Relationship Big Shock Tonight

[Froggie]

Hello Jawn, I'm sorry for what you're going through, wish there was something I could do for you ... your story really hits me. I have PTSD, for years, I was terrified to have a man come into my life in case he was a pedophile. Now that I'm feeling better, I still have some fears like before ...BUT... reading what the carers are going through, I don't think I would want to put a good person through what you're going through. It's a time you need to think a bit of yourself, love and care for yourself. She may or may not come back, but you will always be there. You have many friends who care of you here. ((((HUGS))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Jawn,

I have a perspective that is the same as others have mentioned and yet is different, possibly only because I am in a position (myself) where I do not know if I am living with someone who has undiagnosed ptsd +/or (there are) other issues, one of which being that direct-communication is very difficult, either confrontational or physically-impossible, or both, and there are shared purchases/ resources/ responsibilities between us.

I wholly agree with the others that you must express- even if it's very brief and in a non-confrontational-matter-of-fact-way that this is very hard on you- say what you are feeling.
Having ptsd I don't know if at this very moment I would specifically ask her 'why' (those words) she is taking these things, only because she may use it as an excuse to say your words are confrontational. I would however ask her if she has already decided on what items she wants to take, and is just doing so in multiple-trips. Because not only is this hard on you but gives her a reason to keep coming back and taking more. You can say that you don't mean that she is unwelcome to do so, but it is a very odd feeling to keep coming home to an altered/ rearranged house. (bad enough you know yourself privately that you feel in 'limbo', and are not saying it).

I agree with what the others have said, it's one thing to give space and support but you have feelings too, and she may not be aware (or want to be aware) of the impact her decisions and actions have on you.

Personally, I think I would not contact her/ see her for a few days, because I think she is focusing on herself and doesn't really 'want' to think of other's feelings. I know that could be presuming too much and I don't even mean it in a negative way, I just have found myself that except for fulfilling responsibilities etc, one of the best ways to cope with ptsd symptoms, or to get motivation/ overcome fear and choose to do healthier things, is actually to forget about myself/ think of other's feelings more, especially.
I guess what always 'gets me', is that the focus of therapy is so "me' oriented: I understand that we have to work on fixing ourselves both to live and to treat others in the way they should be treated, but I don't think it hurts to realize that is within the context of relationship- the whole point of therapy is to integrate back to some 'normalacy', and proper boundaries. But you are entitled to boundaries too, and concern. You have been nothing but supportive, and you are living there, so if she takes that another way it becomes too similar to walking on eggshells.

I will say as many prayers as I can for you.
-Hugs
Meg

 

[AdamAnt]

I empathize with you Jawn...man, the "death by a thousand cuts" it must seem...

I agree with everyone else, there has to be a way to let her know this hurts you without it turning into an if/or situation. Can only think that in the long run this is just another swag in the roller coaster track?

 

[Iam]

Personally, I think I would not contact her/ see her for a few days, because I think she is focusing on herself and doesn't really 'want' to think of other's feelings. I know that could be presuming too much and I don't even mean it in a negative way, I just have found myself that except for fulfilling responsibilities etc, one of the best ways to cope with ptsd symptoms, or to get motivation/ overcome fear and choose to do healthier things, is actually to forget about myself/ think of other's feelings more, especially.
I guess what always 'gets me', is that the focus of therapy is so "me' oriented: I understand that we have to work on fixing ourselves both to live and to treat others in the way they should be treated, but I don't think it hurts to realize that is within the context of relationship- the whole point of therapy is to integrate back to some 'normalacy', and proper boundaries. But you are entitled to boundaries too, and concern. You have been nothing but supportive, and you are living there, so if she takes that another way it becomes too similar to walking on eggshells.

I believe Meg is right Jawn. I know without a doubt that I have become more "me oriented" because of therapy. Though am at a point now where I am actually thinking of and acknowledging my husbands feelings and hurts due to my PTSD. You do have the right to know what is going on with the household items. More importantly, you do need to share with your wife how you are feeling. YOUR FEELINGS and NEEDS COUNT TOO!

(((HUGS)))
Lauren

 

[ISupportHer]

I'll join the band wagon in saying what Junebug and Iam have said, in particular. Yes you have feelings and I think it's OK to show that side to your wife. I am being somewhat hypocritical in saying that because I too walk on eggshells and will not do things that I feel will make things worse. Just can't do it. One bitten, twice shy, I guess.

Having said that, I WOULD have to say something about things disappearing if I were in a similar situation. Unless the items are obviously personal and her's, then and joint possessions need to be talked about and not to be too harsh, saying nothing, in a way, is conveying it is OK for that to happen.

Sorry, LOL, opinions are like A**holes? Everyone has one, LOL.

ISH

 

[Tinyflame]

Lol- it's ok ISH "..And some are better formed than others"

 

[AdamAnt]

Sorry, LOL, opinions are like A**holes? Everyone has one, LOL.ISH

Lol- it's ok ISH "..And some are better formed than others"

I....hmmm....was gonna comment and just can't! :)

 

[Jawn]

Thanks everyone. ISH, all of the things disappearing are definitely hers and not ours. They are things like pictures, nicknacks, and things she has had for many years. Really, I was surprised when she left this stuff behind in the first place, so I probably shouldn't be upset, but I just can't help it. I will try to tell her how it makes me feel and see what happens although I will wait a few days.

I think Junebug offered some good insight. I too think she is focusing on herself and not thinking about how it is affecting me. I think she probably saw some things and just decided to take them without realizing it causes me pain. Or maybe she is making a list as she thinks of things. I guess I will try to keep hanging in there and be supportive. And try to grow a pair and speak up now and then! :D

Oh wait, I did notice she took a bottle opener and that only leaves me 4 in the kitchen drawer! Doesn't she know I use all of them? ROFL!

Thanks everyone,

Jawn

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Jawn,

When you say that they are 'her' things, I wouldn't worry. We women 'needs' things that guys wouldn't even think of, because it's usually never for the purpose for which it's designed, and we remember them when we do!
Also, it can't feel very good for her to not feel as if she is in a "home" at the moment- not exactly a good feeling to feel like you're living out of a suitcase.

That being said however, it does give you an opportunity to bring up your feelings.

However, if it gets you down because you follow-thru with the assumption (for lack of a better term) that that indicates you will never be together in your own home, I think that may be looking into the future too far, and more specifically reading more 'negative' into the situation than is necessary- that is actually frequently what 'we' do with ptsd :eek:

Much well wishes to you Jawn, and PS.. when I read ISH's quote: I saw 'asses'- (quite a difference, lol)

 

[Jawn]

LOL! I was wondering if you were a proctologist or something! HA!

Thanks Meg. Your insights are appreciated very much. Except for that bottle opener, it is definitely her stuff. Of course I don't give a rip about the bottle opener. The stuff is pictures of her parents when they were kids, other members of her family, her wedding photo album from her first marriage, some of her sunflower "stuff", and other things that clearly aren't mine. I know it shouldn't upset me, but unfortunately it does.

I got home tonight and there is a message from her wanting me to meet her in the morning. Her voice sounded a bit "odd" on the answering machine and when I called her back it was very short. I said "I got your message and sure I can meet you." She said "OK, I'll see you then. Bye." Ugh! Of course my mind jumps to the worst case scenario which hopefully is not what she wants to talk about. I am hoping she wants to discuss how to handle Christmas or something. I guess I shouldn't worry about it 'cause I will know tomorrow.

If anyone wants to pray for something good to happen for me tomorrow, you have my permission! ;)

Jawn

 

[AdamAnt]

Good God Jawn, can I relate to jumping to the worst possible scenario..sheesh. All I can say is that I've been exactly where you are, thinking how could it possibly be anything else because of this aaaand that, and when it comes down to it it was something totally else and just the relief of that leaves me bewildered....

I'd think that her T is advising her not to make any big changes in anything right now. That's i think the general consensus isn't it?

 

[Jawn]

I hope it works out that way too Adam. Yeah in the past her sister, best friend, and T all told her not to make any changes, but knowing how stubborn she can be I do worry about. Hopefully this meeting is about Christmas and how she wants to handle it. I guess I will find out in the morning.

Jawn