Emerg Services Bothered By Recent Suicides

[NarcSis]

I'm former EMS, fired this year by my employer. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2008 and have been struggling with almost constant bouts of symptoms since then, even my remission periods don't spare me from all of the symptoms.

Recently here in Canada we have had a sudden "rash" of suicides by emergency services workers, I'm not sure if it's just knowing about these that has gotten me so twisted up inside. I didn't know any of them personally but PTSD was the diagnosis in most of the cases and that is making me feel like I'm even more doomed and desperate to find some kind of solace knowing that I'm not alone in continuing this struggle...that there are people who've made it to some kind of decent life after their career ended.

It's just that for me, I know how hard it has been for the past 6 years fighting with every organization that was set in place to help me - to just help me the right way. My employer refused to work to accommodate me, made half-assed efforts and I had to deal with workers comp and my employer constantly telling me that my paperwork wasn't enough to support requests for accommodation. I was MMR in 2012 for heaven's sake, diagnosed by a comp paid psychiatrist!

I feel like, while trying to heal this PTSD I've also been repeatedly kicked, abused and stigmatized by the very people who were supposed to be helping me ( it's been a bureaucratic nightmare). I can't help but feel that it interfered with my recovery and that if this is the same type of thing those people were enduring, then when will enough be enough for me? I'm scared. Knowing they all threw in the towel just scares the absolute crap out of me.

I'm crying a lot more than usual. I'm just feeling deep, intense turmoil - I have no other words to describe it. I'm fired, now on the outside, no therapeutic support, no job and I can't help but feel that life has essentially ended anyway - I struggle every day to try to find something positive to hold onto and I refuse to contemplate my situation (tied up in appeals) because it makes me jumpy and anxious.

Am I the only one who is struggling to come to terms with feeling abandoned and not wanting to die because of it?

 

[RussH]

@Medic72 Don't give up hope. I am a former medic myself. I worked the streets for nine years, and pretty much saw it all. I too have PTSD, although not related to my EMS, and I too lost my job because of my PTSD. So hang in there, establish some personal goals you can work toward, that give you a purpose, and a hope for the future.

I am genuinely sorry that you lost your job, and your support. I can relate to that very much. at the time when I needed emotional support, as well as the security of a job, my employer fired me after my co-workers triggered me into a major flashback.

First just because other medics have chosen to end their lives not give any indication that you will. We each live our lives and make our own decisions. You don't know what other factors went into their decision.

As for your job; There is life after EMS, and their is life with, or post PTSD. I discovered that I have a real love for cooking, so I am taking culinary classes to become a chef, and by the way, I am 58, so age should not be a factor in you persuing another career.

Have you considered looking for work in the medical field that is not EMS?

For now, find a job that will meet your finanical needs, continue to get better, and decide what you want to do as a career, and start working toward it.

Blessings to you.

 

[shimmerz]

@Medic72. I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time with the system. I am not an EMS worker but have had similar experiences with fighting to get support that I just trusted would be there. I hope that you find this board helpful and kind. Welcome, from one Canadian to another.

 

[greenleaf]

Welcome, @Medic72. Although I'm not in the medical field, I have had the experience of losing someone to suicide, who I thought very similar to myself, years ago. It can definitely be frightening. I don't know if this will help, but you can't control what they did -- you can only live your own life -- and there are many, many people like you who are still fighting to get better. You are not alone!

The unjustness of folks who helped so many others in terrible situations, not receiving support, is just awful. Please accept us telling you that you deserve unconditional support.

One mental "trick" I do sometimes is to try to tell myself what I'd tell another person I'd just met, who was in my situation. It's invariably incredibly supportive, unlike what I reflexively tell myself...

 

[BloomInWinter]

I also find the ones in the states very upsetting. Worse, still, is all my partners who now are suffering with the symptoms of PTSD and getting fired instead of getting the help they deserve.

I'm glad I left the field years ago to pursue a more stable environment. I really wish we had known about PTSD back then.

 

[Friday]

I'm there. A lot.

When I was first diagnosed treatment consisted of one of two choices (that I was aware of, 15-20 years ago)... Keep "them" out in the field as much as possible, or bring "them" up on charges and discharge if you're too expensive to fix. It was known as "breaking yourself".

I was one of the ones who was kept out in the field. It was pure unadulterated relief. Until I broke myself.

I've spent the past 15 years alternatively exploding and hiding it. Furious and ashamed. Most of the time (even now, with the pieces all coming together) I had no idea it was PTSD. I mean, yeah, I was dx'd with it, but it had no meaning for me. Yep. Bad shit happened. Whatever. All this other stuff (bleeding textbook symptomology) was just "me". Most of it I even learned to put to good use. And now I'm broken, again. And needing to put humpty dumpty back together again is just like adding insult to injury. Great. Here we go again. Square one. f*ck f*ck f*ck.

I've only ever been good at 2 things in my life, and first the one felt ripped away from me... And now the second... And I am unbelievably furious about it. And completely helpless to do a damn thing about it. Which makes me even more furious. Helpless & furious, furious & helpless.

So things like these studies come out and I just want to shake people until their teeth rattle. Hello! You effing morons! Connect the narding dots.

The good news, for both of us... Is we don't need em.

We might want those myopic asscovering pencil pushing morons to have clued the eff in while there was still time for us to be taken care of... Want it down to our bones. But need? No. The dead needed them. And look where it got them. Thank every freaking star in the sky that I didn't need them, just wanted them. Because for Us? Fine, we have to break the trail ourselves, and it will be harder, and stupider, and more frustrating, and take longer. But we are not going to need them.

 

[NarcSis]

I really want to walk ahead on my own but right now, what's the point? In a few months I'm only going to get dragged back into this appeal nightmare and destroy that forward progression.

I tried volunteering for an organization twice a month to try to prove that I've been "working" in the interim, but then they wanted more from me, they wanted me once a week and my promises to come in didn't materialize and the pressure built and the next thing I know, I'm receiving notice that I'm fired from my "real time" job and I'm on the floor in my room terrified and crying because I just couldn't find the energy to drag my ass in to a volunteer job that I wasn't making any money from. I stepped back from my volunteer gig to give me time to heal from being fired. I don't know if I'm healing.

I can't find the energy to work on stupid resumes because I haven't had a single reply in the past 3 years, so what makes it any different now that I'm officially fired? I've re-written that resume a hundred different ways trying to cater to people's wants, but I still get no replies. I don't know what I am anymore. I'm tired of hearing the philosophical, "you're what you need to be and job doesn't define you." because the reality is, JOB=MONEY=SURVIVAL.

I'm in an I want to get away from the world phase. I wish I had a cabin to go to or the guts to go out in the wilderness camping on my own - I'd just stay there for a few weeks until my supplies were exhausted. Just me.

I hate my former employer and I wish bad things upon everyone who was involved handling my whole case from the start. I hate that it ended up like this. These organizations were supposed to be put in place to help you but in the end they are just insurance companies and will do whatever they can to get you off of their caseload with no concern for your ongoing health. I want this weight off of my shoulders.

I'm feeling trapped with no way out and I think this is why the suicides are bothering me so much. I've been nothing but shot down by the Big Man ever since the start of this whole treatment/recovery phase. If there's one thing managers have to change in their mindset, it's that out of sight, should never be out of mind when it comes to your people struggling with PTSD. The only things they ever told me were "No" we can't do this, we can't do that for you, we can't, we can't, we can't. These are the rules - the rules don't exactly apply!! Bend them for f**k sakes! I felt unsupported and like I was fighting an uphill battle ever since I left the field to seek treatment.

PTSD still means useless and garbage in their minds even to this day. They don't care about your restrictions, your concerns or trying to work with you to get you back into some kind of job that will benefit you. Nope, they see you as "uncooperative" "highly emotional" and working against their policies.

I'm tired. I want it all to go away. I don't want depression again. I just want some kind of a life after paramedicine, that's all.

 

[Friday]

How do you feel about Medschool?

Course, there would probably be a year of prereqs that aged out, and underwater basket weaving electives to keep financial aid money coming in... But if you're under 60 heading back to school might be a thing to consider.

 

[NarcSis]

Anything medical is a trigger to me now, I tried to just push through it and "deal with it" but it's a constant reminder of that day. I can't even try to recert my CPR without breaking down and being unable to continue. I've tried simulating first aid at home and I start to hyperventilate and cry. I think it's best for me to walk away.

I seem to have a lot of difficulty with things like meeting deadlines and working under any sort of pressure - I fold like a deck of cards at the slightest pressure.

I tried going back to school, I end up taking things more suited to the old me - MA psych courses, project management - things which in the end were not suited to me as I am now. I ended up dropping out of both because I was on the verge of exhausting my extensions and being asked to withdraw anyway - I really can't afford to waste any more money like that.

I don't know who I am still and I can never seem to answer the question, "What do you want?" Other than I want to find a way to get better.

I don't think I'm a caregiver anymore. It's too exhausting. I get fed up looking after this house/husband (thank god we haven't any children). There are periods like now where I just want to be completely alone and I'm angry, and frustrated and depressed.

Right now, I can't see an end. This frightens me. I don't want minute to minute, I want to be able to see a future.

 

[Jonathan Revels]

@Medic72

I feel that you are not the only one "dealing" with this. I have not worked in the field, but I work in an emergency room at a local hospital, so I get to see alot of the patients just like you do. Not that I am comparing myself to you, but I can understand where you are coming from. Every time the hospital has a code come in, I kind of tense up and think if I know who it is. Even though you are going through this, I do not think that you saying "I don't think I'm a caregiver anymore" will help you because you are putting yourself down. I am sure that you are amazing in your field that there is a reason why you were employed as long as you were. One thing that I have learned when your anxiety is high, just step back and breathe. Try to go to your happy place, whether it is the beach or at your favorite bar. That always helps me when I am stressed out or my anxiety is high at work. I know the saying "it gets better with time" doesn't sound like it's true, but it is. You have to rewrite the structure and steps that you take to accomplish the same outcome. I wish the best of luck and don't quit.

Jonathan

 

[NarcSis]

It's been a while, my head is back on a little more securely. Essentially what I did was revert back to logic - if exposure is exacerbating my symptoms, I simply remove the offending stimulus, which roughly translated means that I removed the feed that was exposing me to all of these deaths. I also perform a self-debriefing of the whole issue, after all, the goal of collecting the stats for this organization was to simply have the stats; these are stats that no one has kept in the past, so what they were trying to do was to was to educate the public. Sadly the reality of the offending information is that the organization is a PTSD support organization that I happen to Like/Hate depending on the day and my particular mood.

The death rate due to suicide in First Responders here in Canada has never been recorded. Not all deaths were PTSD related. I also reasoned that the "rash of suicides" could also be due to the media effect - higher rates when media focuses attention on them, especially when this organizations target audience is the First Responder population suffering from PTSD! Dangerous. I controlled my own exposure to it, I no longer know how many have committed suicide, not that I don't care, but because I know what being exposed to this information does to me and so, it's better I protect myself from such negative and depressing stimuli.

This is not to say I'm any "better" than I was overall, I'm just not feeling as trapped or hopeless...although there still are those days that we all get once in a while. It's amazing how a simple thing like eliminating the negative stimuli can really help you change your mood, 6 years and it still fascinates me how quickly I can fall into a hole.

My situation remains unchanged - still no job, no income and awaiting the culmination of appeals which I've been informed may take up to a year or two from now (wonderful). Everything got put on the back burner there for a bit, so have I made any further attempts to seek employment? Hell no, I was a little busy trying to save my own life, I'll not feel guilt over that.

I have days where I hate that I was a paramedic and days where I wish I was still a paramedic to the point where I'm waking up at night after dreaming I was on a call and hyperventilating or freaking out. It's sad, I don't know if that loss is something I will ever get over. In living post career there are some harsh realities that I've had to face and one is that if I'm ever to help people again, it will have to be in a less direct manner, I think working in an administrative capacity might be more suited to this new Me...the Catch-22 that I keep running into is how to get the 2-5 years experience without being able to get a single interview??? (LOL, I applied to cut grass at a local golf course and they wanted me to prove that I had previous employment in grounds maintenance, they weren't happy when I told them I maintained the grounds at my brothers 8 acre rural property - no interview granted.) I just do not know what people want these days, do they prefer people to lie?

I'm not leaving my house because I don't have the money. I'm not "wanting" because husband (paramedic) is still employed and making enough to cover our necessary expenses but I am not happy being a stay at home wife. Financially, we'll survive on his salary, but I'd rather thrive like we used too instead of living in denial of the things we used to enjoy doing (and helped us deal with the stress).

I'm considering doing things to challenge myself that don't cost any further money, for instance, I want to try winter camping this year, sure it will be in my teeny tiny backyard but PTSD-mind tells me it's the safest place to be while ironing out the bugs, right? It's a challenge. It will "build character". It will be an accomplishment to work toward.

Yes, I still cry out of empathy (even watching commercials on TV!), I still lash out and get bouts of frustration and yes, I still get periods of insomnia, nightmares, teeth clenching blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. etc. It's all "just PTSD stuff", pretty much routine for me now and not such a big deal. What I have to do is continue to move forward working on ME. I live in a limited world, limited by me who is being lead by a mind that is working under misinterpretation of the world around it. I have to stretch those limits and allow myself to grow again bit by bit.

Every medic knows this fact - People die every day, in our field there IS a suicide rate, but at this point in my healing journey, I don't need to know what it is, it's always been there lurking beneath the surface of our professions.

 

[shimmerz]

I also reasoned that the "rash of suicides" could also be due to the media effect - higher rates when media focuses attention on them

This is more valid than some might think. Media sensationalism is so very toxic. I am thrilled that you were able to get your head around all of this! They don't call us survivors for nothing!