Sexual Assault Body Memories? If So, How Do I Get Rid Of It?

[_inasense]

*Note: disturbing contents.

Hey. Ever since I was sexually assaulted about a year ago, I have been feeling this arbitrary, yet chronic pain. In short, I can still feel his penetration(s) inside me...every. single. day.
Initially, I just ignored this symptom and assumed that it was just an expected residual effect after being assaulted. I mean the guy was quite rough and I was a virgin, so it must have been a normal body reaction...right?

However, fast forward to a couple days, weeks, and months... these reoccurrences say so otherwise.

Anyways, I was wondering if you guys have any idea as to why I could still feel that "pain" when such a long time had passed. Like is this some form of somatic/body pain? :s
Also, do you have any suggestions on how to get rid of that sensation? I mean it doesn't really disrupt my life that much...I just find it to be very, very disturbing and of course debilitating. Especially, when the frequencies has been intensifying as of late. Maybe its because its almost the day of that "event".

It just hurts so much.

So, please what should I do? I know I should be used to the pain now since it had been so prolonged. Yet, I still dread for that moment. The moment, where it hits me so unexpectedly to the extent where I just want to break down and cry.

*sigh.
Its so hard to recover when I'm reminded of the pain...almost indefinitely.

any input would be very much appreciated.

Thank you,
from a struggling "adult" who was once a teen a year ago and is now expected to be a grown up.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. Are you in any kind of therapy?

I know I should be used to the pain now since it had been so prolonged...

I can only say that there isn't a "should" here, really. I still feel things unexpectedly that happened to me over 20 years ago.

But doing trauma therapy is helping me get rid of them.

They do get more frequent whenever it's more on my mind, so the anniversary coming up might be affecting you in that way.

Bodies really do remember.

 

[Friday]

EasyButton check... Have you been checked out by an OB/Gyn for physical damage & STIs? Either or both can cause significant pain from scar tissue, a non-healing fissure, splinters or other foreign object shards that have encapsulated, lesions or growths, etc.

Personally, and this isn't for everyone, I replaced every bad memory with a 1000 good memories. Many I just dove into (aka straight up sex), some I had to work myself up to (like having other things, like food etc, in my mouth before I could even rationally contemplate fellatio).

 

[Chava]

Agree with therapy suggestion. Body memories are basically somatic "flashbacks" or a trauma re-experiencing. And also checking with ob/gyn.

I replaced every bad memory with a 1000 good memories

I like this too. I was going to add the idea of distraction or get moving. Remind your body that you are okay and in control (certain kinds of pain send me into bad meltdowns if I can't counteract them at the right point). But this idea of replacing bad memories....I've had to work pretty consciously to create good experiences and feelings. They don't really un-do the trauma but in a way they help balance out the bad feelings somewhat. I'm very skilled at feeling only bad feelings...it's hard to feel good feelings. I really don't even want to sometimes (so then the work is to feel comfortable with "neutral" or basic safety). New experiences are helpful too, because they help tell my body that I can experience and feel new and positive things. Like new, less horrible nerve pathways take up some of the nerve/pain/experience space. New activities, new adventures, exercise that feels good, spending time doing things you enjoy, safe things that absorb lots of attention.

Those are things for everyday management and have become easier for me and helped through the course of time. But really, are you able to check on doing therapy with a trauma specialist?

 

[Born to Run]

I know I should be used to the pain now since it had been so prolonged. Yet, I still dread for that moment. The moment, where it hits me so unexpectedly to the extent where I just want to break down and cry.

You write quite clear in these two sentences what the point exactly is. Your physical pain remembers you constantly of your emotional pain, as these are intricately linked in our brain. Once you would be able to start processing that emotional pain, it is my experience that the physical pain disappears after.

 

[aev3]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. It sounds like it must be so disturbing for you, and I will be praying that you find relief and peace soon.

I can definitely relate - I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and intimate partner assault, and I sometimes experience somatic pain that sounds similar to yours. I'll sometimes have intense pelvic pain, or sometimes phantom feelings of penetration, and it can be incredibly disturbing. I found "Healing Sex" by Stacey Haines to be an invaluable resource in understanding what I was experiencing. While I certainly find the pain invasive and frustrating, I've learned to listen to what the pain is telling me. Usually there's a pattern to when the pain flares up (often in conjunction with emotional stuff I'm not dealing with, or if I have sex with someone before I feel truly safe and ready.) Perhaps try keeping a journal to track when the episodes happen, and see what your body might be telling you?

Above all else, practice forgiving yourself for feeling this way. You've survived horrors, and you and your body are doing the best you can to cope. Remember above all else to be kind to yourself.

 

[_inasense]

Thank you guys for all the helpful suggestions, and with such quick responses! (:

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. Are you in any kind of therapy?

Its okay. I guess it is something I just have to live with. No I am not in therapy, however looking into these responses I may consider going into one. How exactly does therapy work if you don't mind sharing. I may be generalizing, but is it where you just go face to face and talk out your problems?

Bodies really do remember.

I find that fascinating, yet tragic at the same time s:

 

[_inasense]

EasyButton check... Have you been checked out by an OB/Gyn for physical damage & STIs? Either or bot...

Not really, but I had been tested for an STIs by a doctor though… five months after that said event. He opted for a pelvic exam, but I never really proceeded.
However, physical damage (I suspect a fissure) could correspond to what I am experiencing. Although, its weird to how the pain just randomly happens, so I don't know. It could be a possibility though.

.…but, I’m too scared to have a pelvic exam… not to mention how embarrassing it would be! The last time I went to the doctor I had a full blown flashback :/

I replaced every bad memory with a 1000 good memories.

Hmmm, yeah that definitely would be a good alternative! I mean I have been getting urges to be sexually active, but I'd prefer to abstinence from sex…for now (I’m deathly fearful of contracting STDs). But I guess the concept of exposure (bit by bit) would maybe lessen the intensity of that memory.

Would replacing that memory work in the long run though?

 

[_inasense]

Agree with therapy suggestion. Body memories are basically somatic "flashbacks" or a trauma re-experiencin...

I have been finding it extremely challenging to distract myself since the sensation just completely overwhelm all my thoughts.. No matter how much I try to deny it, the pain is there and its real...meaning he's still here (okay, that was an exaggeration).

You do have some pretty nice suggestions though. I'll try to consciously think of good thoughts to balance it all out even if its temporary. Although, I am interested in something for the long term.

& I'm not to sure. I frankly do not know where to start. Would I need a referral from a doctor to be able to see a trauma specialist?

 

[_inasense]

You write quite clear in these two sentences what the point exactly is. Your physical pain remembers...

You have a great point! How exactly would I be able to process that pain though? I mean I thought I had moved on already since thinking about that event doesn't bother me that much anymore; and my flashbacks lessened to the point of non-existent. Yet, I still feel that disturbing sensation.

Okay maybe I lied at the former. I could still feel my heart rate increasing when I remember...with some occasional hot flashes now and than.

Is it only through therapy than?

 

[_inasense]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. It sounds like it must be so disturbing for you, and I will be prayi...

Hey. Sorry to hear that you had experienced such a similar ordeal. It really is a small world. No one deserves to be treated that way, much less to make one feel this terrifying pain. Thanks for the suggestion though, I will definitely read it once I have time! Hmm, yeah maybe by understanding to as why or when this pain occurs it could help limit future attacks, or dare I say...that maybe, just maybe I could accept this feeling and move on.

Is that even possible?
Yeah, a diary would be very beneficial! Although, as mentioned mine is pretty arbitrary without no particular triggers...I think. I don't know maybe I just haven't realized it yet s:

& forgiving myself has been a struggling process, like even when I validate that it wasn't my fault or it was not in my control...the shame associated with that trauma is difficult to shake off. But nonetheless, I will still try.

PS, are you in therapy ATM too?

& Omg. I am such a noob...maybe I should have replied in one post lol.
Sorry for the spam guys.

 

[Chava]

I'll try to consciously think of good thoughts to balance it all out even if its temporary

I didn't mean thoughts, but if that is helpful for sure try that too. Trauma is so much a body thing. I counter too much bad feeling with good feelings or feelings that remind me I'm not trapped, or that I'm "here", etc. Exercise I enjoy, quick walk with the dog...usually something active to counter physical feelings I can't tolerate. To counter too much thinking or thoughts I can't tolerate artwork or something that absorbs my attention helps better....so I guess my distractions or good things depend quite a bit on what's going on with me and that's taken time to sort out.

You could ask you doctor for a referral. Depending on your insurance, you might need the doctor referral. I don't, but the issue is a whole lot of crappy therapy options in my mostly rural area. So I did some research and travel a bit. But if you're not sure where to start, talk to your doctor or call the mental health division of a local clinic and ask if they have a therapist who specializes in trauma. If you don't have thoughts and feelings about the trauma but are still reliving it in a sensory/somatic way (flashback or body memory), which is completely common, it would be very helpful to find a therapist who really is a trauma specialist...not just a counselor who deals with a little bit of everything. EMDR might help, or body psychotherapy such as Somatic Experiencing.

If you don't notice any patterns or triggers or connected feelings, you still should consider a pelvic exam to rule out something else. Pain from problems done there can be completely random. So can body memories. But for me body memories seemed random when really there was usually a set up or trigger I just wasn't recognizing. A good therapist could help you through some of that. But a pelvic exam could help you rule out other possible issues so you really know you are dealing with body memories (sounds like you are...but even to know it's not a combination of factors...some of my pain is purely physiological but triggers body memories).