Best friend? feel like leaving....

[Flip flop]

My best friend of eight years is driving me crazy....LOL....or maybe I’m really driving myself crazy. I suspect the latter is likely.
After grappling with this for awhile, I think her “mommie issues” and my “mommie issues” are colliding.
I have choices. If I cut her out of my life, then what? Where would I find friends? Maybe I should be a little bit bigger than “cutting her out,” and just accept she is the way she is and she will always be some ways. I sound selfish as hell. I’ve got to think more about this. I wish I hadn’t been attracted to someone with a similar background. Her crap triggers my crap....lol. Sigh. I don’t know when she was last in therapy, and she’s not interested in going. Said a couple years ago she’d gone as far as she wanted in therapy. Fair enough.
One fear I have - and I think it might be reasonable- is that she couldn’t accept that some of the ways in which I view the world have changed since we first became friends. May I’m wrong. I’m just ticked off. Screw it. I need to talk about this crap with my therapist.

 

[Justmehere]

Instead of cutting her off or staying in as things are, which is quite all or nothing, have you tried setting boundaries or taking just a little bit of space for a short time?

 

[Flip flop]

That makes sense. Space is likely best. I think only discussing “safe” subjects may be the best way forward. I think I will be setting myself up for disappointment if I expect her to hear me in certain ways. Some subjects I should just keep to my therapist.

 

[Justmehere]

Have you tried letting your friend know, at a time when you are both in a good place, that at other times and on some subjects, you don’t feel like she hears you and you fear she won’t accept you?

You can’t change her and acceptance may be helpful, and some issues she may not be able to handle or may not be her forte to respond well on, but there is also the balance that it’s up to us to explain what we need and want in relationships to others. If we don’t say then they won’t ever be able to know and possibly adjust and meet those needs.

 

[Flip flop]

Have you tried letting your friend know, at a time when you are both in a good place, that at other...

Thanks for your response.
I’ve thought about this a good deal today. I’ve considered the points you have outlined and I think acceptance is best. I think there are limits to what “Jane Doe” (not her real name) could accept. Might never know and I don’t want to risk finding out. Realistically, I concluded that it is a bit childish of me to expect “Jane” to give me whatever it is I want from her at this time. That sounds harsh. Hell, human beings are limited. I’m limited, no doubt...lol. I can’t expect more from her than she can give. She’s incredible and heroic in so many ways. And, my little heroine is also damaged in many of the same ways that I am. I love her, but what I perceive as her oppositional defiant streak irks me. I don’t think the streak is going away anytime soon....lol. She’s going out of town for a few days soon. I’m seeing my therapist too. Thanks again for your thoughtful remarks. I shall read them again.
(Cyber hug)

 

[Flip flop]

Well, after a two-hour therapy session, my T and I concluded that - since people go through stages in life - that I may have outgrown my relationship with “Jane Doe.”

Sounds reasonable. Still hurts. However,...
....I am going to peacefully allow this relationship to die a quiet death. Jane Doe will likely keep saying the SOS that she has for a while now, will talk over me, etc. and all other sorts of fun and annoying behaviors. She can orbit my life by telephone or text and - on rare occasion - we might actually meet for dinner should she keep her word about getting together. LOL. A gradual fade out is the plan. Making other friends is a new priority.

Thanks for the support! Nice to have this place to hash out stuff.
Namaste.
And namastay in bed! :)

 

[Flip flop]

Well, f*ck it! :hilarious:
Just when I thought I might have had it all figured out… (Go ahead, laugh) .....
I think that the real reason I have been gnawing and scratching over my relationship with “Jane Doe” is because I have been scared shitless at times . “Why?” one might ask.
Cuz she had a little bit of cancer a few years ago, and the thought of her ever possibly actually dying is something that I think I cannot imagine coping with. That’s why.
Before she got back from vacation, I was up crying after dark, realizing that for the last few years I have been worried about her. Every time I listen to a voicemail from her, I think to myself, “you might want to save that because there will come a day when you won’t be able to hear her voice anymore.“ I think that my brain has been working really hard for some time to find reasons for me to run away from her and break things off with her. It seems to me that the goal was, originally, to get me to leave the relationship so that I would not have to face it if she dies before I do. I have no plans to die anytime soon and, in the actuarial sense, my friend is likely to kick the proverbial bucket before I will.

So all of my bitching and complaining and thinking that I would leave the relationship is due to the fact that I have felt that I would be devastated by her death and couldn’t imagine how I could live life without her. That’s it.

After she got rested up from vacation, we chatted, chuckled, guffawed, and carried on just like we always have during the best times together. It was as if I had never been angry with her at all.
Heck, as far as I know everyone is going to die if give enough time. LOL. I’ll just quit worrying about the possibility of my friend dying for now. Like my therapist says whenever I catastrophize, “You’ll handle it.”

 

[Fadeaway]

This sounds alot like my relationship with my best friend. 6 months ago she probably could have been writing this about me, and I could probably be writing this about her now. I am in a place of change in my life where she is in stagnation but that can always shift


We bonded over our mommie issues but they also cause unintentional issues. When we are both triggered, watch out!

I have a long history of pushing people away who are dying. I mourn them and write them off as dead while they are still alive. I think I do this due to the shear amount of death I have experienced, I wonder if you have experienced a lot of death as well?

 

[Flip flop]

This sounds alot like my relationship with my best friend. 6 months ago she probably could have been w...

@Fadeaway Thanks very much for sharing that with me!
Yes! I have experienced a lot of death too.
I do think I was trying to mourn before the actual loss of the person!
Wow.
Just wow.
Insightful, you are.
Thanks again.