship with your therapist progresses you will become much better at coping and learning how to develop other means of support in a few friendships and reading and researching on your own healing process. But you do need to accept this gift your therapist is offering to you. As you become stronger and healthier you will learn good coping skills and thus your relationship will change.

I am very relieved that you are aware and thus your fears. I have learned that when I am aware of something possibly happening, the truth is that I am not going to do the thing that I fear. You seem to have great awareness. i wish you would not should or should not yourself and even that will pass away in time in my opinion.

I have lost therapists and psychiatrists before and I always made it though somehow and I believe this is true for you as well. Good luck and keep on practicing reaching out to your therapist in my opinion as he has given you the permission to do so and if you do cross a boundry with him, I am sure he will redraw the boundry since he seems to be a very qualified therapist. I wish you the best in taking your baby steps of developing trust in reaching out to get help and support. You will grow stronger and more independant in time as you continue to learn and to grow. Just do not give up on yourself ok?

 

[Skylynx]

What really helped me most with guilt and shame over dependency is that I divided my "big ass grown woman" from my "inner kid" . The PTSD got started with the child in me that was traumatized and abused. I see my case as a parent who has a troubled child who needs my sympathy and help, and who takes us to the therapist for us to become co-conscious and integrate better.:)

 

[Warrior Princess]

Next to shame, dependency is my worst emotion. There have been a few times that I've reached out by email to my therapist which sends me into a tailspin. I have to remind myself over and over that I've been given permission to email and that nothing bad is going to happen, but I still freak out. I am overwhelmed with fear that he will see how needy and messed up I really am and then quit on me. It totally sucks. This week I've been moderately-severely depressed, but I've forced myself not to email my therapist so I don't depend on him too much. These feeling of shame and dependency sometimes make me want to quit therapy altogether.

 

[Skylynx]

As hard as it is, when you've been told dependency is wrong in the past, it's OK to be dependent on the therapist. The therapist needs for you to be dependent and feel the transference feelings. It's in those feelings that you and T can discuss and re-do what went wrong in your life. But, it's so terrifying to even say the words or admit the feelings. So, just take it a little step at a time and realize that it's the heart of therapy and that the therapist will be trying to help you feel safer to have the feelings. He knows it already and it's his chosen profession, so it might be a little encouraging to know he surely wouldn't feel rejecting of just what he is there to accept.

 

[desiderata310]

Whoa whoa whoa. I thought transference was a bad thing.

 

[scout86]

I thought transference was a bad thing.

I'm really not sure. From what I've read, maybe it's just a "thing", rather than good or bad. I get the feeling sometimes that it's a "thing" that gets blown out of proportion.

From the Wikipedia topic, "transference is normal and does not constitute underlying pathology in itself; it is only inappropriate when patterns of transference lead to maladaptive thoughts, feelings or behaviours." It's a longish definition. The point was pretty much that transference occurs anytime a person or a situation reminds you of the past (usually your childhood) and you react to the present like it was the past.