Blissfully Abiding

[hodge]

Already am doing :-)

 

[Bliss]

@hodge, well it may be coincidental, but I doubt it, prayers work. I have been reading on here last hour and I have renewed faith and hope . Just came back here to write my spirt is back !

I hadn't been able to read this website since I joined except in a few five min increments here and there. Finally had a couple of hours.

Just when I am about to give in settle into my gloom hope comes along! My hopes for this week.

Post dbt tomorrow get new lesson

I rejoined low carbers website today, post there tomorrow.

Write amount time I spend with intention to blissfully abide (rest with relaxed mind,.no goal:))

Try lamictal again and see how back pain is.

 

[Bliss]

One time in my four years of camping alone with dog, I made an exception to my rule to not have extended conversations with single men, this was three years ago. Thoufht he was ok. Gave him my number, spent couple hours with him, parked by him in campground. Long story short felt I needed to get away from him, didn't feel right. Left a note. He kept texting me ending up calling me an "anorexia whore" I had done nothing to lead him on in anyway, other than talk to him. I never responded to any of his texts. I have had no extended conversations with anyone who might be interested in me since. Kind if sad, but saftey first.

So sure enough at this campground moved I forgot it is hunting season and won't even say, moved up by host, guy rides by on bke, "where u from?" Looking at my license plate, it was him. We both recognized each other. I did nothing wrong. I am making the dog sleep in back of truck with me she hates it, but no one messes me with her there. She threw up twice today worried. Taking her to ocean tomorrow to get clean and have fun

 

[Bliss]

Lesson ER3. HOMEWORK - DESCRIBING AND NAMING EMOTIONS: PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER.
Think of an event, which is recent, but will not distress you too much...
My dog, emotional support animal for ten years, throwing up.
Emotion Names?: as you described them to yourself at the time

scared, sad
Intensity : At the highest level during the experience? (Lowest. 0–100. Very highest): 80, 80
80
Prompting Event for the emotion (who, what, where, when)
My dog was throwing up all day, she is ten years old, only done that maybe twice.
Vulnerability Factors: What made you more vulnerable to the emotions in the prompting event?
It feels like she is all I really have right now, she has become my emotional support animal.
We are camping and I depend on her to feel safe and not alone.
I did not know a vet.
Previous history of similar events?
I guess it would be feeling alone in an unknown area.
Not knowing how to take care of animals.

Biological barriers
(Feeling unwell, long-standing emotions, sleep, etc).
PTSD symptoms still pretty high.
Still stepping down in nicotine patches, more vulnerable feeling.
Not eating the best.
Interpretations (beliefs, assumptions, appraisals) of the situation:
what if she dies? What will I do? This is horrible.
Action Urges: What did I FEEL like doing? What did I WANT to say?
Felt like Shutting down, crying, freaking out, going numb, dissociating. Felt like laying with her, curling up.
Experience
Your Expressions & Actions?
Googled what to watch for with dogs throwing up. Found a vet, 30 miles away I could go to in the morning. Started doing a cope ahead plan, going into rational mind. What would I need for tomorrow? getting it ready. Watching her, thinking logically about possible causes and did I need to take her now. Went into action mode.

What was your facial expression? Tense, focused
Posture? Rigid, quick
Gestures? Rapid
What you SAID in the situation? Telling myself to cope with this, deal with it
What you DiD in the situation? Researched, planned, went to emotion mind, then rational mind, then wise mind.
After Effects.
What short or long term effects did the event have on you - your state of mind, emotions, behaviour, on other people.
The after affect was actually productive in many ways. I became sad and felt all the love, admiration and respect I have for this dog. I quit having the desire to organize all day like I often do. I have been spending time feeling, thinking of the good times, all she has done for me and I won't have her for ever. I took her to the ocean, I washed her good, have been walking her more letting her sniff more, more about her less about me! Gratitude.
I also decided I needed a cope ahead plan for when she does go and started on getting support and processing that. It got me to reach out to others. Become aware I need more support, connection.

Understanding Emotions
Then?
Which words describe how you felt at the time? (As many as you can think of). Scared, sad, overwhelmed, focused, balanced, grateful
Using the information you have written, check with Handout 6 to decide which was your Primary, Basic Emotion.

Now ?
What underlying Primary emotion do you now understand that you were experiencing? Fear then sad
Thinking back, what do you think was the purpose for your Primary Emotional response in this particular event?
Get me moving, thinking, acting to take care of the immediate situation and the longer term one also.
Sad remember how bonded I am to her, how much I owe her and make the most of our days as I can, use the time we have together wisely. Have fun, make memories.

 

[Bliss]

From thread I posted on when they die..
Ohio state veterinarian college has a good PDF, on emotional support animals dying. They have a "honor the bond" program for their clients that has social workers who help with end of life decisions, memorials, cremations or burial, support. I would do it for sure. Going to research hotlines. This is all coming from one tough cookie, me:)but I am a realist too. This is going to testme Like nothing before.

I am worried about anger and self destruction, dissociation, if this starts to happen my emergency plan is fly home if I have to and go into the shelter.

The only hope I have is my spirtual practice, it is the only thing I have ever seen really help people in situations like this.

 

[Bliss]

Ok I did enough work on that for today, good things I did that are giving me a sense if empowerment today, went to dermatologist first time, they froze three spots and biopsied one. I have not left the camp ground because of being afraid if that guy, doing alot of self.talk on that. Day 42 as non smoker, did dbt homework and posted.

 

[Bliss]

My dad is a scary, scary narrassist. I forget how mean he is, I try and be there for him and then gent all twisted up. Came "home" because I was worried about losing my dog on the road, the instability in the country then my daughter hurt her act skiing. I am battling parinoia now, so far I am staying afloat. I love the life I designed for myself and can't wait to get out of here again. Just writing this to keep myself accountable to reality!

 

[Bliss]

Whew, that was a intense learning experience, came home worried about dog, worried about the country, worried about daughter who hurt her leg skiing. Forgot about dad and his diagnosed, full blown selfishness! Can't stay with him, made it one night and got a motel. In Michigan going to stay three more weeks and then go to padre island and sleep on the beach with dog and enjoy the hell out of ourselves!!! Final ally at 51 after living a lifetime of feeling my value comes from being there for others, have finally gotten to the place that it is enough that I am alive, my dog is still alive and we are going to enjoy ourselves for no good reason, just because there is nothing else to do :). I will join in any protests along the border against building a wall while we travel Texas, New Mexico, California.

I was scared in Florida where I was a couple of weeks ago because of this political, racist stuff, but now as often happens, when the worst happens I see how little I have to lose and how much freedom is there for me and the dog if I choose it. We can go back to the Seirra Nevada and camp in the spring, can see my daughter in Reno and stay at the crazy sands hotel, we can go to the national forests in California.

This was an intense ingraining the lesson that my parents were never there for me, I have to be there for them or there is no relationship. But because i have been living with this since age 14, I know how to take care of myself. I have had disability for PTSD for about six years and I had to leave a abusive boyfriend when I got it so I learned how to live on the road, because of the dog I learned I can go so many places without trouble, we have been all over the country numerous times. Now I can do a thank u for your service tour for her:). Make it about her, let her run, play, sniff. Learn again if I live in a way that is healthy for a dog it is good for me :) Will make a game out of how long I can blissfully abide

 

[Bliss]

I am in danger of remaining in La la land, which I entered about a week ago, getting unregulated, depressed, anxious, paranoid. Had been off sugar, carbs, this is one week into being where i grew up. I was going to stay but I am leaving then will come back in May, I want to be around daughter. I am hurting. I want to be nurturing to myself so I need to protect myself, make myself feel safe, best way for me to do this is get my routine going again. On line dbt, fitness pal food and exercise tracking. Make learning tai chi priority.

If I post public ally weather anyone reads or not, I get it done not sure why but it works, done it for years on different forums. So commit to doing it daily along with being able to read and respond to others while I have internet at motel for next couple of weeks, don't have it when camping.

Dog thing is still super hard, but taking extra great care of her and learning a lot more. Need to write my cope ahead plan and post on her dying and what I do with body.

So goals for next week
Make app with vet, X-rays, diet, tooth, eye,
Call daughter, go to movie
Get plates for car
Buy yogurt, veggies

There are many more but I am tired

 

[SophiaWisdom]

I was drawn by your wonderful title and name and had to read every entry when I saw how much we had in common.

In 2015 I spent 13 months without a permanent home, traveling the world some, staying with my ex and friends some, and just having the best year ever that I'd always dreamed of. I was a big traveler before but not having to pay rent freed me. I miss it all the time and hate my current town, but my current CPTSD episode has me just focusing on EMDR right now and just getting better.

I am also 7 months into a man/dating fast so I don't like to spend too much time with single men alone either, though there are a couple who are on my "approved list".

I'm very inspired by your journey and process and just the fact that others are likeminded.

My 7 or 8 year old dog (he's a shelter rescue so not sure) woke me 4 times one night recently cuz he kept throwing up too. You shed some light on the whole thing for me with your posts on it, but yes it was very disconcerting (and also having to clean up vomit from my bedroom floor.) Anyway, sorry to be so longwinded!

Sophia

 

[Bliss]

SophiaWisdom,
Great name you have too:)

So glad you said something, not long winded at all, needed to hear from a fellow traveler in PTSD and the world.

Makes sense to stay put part of the time and do the therapy, it is not easy after the travel, freedom bug has bitten!
Amazing where we can go when we don't have to pay rent.

I decided I am going to stay here till August and deal with family stuff and the dog stuff, it is going to be expensive and emotional, Hopefully get that done and August back on the road with her.

Write anytime would love to hear about your travels in the world, and dog, emdr:)

 

[Bliss]

Did all the goals I posted yay! This dog stuff has made me realize how much better my life is because of her, the freedom she provides, I can go anywhere with out worring about danger from other people, which is huge for me. So while researching for her, I ran across about training dogs and for a distraction from focusing on my anxieties I am going to study how to train them. I never set out for her to be a emotional support, thearpy or service dog and technically she is not but she sure acts like it. I am on disability for PTSD so I am eligible.

Decided I am going to pay the vet whatever to look into this crystals in the urine thing, did my own research, I am not knowledgable enough or confident enough to go it alone, may end up with surgery and my savings gone, but she gave me a life I need to make sure she is not in any pain. We go on wendsday to vet brings up all my trust issues, scared.