Bouncing between anxiety vigilance and triggers

[Mallaky]

Sometimes I cannot escape that cycle for days on end. My problem is that everything is a memory, everything is a situation that reminds me as I lived basically "in" a trauma for 20 years. or a better way to say it: My life was a trauma for 20 years.

• The sound of cars - check
• A stair - check
• Dirty dishes - check
• Music - check
• Hunger - check
• Foreign people - check
• Known people - check

And so on all day. Only at night, with nobody around, silence, I feel calm and at ease. Lived like that for 6 years now, tired of that. Feel like I'm going insane.

From anxiety to hypervigilance, sleep (3 nightmares in 3 hours) wake up, super tired, a bit of rage, anxiety, panic, anxiety, calming down into vigilance, sleep time, cannot, afraid of nightmares, sleeping 7am to 2pm, waking up anxious. Sometimes I don't feel anxious for days, but the hypervigilance doesn't stop.

Rarely I have good times, they feel like being awake for the first time in days always, clear thought, clear mind, clear emotion, bless.

Sign, what to do? Wont get medical help for months and months probably.

Sorry for rambling, have no focus at the moment but wanted to write my second post here.

So trying to focus this: what to do when everything is memory and trigger?

 

[Leah123]

Hello. I am so sorry to hear you're struggling with constant triggers and your response to them. I'm in a similar situation lately. I find that grounding techniques help some. For me, those are inhaling certain scents (I'm partial to "Dragon's Blood" which is a type of tree resin) holding on to objects that make me feel safe (my gramma's locket), petting my dog, listening to certain songs, observing my panic reaction instead of trying to fight it (my therapist says that short circuits the response) and some others.

If medical help isn't available, you might consider calling a crisis line counselor to help you through the roughest spots. I've done this a few times over the years, and found some pretty supportive and kind people to talk me through. Posting here is a great idea too, maybe other folks will have more ideas, but also, at least you can know you aren't alone and are actively trying to help yourself.

Sometimes, though, all my grounding and techniques don't deescalate my feelings much, and I have to remember that this too shall pass, sooner or later, that I do have a future beyond the crescendo of my symptoms. I try and make lists of things I look forward to, little ones and big ones, short term and long term, because I can get SO lost in the moment of the panic and trigger that I feel like nothing at all in the whole universe exists or matters except my internal experience, and that's not a comforting place to be.

You sound exhausted and very stressed, I know those feelings- hypervigilance makes me feel tired of the whole world sometimes, but not at all like you're going insane. I hope you take good care of yourself and find something to help you through such a scary time.

 

[Mallaky]

Just now I am trying something like a mantra, so far so good. Have to see in a few days if this really helps or me being better today is just coincidence. Mindfullness Meditation helps alot, yes.

The problem is when I come into that place of "Honey, calm down."

"I dont want to calm down!"

I hope my mantra helps. "Mindfullness"