Believe mother in law makes wife worse!

[Raj]

My mother in law is always bragging to my wife about the fun she has with her son. This seems to trigger wife's bipolar and PTSD. The brother in law lives with mother. They are almost creepy close he used to go to anniversary dinners with his parents, they didn't want him left out. Most relatives at father in laws funeral didn't know who my wife was! Recently wife's mom said I get $200 eye glasses because I deserve them. She had a tone like my wife with very bad vision doesn't deserve decent eyeglasses. What's with the attitude and weirdness of brother in law being still babied. He's middle aged works full time, she waits on porch for him makes him breakfast even if extremely ill. The lack of relationship crushes my wife.

Raj

 

[Raj]

I believe that harsh relationship, destroys the one my wife tries to have with me. I feel trust is an illusion!

Raj

 

[Raj]

Its tough being compared to my wife's family by her, they used verbally bash her, physically bash or neglect her. I constantly fight for her and if I misspeak once I'm her family and mean! I can't we in this war. I miss the relationship we had!

Raj

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Raj,
What you are describing reads like a "black sheep / golden child" situation. I don't know if it is exclusive to parents who are narcissistic, but amongst members here, it usually seems to be described coming from narcissistic parents.

Are you and your wife from an Indian background? I've seen abusive contempt for female children in several cultures, it is incredibly harmful.

Is your wife in therapy?

Outside of your marriage Does she have any support from people who can offer her validation? - like being a member here?

How important to her is staying in contact with her parents? From your description it could be beneficial for her to minimise contact, and potential for them to belittle, reject, invalidate and generally abuse her

-At least until she has spent some time with a good therapist, and gained some self confidence.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Anarchy is correct. It seems the son is the "golden child" and your wife is the scapegoat or black sheep. You are correct in thinking this is unhealthy. Another name for the inlaw/son relationship is co-dependency. It is not only creepy but unhealthy for all parties involved. Your mother inlaw is trying to keep her son fully dependent on her, because feeling needed by him while tearing your wife down feeds her narcissism. I am so sorry for your wife. I can relate all too well.

She is probably hyper sensitive due to the constant criticism and neglect from her mother. Try not to take it personal when she makes comparisons. I know it is easier said than done, because who would want to be compared to such horrible people. Clearly you are nothing like them or you wouldn't be asking these questions.

What you can do is encourage her to get emotionally healthy by going to therapy and distancing herself from them. and give her lots of compliments to help build her self esteem. She may not believe you for a long time, but keep trying.

 

[Raj]

I always ask about therapy separate and together, and try to redirect when being compared.

Raj

 

[Beemo3780]

I get your situation on both parts. I have a nutty mother in law, but I also have a sister whom everyone in my family obsesses over to the point where I don't exist. I have to keep them at a distance, or else I find myself going down a sadness spiral and wondering why I'm never good enough. If I bring it up, I get told that I'm trying to cause problems.

I think if people don't recognize your feelings and at least discuss them and try to find out why you feel that way, it's not really worth the trouble of keeping them an active part of your life. That's just my opinion though, everyone has to do what works for them.

 

[Raj]

Beemo3780 I really needed to hear that today! Good to know others understand my point of view.

Raj