General Boyfriend Is Struggling With PTSD - Need Guidance

[cynelena]

FAIR WARNING. This is a LONG post!

I'm very new here. Here because I'm newly involved with and have fallen in love with a vet with PTSD. He shared with me about the 2nd date that he had PTSD and at the time I knew little to nothing about it, but in the past week I've been on this forum soaking up as much information as possible and have learned SO much. Here's some history so that maybe someone can give me some advice.

My boyfriend served two combat tours in Iraq as a Marine (Infantry)...that alone will tell you a lot. He suffers from the usuals, not able to sleep, being on "alert" all the time, jitters, etc. He also has been in therapy for 4 years (he got out of the service in '05), takes meds (one mood stabilizer & something to help him not dream-sorry he hasn't told me names). My boyfriend is the single most attentive and compassionate person that I have EVER met in my 34 yrs of life and I geniually love him and respect what he has overcome and who he has become as a man.

Here's the but...since we haven't known each other very long (3mos), and I'm just getting out of a bad marriage to an alcoholic....do I really need to take this on right now??? I know no one can really answer that for me. I just need some guidance.

I don't see my boyfriend every day, but we speak every day several times a day. He had a VERY bad night last night. He had one "bad" episode a week ago and it so happened that we were out of town for my friends 40th bday and he had forgotten his meds (tried to get local VA to work with his VA to get scripts called in to pick up to no avail) and although I was overwhelmed, somewhat embarrased, and saddened by what happened, we got through it and I told him that I would stand by him and be there for him. (We were at dinner at a very nice restaurant in the presense of two Navy officers and their wives...maybe it was too much pressure meeting those friends for the 1st time, away from home, and all).

Last night's episode has me leery. I have a 5yr old daughter to think of in all of this (they have not met). I got an unexpected text message at 1am (I had to be up in a few hours for work and he's not a middle of the night texter) that read "No one gives a shit". I waited a few minutes, texted him back. Nothing. I waited a few more and called him. Nothing. He then called me back and sounded wasted. He said he wasn't, but that he was back on his meds and having a bad night...is that possible? That he sounded drunk without being drunk because of his meds or PTSD?

I have struggled with my own demons over the years and have overcome a lot to get to my current state of mind. I just don't know if I can (or should) take this on right now. I don't know if he's ready either. I know he loves me. (He tells me a 100 times a day and shows me in every way possible). It's been 1 1/2yrs since his last relationship. He chose to be single for so long...I see that he's getting the help he needs, but it's obvious that he can't be off his meds for any period of time.

My question is: should I give him space, even if he's not asking for it? I don't think he's ready for this. I'm not sure that I am either. Would I be hurting him more to take some time apart. I KNOW 100% that he wants to be with me long term (and I with him), but I just don't know if he's going through this because it's the norm or because of him not taking his meds properly. I asked him that question after last week's episode and he said that this is not the norm for him. I only have his word to go on, but then last night happened.

*I am NOT giving up or quitting this relationship. I just need to figure out the healthiest way to approach it for both of us.
Thank you for reading this very long post. Any advice you can offer is appreciated.

 

[Don]

one day at a time

He had a VERY bad night last night. He had one "bad" episode a week ago and it so happened that we were out of town for my friends 40th bday and he had forgotten his meds (tried to get local VA to work with his VA to get scripts called in to pick up to no avail) and although I was overwhelmed, somewhat embarrased, and saddened by what happened, we got through it and I told him that I would stand by him and be there for him.

hi cynelena,

Well first off, it sounds like you ought to carry a few 'emergency pills' (a weekend's worth?) from his supply in your purse, just so you're able to help avoid any chance of his being caught without proper meds again while you're with him (in effect, that gives you a modest caregiver role, as his 'backup' supplier of essential meds).

Last night's episode has me leery. I have a 5yr old daughter to think of in all of this (they have not met). I got an unexpected text message at 1am (I had to be up in a few hours for work and he's not a middle of the night texter) that read "No one gives a shit". I waited a few minutes, texted him back. Nothing. I waited a few more and called him. Nothing. He then called me back and sounded wasted. He said he wasn't, but that he was back on his meds and having a bad night...is that possible? That he sounded drunk without being drunk because of his meds or PTSD?

("back on his meds"? you mean, he takes them sometimes, and not other times? I'm really wondering just which meds he's on, and if that practice might be a form of abusing them.)

Well, mere sleep deprivation/exhaustion might do it, without any meds or PTSD being involved at all imo. Is your sense of him, that he's depressed / despondent at times? Then night time alone by himself might bring that out at its worst. Does he sleep well usually? If he's had an ongoing sleep problem, he might hold it together during the day but his nights could be pretty raw.

It could also be because of his medications, or how he's taking them. Most mood meds do not mix well at all with alcohol, especially any serious quantity -- is he a teetotaller, or does he drink some while with you? If he's on potent meds, I recommend he stick with non-alcoholic beverages.

... but it's obvious that he can't be off his meds for any period of time.

Something you need to keep in mind. As there may be times in future when he's distracted enough to not look out for himself properly. Is there any chance he's getting the impression that his taking meds is a stigma with you (and so, he's trying to look better by foregoing his meds)? That would be foolish (right?).

I do think (after 1.5 yrs on his own), your presence is a distraction to him (he's probably adapting to it, but this takes time). You might think adding someone to your life is routine but I'd imagine for him, "coping" by himself has been manageable (most of the time). But, tackling adding someone to his life is a challenge (a welcome one, and maybe he's ready, but nonetheless he needs to make 'room' in his life for you and your child). I think you need to give things quite a bit more time and take it slow (but, I disagree with your 'giving him space' for extended periods).

If he'd been by himself with no prospect of seeing you for that out of town event, I think he just might have been more apt to remember to bring his pills along. But if his feelings were not so strong for you, you'd be less of a distraction (so, that aspect's a good thing, right?). Anticipating he's going to be distracted while you two are going together, until he adjusts the solution might be as simple as just being certain he has a 'back up' supply of his present meds.

Don

 

[cynelena]

Thank you Don

Don,

I am absolutely greatful for your input. I think the "backup" meds are a perfect idea. It's a simple solution that could really help!

As for him being "off his meds"...well I haven't been dating him long enough to really know how often he is not taking them properly. I only know that in three months time, this was the first time he showed signs of not being himself and admitting he had not taken his meds. He does have sleep issues, but has been sleeping for longer periods of time when we are together overnight. As for him getting the impression that there is a stigma attached to not taking the meds...not only do I support him taking his meds, I have to take meds (daily and several times a day) and take them very openly in front of him (although mine is for Graves disease and my heart). After our trip I told him that he has to add me to the list of people that care about him and that will be asking him if he has his meds when away from home. He said he understood.

We have been doing extremely well since my post. He very openly talked about the fact that he was not in a good place for a week and was going to "nip it in the bud". He has since gone to see his therapist once and attended a support group meeting. He seems to be back to his old self.

I know that not every day is going to be a good day. I know that not every day is going to be a bad day. But I do know I am ready to take on each day with the knowledge and support that I've gotten from this wonderful forum and I feel good about it.

I know that I do not want to take "time apart" and I'm positive that he does not either. (I wasn't so sure about that before, but I do now). As for the drinking...I'm a social drinker at most. We have not had a drink together since the night of our out of town trip. To be real honest, I know we can do without.

Thank you again for reading and for offering your advice Don!

Cynthia

 

[jesssotelo09]

Glad to see you made your choice..... It is hard and when I first entered my relationship I had kids already too.

It is hard, because you have to make a conscience decision to make PTSD a part of your child's life if you choose to stay with him. It is very hard and trying at times. There are many "embarrassing" moments in our life because PTSD sufferers are not good in social situations.

I've had to let go of many of my friends, family, and social life and gatherings that I liked because of it. Ultimately is a personal choice of love and quality of life you expect.

 

[cynelena]

Jesssotelo-

Thank you for sharing your situation with me. I am sorry to hear that you have had to sacrafice so much. You are right. It does come down to a personal choice. (I hard choice at that) I feel that I am very fortunate that the "bad moments" have been less frequent than the "good moments" so far. If it were the other way around so early in our relationship, I don't know that I could handle it. My boyfriend is by far the most amazing man I have ever met in my life. Knowing that he is taking the measures to heal and manage his PTSD are what give me the confidence that we can make it.

I wish you and your sufferer the best of each day! Hang in there.

 

[malibran]

I was married 14 years to an alcoholic. It was terrible and I loved him very much but in the end the public and private rages and insanity drove me away. I have been divorced now 9 years and it has taken me at least 7 of those years to really get over that marriage. It was hell for me.

I met my BF one year ago. Like you, I can say he is the most remarkable man I have ever met. So many beautiful aspects to his soul---but his PTSD is from Vietnam untreated for 35+ years ! He has been divorced 6 years but only in therapy and on meds for the past 4 years. (he is religious about taking them) He is also in private therapy weekly and goes to 2 Vet Groups a week and does not miss a one.

I could not, absolutely not been able to get into this relationship before I had healed myself up from the damage of that alcoholic marriage. We did not have children (thank heavens).
I myself was in therapy (11 years). 3 years before the split and then 8 more years after that. I was on anti depression meds for 3 years before that divorce and I still take them. I may never go off.

I had been an enabler and had to get my head on straight. Yes when I left him I dated, but it was only after awhile that I was able to trust myself enough to see when I was in an unsatisfactory relationship even in a casual dating sense. I had little sense of what I was looking for in someone..other than a sober, balanced man who was normal and not a narcissist. There were a lot of Frogs!

This took me time and I went through a lot of soul searching and a deep learning process that finally allowed me to develop the where with all to even think that I could be OK with my BF and that I could share his PTSD issues and keep my health. Now I am sure 100% I am up to it.

My BF is very guarded and refuses to put himself into a situation such as you described;
He will not take me out to meet his friends or his family nor will he sleep overnight. He has never allowed me to see this other "Dark Side" and the mood swings of the PTSD in full view. I tell you this because I am not happy with his choice at all. It makes me sad and feeling on the fringe of his life.
I feel left outside. He will not let me see his house nor will he show me photos...he says he will take photos but somehow he never does
You see I know my BF is afraid I will leave him if I see his PTSD in action. The rage and mood swings .
He is protecting me but this will all come crashing down---- it must because a day will come when I will see his life and the PTSD too.

There are 4 points here.

1. I know what I can and can not deal with. I am understanding PTSD from this site but I am strong and above all very centered and have a great life and wonderful career and great friends. You will need a support system. Good you are here on the site, but set some limits for yourself because Alcoholics are a lot like PTSD sufferers in the rages/moods/ withdrawal and blind spots to their behavior.

2. This man is worth it. He is not a liar and he is on the up and up. Do I want to take my marbles and go home because his fears lock him up for now? No, but I will not be shut out for an indefinite period of time. He will have to dare to trust me sooner or later. Your BF seems to me quite brave to let you in so soon. Perhaps because his condition has been dealt with sooner and not later. Also meds now are better than they were helps.

3. I have to walk a fine line not to endlessly camp outside his life and be available when he is free with no thought to my needs. (we talk daily at least once, and meet 2-3 times a week). But I want much more.

I will not put my life on hold to suit anyone ever again. Ask yourself what are your needs? Not are you able to cope, but what are you needing now. Great that you are thinking about your child and the impact it can have upon her. Seems to me if I were in this situation, my having a child who has an alcoholic as a Dad is hard enough for her. Your BF has to see that this is a real issue for you & the child and has to help you with it. And this will help his PTSD also to be involved this way with a childs' feelings.

4. I want a meaningful deep relationship with my BF for life. He does too but is very very wary and tells me he has to go slowly. So he will not let me in as your BF has done.

On this forum I have learned each person has to find their own way to work through their PTSD issues . But in the end, only the sufferer can heal themselves. We can not do it for them or make it safe for them. Maybe we can make is safer but they will have to risk recovery on their own and go through all the inner battles on their own. Be sure you both are always looking at each other and be totally honest with him because without that, no intimacy can thrive. You have lived with a drunk and you understand what I mean.

Love is never easy but if he is worth it he will rise to this. It may help him a lot too.
So good luck and try to stay with him so long as you can be centered, supported and your girl is considered all the time. Else you could have a child with a form of PTSD also later in her life.

Malibran

 

[cynelena]

Malibran

You said a very accurate mouthful;-) Are you secretly my twin?! I think we have both been through so much and come out in a better place because of it. A place of self worth and self preservation. That's a hard place to get to when you've lived with and loved a drunk for so many years.

I've been the eternal Carer for everyone around me for so many years and am FINALLY taking care of me. Before I split with the ex, I started some real soul searching and then started seeing a therapist within days of him moving out. My T and I discussed just last week that if ever there were such a thing as good timing for me to take on a relationship with a PTSD sufferer...this is it.

I am sorry to hear that your BF isn't "letting you in". I'm sure his actions come from a place of him wanting to protect you and fear of losing you. I also understand your feelings of wanting to really be a part of his life (in both good and bad times). I think that's the one thing about PTSD that just pisses me off. I feel that it keeps me from being with the man I love. Uhhhhhhhgggg!

I guess I should be more grateful that my BF does allow me in as much as he does. I'm learning more every day from this forum how hard that can really be for a PTSD Sufferer.

Thank you for sharing so much of your story. I will be watching your posts to see how things are going for you. I think we can all learn from one another, but it is extra comforting to have someone on here that has been through the same things.

I'm sure I will have more to post next week. My daughter is meeting my BF and his daughters this weekend. I'm more excited than anything. He is a great father to his girls and I'm ready to see how he is with my daughter. We're doing attending a block party for kids so that the meeting is nuetral and fun for them. I'm not introducing him as my BF, but as my friend. My daughter already knows his girls by name because they've sent home a few toys for her that they they've outgrown. So actually, she's meeting her new little friends and their dad:wink:. Wish us luck!

Take care Malibran.

 

[malibran]

Dear Cynelena,

You sound much more upbeat . Good for you. Yes we seem to have traveled a very similar road you and I.

I think it is hard sometimes to stay optimistic but it is best if we can do that. Not kidding ourselves things are good when they are not. Not that. But just keeping in mind that if we can quiet down inside ourselves we find a better way. Foaming at the mouth and being all twisted up gets me no place .

It is that staying quiet within and not getting all worked up that tests our maturity and makes us grow. I hope this weekend was great and that the kids had a good time with each other.

Best wishes to you,
Malibran

 

[cynelena]

Malibran-

All went well this past weekend! I'm going to start a new thread because there are a few other things I want to throw out there.

Thank you for being so supportive. I hope all is going better with you and your BF this week. I have to say that I am honestly concerned about his inability to share nothing with you. I very clearly understand that it's difficult for PTSD sufferers to talk about what they have been though and how they are suffering, but the fact that he won't share anything else...you are in my thoughts and prayers. I believe I saw that someone else said this already, but you have to take the PTSD factor out of the equation and just examine the relationship part of things.

You deserve to be happy and to have a healthy relationship. Sharing and honesty are key parts of any relationship and I think your BF is not giving you either right now. I really do hope that changes because I know that you love him. Unfortunately, love is not enough sometimes. Keep you head up!

Wishing you well,

Cynthia