Dear @
PandaBear12212 my heart is really with you on this one. When I was diagnosed with C-PTSD my wife threw me out and won't let me see or speak with any of our six children. I know too well how much physical pain can manifest from emotional hurt caused by a relationship that is destroyed by this injury.
That was ten months ago and I struggled every day with being unable to sleep due to missing tucking the little ones in at night or being able just to cuddle with my wife of an evening over a glass of wine in front of a good film.
Ten months have now passed and I still have times when I wake and feel the heaviness of heart at not seeing the kids.
When we, as victims of CPTSD are surviving the abuses and trauma's that are done against us there is one common common factor with C-PTSD is the issue of abandonment and the fear of loneliness.
C-PTSD survivors like you and I and many other users on this forum will more often than not retain this issue right through our lives. We need and crave attention and affection to differing degree's, as these were the things that we had to grow up without. In many cases we subconsciously crave attention no matter whether it is the right kind or the wrong kind. We unknowingly think 'any attention is good attention'. We cannot discern right from wrong in many cases and this is not a healthy outlook.
I know for my part that I would act the fool and hunger for friends and lovers alike whether their attentions were healthy or not. I grew up alone and often in a dark place and having the freedom to escape made me feel wanted and maybe even loved.
Most of the circle of friends I had were just there to use me, I know this no as I have watched from the side lines after my diagnosis and can see this trait in so many people.
This guy sounds very much like the kind of friends/partners I have had so many times over the years. He wanted to be there when it felt right for 'him but now he needs to be there when 'you' need him he selfishly abandons and walks away.
These kind of friends/partners/soul-mates are I am sorry to say 'leaches'.
It has taken me a long time to be able to differentiate between these leaches and healthy genuine relationships but I do feel inside now that I can recognise these kinds of people before I let them in and they can damage me any more.
You are certainly not awful or disposable, you are a young woman who has suffered horrible trauma's and abuses in you past. There are people who will pick up on this vulnerability and use it against us until the time comes that they simply get bored of supporting us.
Sufferers or survivors, as I feel we should be called (that's just my feeling as my profile status say's) are all stronger people that these leaches in life as we actually did 'survive' the abusers and we are still here. We are able, even if to start on a relatively anonymous forum such as this able to put our hands up and say "Yes, I was abused and Yes those horrible things Did happen to me". We often in the early times of recovery feel worthless, rejected by life and society but we need to remember that it takes a strong person to come out of an life like we all grew up in. We did not want or deserve to be treated badly and neglectfully by those who should have been loving and protecting us as children.
You are a strong young woman who should feel inner pride that you have survived and can speak out even if only on here for now.
The day will come I am certain that you will see toxic leaches for what they are, people on this planet who's sole purpose is to try and drag us down, back into the mire of life that we dragged ourselves out of.
Stay strong Panda and remember. You are better than them because you are a fighter, if you were not a fighter who wanted to get better and recover from what others did to you when you were defenceless, you would not be here on this forum, or going through therapies that would scare 'normal' people.
We as survivors of C(PTSD) whatever form of this Injury we have are all fighters in our own right and just like a soldier in the front line we are entitled to have bad days when we feel down and dejected at life.
Keep you head up Panda and like the others before me on this thread have so rightly said.
I hope you can learn to depend on yourself so that calmness/safety/happiness doesn't hinge on someone else.
You are worth more. You matter. You have value
In the meantime, treat yourself with all the love you know how. He feels like the answer, but he isn't. You are. He is an illusion.
These quotes are similar in essence to some that were given to me last year when I was in the darkest place I have ever been.
Take heart from what people say on here Panda because we have been where you are and we all understand just how hard times like these can be. We are all here to help and support you whenever you need us, or we are here just to listen to you vent.
Take care and chin up. You are a strong person, don't let people drag you down you are better than those kind of people if you weren't you would be just like them. Using others for your own gains. You are not because you have feelings and are a kind hearted person who gets hurt and feels sad when people and life let you down.
Massive transatlantic cyber :hug;s for you and all you other survivors out there.
Laurie
