* I am sorry this will end up rambly but I HAVE to get it out. This has to do with the lack of support from my dad in relation to his best friend who r*ped me 3 months ago (09/22/12). Bear in mind that the majority of the first part is redundant and may not seem important in relation to the r*pe but it IS. It all ties together just bear with me and humor me. Thank you so much. All of you. *
I can't describe the pain I am remembering that I felt as a child. The pain was psychological pain: emotional and mental. There was also physical pain that he inflicted but I never saw it for what it was: abuse. There was heartbreak. Heartbreak is such a terrible thing (as far as emotions go). I can't ever remember when I was happy or carefree really. I mean, I had happiness and times that were carefree but there always was a little twinge of sadness. Maybe when I was REALLY little like 2 or 3 I was genuinely happy, but that was before I could pick up on the unhappiness that enveloped our house.
Yeah, this isn't all his fault. A lot of it is my mom's fault for causing my dad to have the pain he did. I am rambling and I am sorry for that. It is I just have SOOO many feelings, emotions, thoughts, and memories swimming around my head all at once and I am trying to get them out in a linear fashion but when I think of one emotion or memory it triggers another one as they all seem somehow tied together... I feel nuts... Damaged... Broken...
Anyway, the heartbreak. A child should not feel the heartbreak and pain that I did. My heart hurt so deeply. I can feel it now. It takes my breath away. The first time someone should experience heartbreak is when they are in middle school and their crush rejects them. Not me, I can't actually remember the first time the heartbreak and complete sadness happened. It goes back so far.
I know talking about this sounds so minimal in comparison to so many of you and I am sure that many of you reading this may end up thinking, "Well, I experienced heart break too along with so many other terrible things. YOU had it good Chantel."...... Maybe you aren't thinking that, I don't know, but I can see why you all would. In fact, I expect you to. How could you not? I don't know. Sorry for making this all about me and for complaining so much. I just wish I could verbalize what I am feeling. This is excruciating.
I guess I saw such unhappiness in my life it rubbed off on me. I was just a small girl. Just a baby really. I saw the unhappiness. NEVER once in my life have I seen or heard my parents say "I love you". I have heard my dad say it to my mom but I never have heard her say it back. There is an undercurrent in my house of bitterness, pain, agony, despair, and resentment. It is my "normal". Always has been. I saw this all my life and I was so hurt by it.
When I started to become of age, maybe 10 or 11, perhaps even before, my dad told me EVERYTHING. Poisoned me against my mom.... But I digress, to first understand WHY I cared so much about any of this, you need to know something else. My dad and I were best friends, pals. I went EVERYWHERE with him. He couldn't separate himself from me. I loved him and looked up to him that much. I loved him unnaturally almost. Not in a sick or perverted way but in the sense that everything he felt I felt and everything he did I did. It was like we were one. Our emotions. But everything he felt it seemed I felt it tenfold plus my own horrors/emotions and my other family members emotions and sadness. I was their shelf for ill-emotions. Anyway, I was THAT close to my dad. If anything bad happened to him I grieved and felt it all. EVERY time I saw him sad and in pain I felt it. So, when I saw how awful my mom was to him (which was always) I would experience the most horrific heartbreak... I can't even explain the pain it caused. I used to wish for death or just something to make the pain leave. ALL I wanted was for my daddy to be happy. THAT was my only care in the world. It was my purpose to make him happy and I would do anything to achieve that.
He, in not so many words, told me it was my purpose to be his happiness. It was a lot of pressure but I didn't mind. I thought it was normal. It was my purpose. His mother and sisters more overtly told me the same thing. He started sharing with me the things my mom did to him (and "wouldn't do") and he explained them in detail. He KNEW how much pain it caused me. How could he not see how much pain I was in? EVERY time he did this my heart broke a bit more. It felt like I was getting punched.
And my poor mom, she wondered and asked why I hated her so much... I HATED her. So I thought. I used to wish for her death, as terrible as that sounds. But I was so upset at her causing my daddy, my love, pain... The things I saw her do to him, the words she spoke and her actions... Every time she would do these things to my dad his face and body would show so much pain and I loved him so much. I couldn't STAND to see him in pain and yet she caused this all. I SAW her do it! I mean, that alone hurt me even without him adding the details to his hell. So, I guess, I would have more than likely came to the conclusion myself, that my mom was hurting my dad, but he made it sooooooo much more intense by actually describing his pain to me. I in turn took on that pain to be my own. I DON'T know why but I did. So, I HATED my mom. And yet, like any child does, I still loved her because she was my mom... So, I then I turn HATED myself for treating her so terribly. I was an awful person to my mom. I still am sometimes. Part of me wanted my mom to suffer in every way she could and I knew by acting cold and unloving and hateful to her I could accomplish hurting her. Once I did this however I felt awful because I also loved her. Conflicting emotions, feelings, actions. She would ask me what she had done to deserve such treatment and why I hated her so much and all I wanted to do was cry but I HAD to protect my dad... And telling the REAL truth of why I hated her would mean I would have to tell her what my dad had been doing and I COULDN'T do that. I had been told to protect my dad by his sisters and mother and even him but not in those words. It was an understood kind of thing. So, I had to keep it a secret. I felt I had to treat her awful and yet I hated myself for it but I was in servitude in a sense to my dad and his family. I suffered in silence. The part that stunk the worst and felt gut-wrenchingly confusing and painful was when I acted this way towards my mom and my dad would tell me I was being bad for mistreating her like I was. He would say, "Why are you treating your mom like that? She is your mother." He would make me feel like sh*t but I was only doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing plus, I was sooooo angry at her for hurting my dad, the love of my life at the time. Then he would just go on with life and continue dumping on me about how much she hurt him and how terrible she was. How did he not expect me to hate her? THAT felt betraying to me by my dad and I was ultra confused.
Of course there is sooooo much more that took place in my life but that is the majority of what my life was like. That is just the stuff between my dad and I and my mom. Not to mention the relationship I had with my grandma and her pain I felt as well. I LOVED her so much and she loved me too. But, it seems to me, looking back, that I was used. By all of them. Even though they DID love me and want what was best for me... Even though they didn't understand they were hurting me. I don't know, maybe their emotions and needs came before mine. I have no clue. THIS is why I am always so confused. I had very loving family members who treated me well but yet they did this to me.
It wasn't until the last few years that I even started realizing it was wrong of them to do this to me. Still though, the damage is done. It was like they programmed me to act and feel how they wanted and even though I now see the dysfunction in it I STILL can't stop how I react and feel. I will, out of nowhere, when triggered by something that reminds me of back then, act out in a negative manner. For instance, if my mom says something bad about my dad (even if I agree with her), I will snap at her and berate her and be completely awful. I will act how I used to when I was younger... Because even if I agree with her, something inside of me turns on and just sticks up and "protects" my dad. I still do have a lot of anger towards my mom for hurting my dad, I do. But, I also have a lot of anger at my dad and his mom and sisters for brainwashing me. Even if they were hurting.... Uuugh... That example I gave is a very minor one. Hell, I even do this when my dad says something about my mom. I don't know why I have started to "protect" her too as I wasn't told to but I can only guess it is because somewhere deep inside I feel I owe it to her for all of the bad things I did to her... Plus I do love her. The thing is, when I stick up for her I feel I am betraying my dad and then I feel awful about myself. I NEVER win. Ever. It is a lose-lose situation for me. Some of the things I feel or do or act don't even make sense to me. I just will act a certain way when triggered. It just happens out of nowhere and then I am confused and upset with myself. Where do these things inside come from?
Oh, I didn't even get into the physical abuse by my dad... Oh well, another day. And I have already, many times before this talked about the damaging sexual things he told me and made me take on for his personal gain...
**************************************
Now back to present day issues and how this all ties into the r*pe and how my dad has reacted and how I feel betrayed by him. I have been talking to my ex's mom and my ex about what all transpired when I was little. They have told me that just because my dad and his family were/are dysfunctional and just because my dad was in pain from what my mom did/does, does NOT mean he had the right to drag me into something I could not comprehend. They said I should have NEVER had to feel the responsibility I did nor should I have been expected to. Believe it or not this has totally screwed me up beyond believe. I mean, there is a lot more that I didn't and never have mentioned but you get the gist of it.
The weird thing is, I was always on my dad's side and I hated my mom... Now, I am more on her side (even though I am angry at her because I was told to be) and I am more angry and resentful at my dad for even putting me in the place of his surrogate wife. BUT, right when I start to feel this anger towards him something inside of me feels bad because I am not fulfilling my duty or role of protector. I have so many conflicting emotions and feelings it isn't even funny.... And I just wish I knew WHY I acted out of nowhere or what compelled me to have the emotions and feelings/thoughts out of nowhere.
I KNOW what happened to me was wrong now, and I SEE that it is all dysfunctional but still I can't stop myself from feelings or reacting/acting how I was told/taught. I CAN'T control it. It is something so deep. It is like breathing. How can I reverse this. Is this normal? Was this almost programmed in a sense? I am so mixed up.
NOW, for why I am upset at my dad. He has more or less taken his friend's side on the r*pe. He knows it happened to me and said he feels bad but that he thinks and believes his friend didn't mean to. He says that his friend didn't even hurt me that bad and that he doesn't even really consider it r*pe. He told me how sad and upset his friend is and how he will now have to get a divorce. He told me how this is pretty much ruining his friend's life. I mean, for f*ck's sake! Come on!!!! HE R*PED ME DAD!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel so betrayed by my dad... So betrayed and hurt. After ALL I have done for him all my life. The unbearable pain and sadness that I cannot explain and that he allowed me to feel, the secrets and the pressure I was under, ALL of it. I did that ALL for him without question because I loved him and thought it was normal and he can't do this for me. He can't just be more supportive. I am not sure how I feel but I DO KNOW I FEEL ANGRY... But, at the same time I feel like I am betraying my dad. I am not being who I am supposed to be. My ex told me I should disown my dad. Break ties with him. What he doesn't understand is that it is NOT that easy. What was instilled in me won't let me do that. It is like breathing. I don't know how to not. How do you not breathe? If you were told from birth on for example that every time you see an apple you will bark like a dog and every time you were told this you were also under immense emotional pain... would you not find it almost impossible to bark like a dog when you saw an apple? It comes second nature and it is almost impossible to unlearn it by yourself. I don't know how to. I know I am making progress but I just can't get any further it seems. This all runs so deep. It is in me, it is a part of me. I need psychotherapy I am starting to believe. Can anyone help me or give some input or insight? What do you think I need to fix this all in my head? I was scrambled with lies. I need to be unscrambled. Sorry this was so long and ungodly rambly. I hope it was semi-followable... Thanks for all of those who actually read this in its entirety. Blessings to you all. I support you all 100%. I do not know what I would do without you all. ♥
Much love and support, your friend, Chantel ♥
I can't describe the pain I am remembering that I felt as a child. The pain was psychological pain: emotional and mental. There was also physical pain that he inflicted but I never saw it for what it was: abuse. There was heartbreak. Heartbreak is such a terrible thing (as far as emotions go). I can't ever remember when I was happy or carefree really. I mean, I had happiness and times that were carefree but there always was a little twinge of sadness. Maybe when I was REALLY little like 2 or 3 I was genuinely happy, but that was before I could pick up on the unhappiness that enveloped our house.
Yeah, this isn't all his fault. A lot of it is my mom's fault for causing my dad to have the pain he did. I am rambling and I am sorry for that. It is I just have SOOO many feelings, emotions, thoughts, and memories swimming around my head all at once and I am trying to get them out in a linear fashion but when I think of one emotion or memory it triggers another one as they all seem somehow tied together... I feel nuts... Damaged... Broken...
Anyway, the heartbreak. A child should not feel the heartbreak and pain that I did. My heart hurt so deeply. I can feel it now. It takes my breath away. The first time someone should experience heartbreak is when they are in middle school and their crush rejects them. Not me, I can't actually remember the first time the heartbreak and complete sadness happened. It goes back so far.
I know talking about this sounds so minimal in comparison to so many of you and I am sure that many of you reading this may end up thinking, "Well, I experienced heart break too along with so many other terrible things. YOU had it good Chantel."...... Maybe you aren't thinking that, I don't know, but I can see why you all would. In fact, I expect you to. How could you not? I don't know. Sorry for making this all about me and for complaining so much. I just wish I could verbalize what I am feeling. This is excruciating.
I guess I saw such unhappiness in my life it rubbed off on me. I was just a small girl. Just a baby really. I saw the unhappiness. NEVER once in my life have I seen or heard my parents say "I love you". I have heard my dad say it to my mom but I never have heard her say it back. There is an undercurrent in my house of bitterness, pain, agony, despair, and resentment. It is my "normal". Always has been. I saw this all my life and I was so hurt by it.
When I started to become of age, maybe 10 or 11, perhaps even before, my dad told me EVERYTHING. Poisoned me against my mom.... But I digress, to first understand WHY I cared so much about any of this, you need to know something else. My dad and I were best friends, pals. I went EVERYWHERE with him. He couldn't separate himself from me. I loved him and looked up to him that much. I loved him unnaturally almost. Not in a sick or perverted way but in the sense that everything he felt I felt and everything he did I did. It was like we were one. Our emotions. But everything he felt it seemed I felt it tenfold plus my own horrors/emotions and my other family members emotions and sadness. I was their shelf for ill-emotions. Anyway, I was THAT close to my dad. If anything bad happened to him I grieved and felt it all. EVERY time I saw him sad and in pain I felt it. So, when I saw how awful my mom was to him (which was always) I would experience the most horrific heartbreak... I can't even explain the pain it caused. I used to wish for death or just something to make the pain leave. ALL I wanted was for my daddy to be happy. THAT was my only care in the world. It was my purpose to make him happy and I would do anything to achieve that.
He, in not so many words, told me it was my purpose to be his happiness. It was a lot of pressure but I didn't mind. I thought it was normal. It was my purpose. His mother and sisters more overtly told me the same thing. He started sharing with me the things my mom did to him (and "wouldn't do") and he explained them in detail. He KNEW how much pain it caused me. How could he not see how much pain I was in? EVERY time he did this my heart broke a bit more. It felt like I was getting punched.
And my poor mom, she wondered and asked why I hated her so much... I HATED her. So I thought. I used to wish for her death, as terrible as that sounds. But I was so upset at her causing my daddy, my love, pain... The things I saw her do to him, the words she spoke and her actions... Every time she would do these things to my dad his face and body would show so much pain and I loved him so much. I couldn't STAND to see him in pain and yet she caused this all. I SAW her do it! I mean, that alone hurt me even without him adding the details to his hell. So, I guess, I would have more than likely came to the conclusion myself, that my mom was hurting my dad, but he made it sooooooo much more intense by actually describing his pain to me. I in turn took on that pain to be my own. I DON'T know why but I did. So, I HATED my mom. And yet, like any child does, I still loved her because she was my mom... So, I then I turn HATED myself for treating her so terribly. I was an awful person to my mom. I still am sometimes. Part of me wanted my mom to suffer in every way she could and I knew by acting cold and unloving and hateful to her I could accomplish hurting her. Once I did this however I felt awful because I also loved her. Conflicting emotions, feelings, actions. She would ask me what she had done to deserve such treatment and why I hated her so much and all I wanted to do was cry but I HAD to protect my dad... And telling the REAL truth of why I hated her would mean I would have to tell her what my dad had been doing and I COULDN'T do that. I had been told to protect my dad by his sisters and mother and even him but not in those words. It was an understood kind of thing. So, I had to keep it a secret. I felt I had to treat her awful and yet I hated myself for it but I was in servitude in a sense to my dad and his family. I suffered in silence. The part that stunk the worst and felt gut-wrenchingly confusing and painful was when I acted this way towards my mom and my dad would tell me I was being bad for mistreating her like I was. He would say, "Why are you treating your mom like that? She is your mother." He would make me feel like sh*t but I was only doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing plus, I was sooooo angry at her for hurting my dad, the love of my life at the time. Then he would just go on with life and continue dumping on me about how much she hurt him and how terrible she was. How did he not expect me to hate her? THAT felt betraying to me by my dad and I was ultra confused.
Of course there is sooooo much more that took place in my life but that is the majority of what my life was like. That is just the stuff between my dad and I and my mom. Not to mention the relationship I had with my grandma and her pain I felt as well. I LOVED her so much and she loved me too. But, it seems to me, looking back, that I was used. By all of them. Even though they DID love me and want what was best for me... Even though they didn't understand they were hurting me. I don't know, maybe their emotions and needs came before mine. I have no clue. THIS is why I am always so confused. I had very loving family members who treated me well but yet they did this to me.
It wasn't until the last few years that I even started realizing it was wrong of them to do this to me. Still though, the damage is done. It was like they programmed me to act and feel how they wanted and even though I now see the dysfunction in it I STILL can't stop how I react and feel. I will, out of nowhere, when triggered by something that reminds me of back then, act out in a negative manner. For instance, if my mom says something bad about my dad (even if I agree with her), I will snap at her and berate her and be completely awful. I will act how I used to when I was younger... Because even if I agree with her, something inside of me turns on and just sticks up and "protects" my dad. I still do have a lot of anger towards my mom for hurting my dad, I do. But, I also have a lot of anger at my dad and his mom and sisters for brainwashing me. Even if they were hurting.... Uuugh... That example I gave is a very minor one. Hell, I even do this when my dad says something about my mom. I don't know why I have started to "protect" her too as I wasn't told to but I can only guess it is because somewhere deep inside I feel I owe it to her for all of the bad things I did to her... Plus I do love her. The thing is, when I stick up for her I feel I am betraying my dad and then I feel awful about myself. I NEVER win. Ever. It is a lose-lose situation for me. Some of the things I feel or do or act don't even make sense to me. I just will act a certain way when triggered. It just happens out of nowhere and then I am confused and upset with myself. Where do these things inside come from?
Oh, I didn't even get into the physical abuse by my dad... Oh well, another day. And I have already, many times before this talked about the damaging sexual things he told me and made me take on for his personal gain...
**************************************
Now back to present day issues and how this all ties into the r*pe and how my dad has reacted and how I feel betrayed by him. I have been talking to my ex's mom and my ex about what all transpired when I was little. They have told me that just because my dad and his family were/are dysfunctional and just because my dad was in pain from what my mom did/does, does NOT mean he had the right to drag me into something I could not comprehend. They said I should have NEVER had to feel the responsibility I did nor should I have been expected to. Believe it or not this has totally screwed me up beyond believe. I mean, there is a lot more that I didn't and never have mentioned but you get the gist of it.
The weird thing is, I was always on my dad's side and I hated my mom... Now, I am more on her side (even though I am angry at her because I was told to be) and I am more angry and resentful at my dad for even putting me in the place of his surrogate wife. BUT, right when I start to feel this anger towards him something inside of me feels bad because I am not fulfilling my duty or role of protector. I have so many conflicting emotions and feelings it isn't even funny.... And I just wish I knew WHY I acted out of nowhere or what compelled me to have the emotions and feelings/thoughts out of nowhere.
I KNOW what happened to me was wrong now, and I SEE that it is all dysfunctional but still I can't stop myself from feelings or reacting/acting how I was told/taught. I CAN'T control it. It is something so deep. It is like breathing. How can I reverse this. Is this normal? Was this almost programmed in a sense? I am so mixed up.
NOW, for why I am upset at my dad. He has more or less taken his friend's side on the r*pe. He knows it happened to me and said he feels bad but that he thinks and believes his friend didn't mean to. He says that his friend didn't even hurt me that bad and that he doesn't even really consider it r*pe. He told me how sad and upset his friend is and how he will now have to get a divorce. He told me how this is pretty much ruining his friend's life. I mean, for f*ck's sake! Come on!!!! HE R*PED ME DAD!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel so betrayed by my dad... So betrayed and hurt. After ALL I have done for him all my life. The unbearable pain and sadness that I cannot explain and that he allowed me to feel, the secrets and the pressure I was under, ALL of it. I did that ALL for him without question because I loved him and thought it was normal and he can't do this for me. He can't just be more supportive. I am not sure how I feel but I DO KNOW I FEEL ANGRY... But, at the same time I feel like I am betraying my dad. I am not being who I am supposed to be. My ex told me I should disown my dad. Break ties with him. What he doesn't understand is that it is NOT that easy. What was instilled in me won't let me do that. It is like breathing. I don't know how to not. How do you not breathe? If you were told from birth on for example that every time you see an apple you will bark like a dog and every time you were told this you were also under immense emotional pain... would you not find it almost impossible to bark like a dog when you saw an apple? It comes second nature and it is almost impossible to unlearn it by yourself. I don't know how to. I know I am making progress but I just can't get any further it seems. This all runs so deep. It is in me, it is a part of me. I need psychotherapy I am starting to believe. Can anyone help me or give some input or insight? What do you think I need to fix this all in my head? I was scrambled with lies. I need to be unscrambled. Sorry this was so long and ungodly rambly. I hope it was semi-followable... Thanks for all of those who actually read this in its entirety. Blessings to you all. I support you all 100%. I do not know what I would do without you all. ♥
Much love and support, your friend, Chantel ♥
