Adobe
MyPTSD Pro
I have had several reactions that thought I was being too hard on myself. I felt like Alice who fell down a rabbit hole. Sometimes I was very large and did not fit in my skin. Sometimes I was very very small and other people were big. Even God was small. I joined this forum and started identifying with so many symptoms you all shared. I read some of the articles. I found YouTube videos like the Crappy Childhood Fairy and Dr. Ramani. If I identified with a subject I listened. In between my cerebral activity I was in major depression. I was having tortuous times of ruminating. I had no one to share these experiences with. I literally was triggered with an acquaintance and yelled at her. I was getting X-rays at the hospital and ran into her. It was hospital requirements to wear a mask. Which I did. She was a self appointed no mask police and put her finger in my face and angrily said,”you are living in fear and the Bible says do not fear. I lost it and was so triggered it took weeks of dealing with the guilt, anger and shame. I lost some acquaintances and never saw her or them again. Yes, there are weird religious people. I use religious in a non complementary way. I decided I needed to put in place mindfulness, journaling my story and go solo except for the forum. No Ts in my area. I cut out all refined sugar. Lost almost 30 lb and started resistance training. I have delayed sleep disphagia, chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. I started to listen to your reactions and suggestions and life stories. I started forgiving in a deeper way and forgiving myself for some of ..quite a few bad choices that were self destructive and hurt people I care about, quit labeling myself with CPTSD identity and through doing that started writing and art and discovering who I really am. There is more to me than my disorder. I still don’t feel but am working on that. I know what healthy looks like. I never will be totally healed but I am so to speak clearing the deck of what I can control and being aware there are some things that need vigilance so I don’t find myself steeped in guilt and going backward where I have to dig in and work all over again to get some sense of controls over CPTSD. The rumination over the past has subsided. I am slowly finding my identity and know I am loved by God and though he let other people destroy that identity and I had to wear a mask. It is coming off. I am determined to do all I can to finish well but never perfectly. So I am determined and utilizing what I can . I have avoidance problems and am making myself be more social in spite of my fears. Would you believe I have spoken to many groups and had a radio talk show? No way today. I am unsure how much of this is being too hard on myself. I just want out of wonderland.
