Research Biology And Disorder: Can We Learn To Override Enough Of Our Ptsd?

[Powder]

As Junebug stated, trust, as described eloquently in the article above, is problematic for those with PTSD arising from childhood abuse from an "authority figure." As such, I have tried to override biology and trust a therapist. Even when I deem the therapist trustworthy or of merit, I cannot "feel" trust or an ability to talk with them openly as in a trusting relationship. In fact, I feel so anxiety-ridden just going to therapy that I freeze up inside, literally cold and paralyzed. I can't unfreeze my emotions well, or I just cry. Not real helpful if you ask me. I cannot be myself. As the article states, the relationship does not ensue; therefore, therapy does not ensue.

Thus, the only talk therapy I can actually DO involves talking with my husband, who is empathetic and trustworthy, but not trained, obviously.

Ironically, I don't think my therapists and I ever get to "burnout" because we can't get off the ground.

I posted the article for the PTSD elements, which I thought were well explicated for my problem. However, my sister has comorbid PTSD/Bipolar, supposedly, diagnosed in the psych ward after a suicide attempt.
When I read the article, I was struck by the fact that I was reading my sister's behavior over her childhood and adult life precisely. I never knew what she was dealing with and was often on the receiving end of her risk-taking behavior, which on one occassion got me hurt and bleeding, and on another, nearly got both of us in a head-on auto collision. This article puts a depressing light on my sister's condition, and everyone with severe BP and PTSD. It makes me feel that there are others worse off than me, and yet, I cannot attend talk therapy for this, and the other reason, which is to say, they know far less about PTSD than I do. I feel I should be charging them. :sneaky:

But on to Hashi's statement that gets at a deeper ideology. Hashi, you state that someone "doesn't give up on us or our healing" and I think I can see what you mean. You see the arising of traumatic memory as a kind of healing crisis then? Partly, I tend to agree with you. Only partly, however, because the healing crisis is, in fact, symptoms of a disorder that make life quite painful and truly unbearable at times. Let me be specific.

In a recent flashback, I was back in the time directly after one of the many traumas in which I was abandoned by my raping father. The emotional state I felt was unbearable. As I tried to say with Junebug, there really are not words for the sense of it. I just remember not even being able to cry, the physical and emotional agony being so severe, all I wished for was death.

The fact death did not come seemed the final straw. It was as if something in us knows that in severe trauma, especially physical, we are supposed to leave our bodies and "go home" as it were. With this kind of severe emotional trauma with severe physical and emotional pain, without death, the mind feels cheated out of the release and crushed that after such severe trauma, I would be subject to further repeat torture. It's no wonder I learned to dissociate completely and entirely upon demand. I can instantly check out/black out, and leave for several minutes to try to avoid this utter hellish state.

I don't think having such flashbacks can be viewed in my mind as "healing" per se in an uncomplicated sense. If I didn't have the support of my husband after that lastest episode (or someone) I would have in that state of mind ended my life, as that was the only thing I wanted when feeling that way. I just wanted out!

Hashi is quite correct that what I've used thus far for 36 years to remain functional is "control." He rightly read the dream of the chaotic vehicle as such. Now, I call it "emotional numbing," as do many therapists. Whatever it is, I have been able to rely on it to get through life.

Without it, I could not be as high-functioning as I am. It's how I was able to get educated and learned to focus when in hell. Dissociation was used also, but that is more a mystery, and should be in it's own thread for now.

It will take the rest of my life, I'm sure, to lessen the need to control, and to slowly relinguish the choke hold upon myself that I need to survive and function as a human being. Removing the need to know what's coming and to feel in control is a hallmark of PTSD avoidance. (We don't like surprises!) Removal of control is not desired as a milestone of healing. It is something to work with. Everyone needs to feel a locus of control within them. Research shows that those who have an internal locus of control are much more able to be successful in life. Therefore, this is not necessarily a negative. However, it can be too much of a good thing for sure!

I think what you mean, Hashi, is to lessen the avoidance, lessen the control, and allow exposure for therapuetic purposes. I also agree with that. However, support is needed and symptoms will appear, will they not? Retraumatization is not desirable. Nor is suicidality. Talk therapy does not help me with this dilema.

My conclusion is that those receiving the other modalities deal with the same biological limitations I do, however, they possess access to supports that address the biological realities better than those unable to use talk therapy with professionals unfamiliar with trauma.

I also conclude that I am not able to feel as Hashi does because I do not have access to the supports he has. If I did, I might see my symptoms in less negative a light and embrace healing more. In the absense of therapy, I feel lost in a sea of symptoms. No meds have helped. Benzos are an avoidant crutch (see article) and I agree.

Those of us with complex PTSD, or childhood attachment trauma, are not as optimistic for good reason. How can a tree bent at its inception be expected to grow straight without such trauma as to kill the tree? Look at nature for examples. We are as we are. Thusly, I expect healing is nothing more than learning to live this way. In a word, Acceptance.

 

[Powder]

Thank you Muse, must head to work but I will come back to read.

Maybe it doesn't touch on this at all, but it got me thinking, maybe that is sort of like revisiting the original event- because in that way it is like a FB, because it is more like 'reliving', when such memories surface- but this time with an ally, a witness, safety, help. And then perhaps words (and emotions) can be (re)written to it. But this time with safety, etc. - a different 'feeling'.

Perhaps a sign of progress there might be that eventually (then) those memories become 'true' memories- not state-dependent (because they're no longer as horrific, terrifying, etc.)?

That would be, kind of like a mini-chance to rewrite history. :)

((((((((((Big Hugs))))) :hug: .

I would like to "Like" this post 100 times! Yes! You were able to write it out completely and capture my meaning entirely. Thank you!!! I could not put the words to it as this was a couple weeks ago, and I loose the thread so fast. I was told to journal. Is that why you can recall this? Just curious. You have the pulse of it better than I.

Have a good New Year's Eve! :)

 

[Powder]

Full agreement with Junebug. My point is that I no longer hunt for healing as the same word. Healing is not total remission for me. I've never experienced it, and do not believe in it. That, to me, would change my diagnosis from PTSD to PTS. The D is a life sentence. Hashi, I have to accept that in order to accept myself for who I am. Otherwise, I live in denial and I don't take responsibility for my actions.

You may be at a different point on a different healing journey than me, and that's okay. I fully respect and admire yours. :)

What I describe is no less optimistic. I take my cue from survivors such as Viktor Frankl who have lived through hell. We do not live in the hope of discarding hell. Rather, we live in the hope of making the world better in some way for someone by our own efforts. We radically accept the hell will always be part of us now, but we desire to put it to some use, change it, as Junebug said, to mold it into "something else" until we can be "somewhere else." I added the last part. Rather than axiously await release/death, living, not just surviving, requires self-care and the care of something or someone greater than us. We need a good cause. We need to love and look outside ourselves.

I believe this is a good thing, spiritually, for everyone, but that it is even more vital for those with trauma. The ability to raise the experience into the symbolic is human. All cultures have stories. We write our lives into our story in words and pictures and other symbols. We create ourselves out of the hand we are dealt and with creative power.

Right now, Hashi sees a light at the end of the tunnel. I see a trail leading into a thick forest. Where does it end? I have never been worried about the destination. I am not afraid of life after death. It's life here that most harms us, and most concerns me. It is simply being "here" that worries me. The foreshortened future is what looms in the shadow. Rather than focus on that, I try to do what I can, day by day, to make the world a brighter place for those I care about and love. My work makes the world better for many young people. By working to brighten their future, I create one for myself, in love, one day at a time.

Love to all on this special day!

 

[Hashi]

Sorry it's taken me so long to come back to this thread, I didn't seem to get alerts that there were more replies (probably a problem with me rather than the alerts system).

Muse, I respect that we each have our own beliefs and our own individual journeys.

I wanted to clarify some of the things I meant. I have a dilemma in doing this, though. I'm creating a website about healing from a particular type of trauma, and I've realised that there are things I've put in this thread that I need to cover in my website.

If I post explanations here they'll become the copyright of this site. Then I wouldn't be able to use them on my own. So I think it would be best not to try to explain my thoughts any more here. It'll be on my own website with more explanation eventually.

It sounds like you have decided a way forward that feels right for you. Sending you every good wish.

 

[Powder]

Thanks, Hashi, I think I understand.

I'm glad to hear about your site. I would like to see that.

I have re-read your post on healing, and I think I see more in it, giving a listen to the ideas again. I like how you mention that trying to hold the trauma back and avoid and control it can be a coping or crutch that keeps it stuck at the same level of potential PTSD. I do think that makes sense. Even though this has been a terrible two years, maybe someday the work done in it will matter. Maybe I will feel better somehow. Perhaps this is what healing feels like and I'm just not able to see it yet.

However, as a lifelong PTSD sufferer, I don't know what I'm supposed to be aiming for except for better than this. I want a better life for my family; they shouldn't have to live with a wife/mom who is so sad and serious or trembling and wanting to be alone almost all the time. I can't have people over anymore without severe stress. It's surprised me how bad I am now compared to when I was in denial.

If I'm moving through healing, all I know is my kids deserve better than this, and I wish it would hurry up so they can have a mom back.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Muse, I'm sure you've never stopped being a mom or wife, and especially not one your children and husband ever stopped loving, for you as you are.

As you said,

.. I try to do what I can, day by day, to make the world a brighter place for those I care about and love. My work makes the world better for many young people. By working to brighten their future, I create one for myself, in love, one day at a time.

You do for your family, also.

:hug:

 

[Hashi]

I have re-read your post on healing, and I think I see more in it, giving a listen to the ideas again. I like how you mention that trying to hold the trauma back and avoid and control it can be a coping or crutch that keeps it stuck at the same level of potential PTSD. I do think that makes sense. Even though this has been a terrible two years, maybe someday the work done in it will matter. Maybe I will feel better somehow. Perhaps this is what healing feels like and I'm just not able to see it yet.

Just to explain a little - yes, that's exactly what I think about trying to keep things pushed back and controlled. They'll always be there in that case.

I don't think exposure therapy is always the answer. It hasn't been for me, but it might be for someone else. The most important point is that even if exposure therapy, talk therapy or cognitive behavioural therapy is going to be right for someone, I think there has to be a stage before that of dealing with the non-rational fears at the non-rational level.

Flashbacks come from a part of us that can't be reasoned with or reached with words. If we use only reasoning, verbal and/or behavioural approaches to control the fears, we will never reach that part enough to heal it. We can only push it down. Imagery is a way to calm the responses and then permanently change them, because that non-verbal, non-rational part of us responds to symbolism and images.

Belleruth Naparstek does explain it well in "Invisible Heroes". As a therapist, she found she was actually doing more harm than good by getting her clients to talk about trauma while still very vulnerable to trauma responses. They needed to work in a different way first.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think maybe also some things are too raw, or for some of us may forever be. I have heard a saying coined, "too bruised to be touched", I get that, it hurts too much, but it's not an 'intentional' response, not sure if I'd even call it 'rational' or 'irrational'. It just 'is'. But maybe it's not (necessarily) inevitable, for everyone.

 

[Powder]

I think you are both correct from where I stand. Hashi, I think the responsiveness to imagery, or what we may think of as archetypal is intriguing. I would like to read that book or any source of more. Any other books? Thanks for sharing. Where can I get a copy? :)

 

[Hashi]

Where can I get a copy?

I got mine secondhand on Amazon (it's quite expensive to buy new). I don't know what country you're in, but here's the Amazon UK link which has the details:

Dead Link Removed

She includes some guided imagery in the book. This must be helpful to a lot of people because she's developed it by working with clients and making recordings for them. Personally, I don't like her guided imagery, especially because she likes bringing in some sort of "being" and although it's always benign and there to help, this is too risky for me. My reasons for saying this are:

1) You might like her guided imagery and if so, great. If you don't, don't let it put you off because there are other ways to do it.

2) You need to be careful about the images that you use. What's fine for one person isn't for another - always check them first to make sure you're comfortable with all the images.

What I much prefer is to use a direct, strong metaphor, like the Stone Metaphor she describes in Chapter 2 and the spontaneous imagery right at the beginning of Chapter 10. I make up my own images along these lines, both to express my feelings and reactions, and to change them.

I hope you find it some help. :)

Another book which has helped me is "Psychic Protection" by William Bloom. This isn't specific to trauma, and the focus is mainly on protecting from other people's negativity, aggression and ill will. Still, I found it very helpful to get an idea of grounding, and how to use imagery to feel safe on a deep level. Even though the image examples in the book weren't often ones I wanted to use myself, by the time I'd read it I had a good idea of the type of thing, and what I needed for myself.

Dead Link Removed

Something to note about this and a lot of imagery/psychic protection advice, is that they focus on protecting yourself from something outside getting to you. As a trauma survivor, I've internalised a lot of scary things, so I need to be careful not to block them inside by putting some sort of defence all around me. My image has to include driving out things that come up from within, too, like a part of me chasing them out of me.

 

[Powder]

Thank you, Hashi, I will check these out and like the ideas you shared from them.

I can totally understand the images that come from internal and deciding how to not block or control but to limit and decide to allow them to go. This is an orientation that makes sense to me.