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Sufferer Beyond Hope
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I'm in a bind because I can 'talk' here but no one knows the history of anything to understand the meaning of any of it.
But maybe it will still help, IDK........I am wondering today if when my mother was alive it gave me some sort of false idea about my connection to the world and the rest of my family.
That expression about meaning the world to a person is certainly true in my case.
The reason I have such severe PTSD is that I have bipolar disorder and, being an overachiever, I have had spectacular manic episodes, and not in a good way.
They lasted for months at a time and in each one there were several events to qualify on their own for PTSD.
But there was no way to stop and recoup from anything because my diseased mind took me on to the next adventure/trauma.
I've been kidnapped - don't ask me why. Crazy person?
Strung out on drugs?
I wouldn't have been around him if I wasn't manic but what he did is still all him.
He said he was hired to kill me - which is nonsense. Unless the 'boyfriend' I had at the time was a murderer.
No one would want me killed.
Anyway so he help me all night in the desert spinning insane tales - often doing what 'psychics' do as in taking from things I said to spin the tales and make them sound legit.
I didn't believe a single word he said but it didn't matter. If HE believed it it was still going to happen.
Anyway I may or may not go into more detail at a later point. But suffice to say this was frightening beyond imagination.
For weeks I went around terrified that any second a bullet would go through my head. There were times I made all decisions on the fly avoiding a perceived threat.
How much was my manic brain and how much was natural response to trauma I don't know.
Only one time were the symptoms SO CLEAR that would probably happen to anyone.
A man who had already raped me before tried to kill me.
In my mind he was over 6 feet tall and large as in muscle. The last part was true but I looked him up online (mugshots for other crimes) and he was only 5'10".
So I think that is a natural thing - for him to be taller in my mind. And I saw 22 of him everywhere I went - I think that is classic PTSD response. Wearing the same t-shirt and jeans as when he tried to kill me.
Why he did I can only guess. I was running around with a false idea in my head about my 'boyfriend'. My 'boyfriend' told me he was a bounty hunter and sometimes took contracts from the ATF.
So running around and saying this to criminals is probably not very bright.
Or maybe he's just a crazy, violent person. His arrest record seems to indicate that.
ANYWAY so back to the present. My family is done done done with this bipolar business.
I have it under control - have for a long time - but it doesn't matter to them.
My Aunt was coming around after my Mom died but she vanished w/o explanation.
I said or did something I'm not aware of. Or she just decided how did I get dragged back into this? Never mind.
Or the other Aunt that was done with me from the first episode for no direct reason other than fear asked her why are you helping her? Why are you spending time with her?
IDK.
I just know that my phone doesn't ring. Ever.
It is very very odd to be this alone. I do have an Aunt out of town. She sends a little money and also talks to me and emails me. And I am very grateful don't get me wrong.
But we don't know each other well. And most of our conversations are rather superficial.
I miss my Mom that I could say anything to. Who knew everything in the past and I didn't have to explain anything.
I did have a friend sort of for a while that looked me up on facebook. I ran him off. I told too many of my stories. Unintentionally used him as a therapist which he didn't sign up for.
I can't unring that bell. :-(.
So, here I sit.
I am not invited to my Dad's side of the family anymore and I don't specifically know why.
They know I am not going to do anything bad when I am not manic.
Anyway it's terrible to live as a monster.
I'm lucky to have a roof over my head and transportation and food and all of that. internet and TV.
I spend a lot of time being grateful for all that. But days like today.......and today is different than most.
Wrapping my mind around this concept there really is no one to call to ask a question or to just talk or to ask for help or whatever it is that we all normally do.
Go to lunch. Get a Christmas card. Etc.
My Mom made sure I always had a Christmas. A very small one, but it was enough for me. Just for her to visit, bring some modest presents, and go eat and/or watch a movie. It was enough for me.
Total nothingness is not. And that will only get worse.
I should really just lie down and watch TV. I don't know why I am forcing myself to sit up and do nothing.
I haven't figured out how to structure tonight. I had planned on switching channels catching hpefully fun parts of NYE specials.
But I've been getting up early and going to bed early. IDK which is more important - maintaining the schedule or having some semblance of a NYE.
But maybe it will still help, IDK........I am wondering today if when my mother was alive it gave me some sort of false idea about my connection to the world and the rest of my family.
That expression about meaning the world to a person is certainly true in my case.
The reason I have such severe PTSD is that I have bipolar disorder and, being an overachiever, I have had spectacular manic episodes, and not in a good way.
They lasted for months at a time and in each one there were several events to qualify on their own for PTSD.
But there was no way to stop and recoup from anything because my diseased mind took me on to the next adventure/trauma.
I've been kidnapped - don't ask me why. Crazy person?
Strung out on drugs?
I wouldn't have been around him if I wasn't manic but what he did is still all him.
He said he was hired to kill me - which is nonsense. Unless the 'boyfriend' I had at the time was a murderer.
No one would want me killed.
Anyway so he help me all night in the desert spinning insane tales - often doing what 'psychics' do as in taking from things I said to spin the tales and make them sound legit.
I didn't believe a single word he said but it didn't matter. If HE believed it it was still going to happen.
Anyway I may or may not go into more detail at a later point. But suffice to say this was frightening beyond imagination.
For weeks I went around terrified that any second a bullet would go through my head. There were times I made all decisions on the fly avoiding a perceived threat.
How much was my manic brain and how much was natural response to trauma I don't know.
Only one time were the symptoms SO CLEAR that would probably happen to anyone.
A man who had already raped me before tried to kill me.
In my mind he was over 6 feet tall and large as in muscle. The last part was true but I looked him up online (mugshots for other crimes) and he was only 5'10".
So I think that is a natural thing - for him to be taller in my mind. And I saw 22 of him everywhere I went - I think that is classic PTSD response. Wearing the same t-shirt and jeans as when he tried to kill me.
Why he did I can only guess. I was running around with a false idea in my head about my 'boyfriend'. My 'boyfriend' told me he was a bounty hunter and sometimes took contracts from the ATF.
So running around and saying this to criminals is probably not very bright.
Or maybe he's just a crazy, violent person. His arrest record seems to indicate that.
ANYWAY so back to the present. My family is done done done with this bipolar business.
I have it under control - have for a long time - but it doesn't matter to them.
My Aunt was coming around after my Mom died but she vanished w/o explanation.
I said or did something I'm not aware of. Or she just decided how did I get dragged back into this? Never mind.
Or the other Aunt that was done with me from the first episode for no direct reason other than fear asked her why are you helping her? Why are you spending time with her?
IDK.
I just know that my phone doesn't ring. Ever.
It is very very odd to be this alone. I do have an Aunt out of town. She sends a little money and also talks to me and emails me. And I am very grateful don't get me wrong.
But we don't know each other well. And most of our conversations are rather superficial.
I miss my Mom that I could say anything to. Who knew everything in the past and I didn't have to explain anything.
I did have a friend sort of for a while that looked me up on facebook. I ran him off. I told too many of my stories. Unintentionally used him as a therapist which he didn't sign up for.
I can't unring that bell. :-(.
So, here I sit.
I am not invited to my Dad's side of the family anymore and I don't specifically know why.
They know I am not going to do anything bad when I am not manic.
Anyway it's terrible to live as a monster.
I'm lucky to have a roof over my head and transportation and food and all of that. internet and TV.
I spend a lot of time being grateful for all that. But days like today.......and today is different than most.
Wrapping my mind around this concept there really is no one to call to ask a question or to just talk or to ask for help or whatever it is that we all normally do.
Go to lunch. Get a Christmas card. Etc.
My Mom made sure I always had a Christmas. A very small one, but it was enough for me. Just for her to visit, bring some modest presents, and go eat and/or watch a movie. It was enough for me.
Total nothingness is not. And that will only get worse.
I should really just lie down and watch TV. I don't know why I am forcing myself to sit up and do nothing.
I haven't figured out how to structure tonight. I had planned on switching channels catching hpefully fun parts of NYE specials.
But I've been getting up early and going to bed early. IDK which is more important - maintaining the schedule or having some semblance of a NYE.
Jemini
Policy Enforcement
Welcome @cakes. You're not alone. It's good you came here, seeking connection. Means you aren't so alone by choice. As for your state of affairs, I can relate more than I care to admit. You will find others here who have found themselves isolated and unable to function. I relate a lot to your comment that 5 years ago you would have laughed at the idea you could be this dysfunctional. PTSD is a bitch. But imho, the isolation part makes things much worse, and it does not need to be permanent.
You'll find a lot of great people here, as well as really good info about PTSD. Honestly, it is superior to anything I've gleaned from a handful of therapists claiming to specialize in trauma. It can help to understand what you're going through and what you might do about it. Don't believe your present state is permanent.
Consider starting a trauma diary here. You seem open to sharing what you've gone through, and this is a good way to let other people who care to read know what your story is. It also can be part of healing from the trauma.
Since someone recently shared this post with me, here's some info about exposure and diaries: Link Removed
You'll find a lot of great people here, as well as really good info about PTSD. Honestly, it is superior to anything I've gleaned from a handful of therapists claiming to specialize in trauma. It can help to understand what you're going through and what you might do about it. Don't believe your present state is permanent.
Consider starting a trauma diary here. You seem open to sharing what you've gone through, and this is a good way to let other people who care to read know what your story is. It also can be part of healing from the trauma.
Since someone recently shared this post with me, here's some info about exposure and diaries: Link Removed
SoSadGuilty
Confident
I'm new here too @cakes and while my story is very different and I may not be able to offer a huge amount of help I just wanted to extend the welcome you have received from others. People have been very kind to me here thus far and I'm sure you will find this a truly valuable support for you. I'm sad you didn't really have a Christmas this year but maybe next year it will be an entirely different experience for you. Please keep talking to everyone and don't be more alone than you have to be.
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