Boyfriend Struggling With (ex)girlfriend's Ptsd

[amethist]

Hi

It is hard for sufferers to keep a relationship going, no matter how patient you are, or how much space you give them.

Have you read the Stress cup article, it may help you see how much easier it can be for them to keep on a level when they do not have to think about how another person is feeling. When they are finding it so hard just to keep themselves on a level.

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL]

Even long time marriages fail when PTSD gets added into the mix. They could have had everything they ever wanted, throw this in and it can all be gone in a very short time. Not necessary their fault, just how it all crumbles because of PTSD.

Those who do manage to keep it together and be able to get back some of what they have lost is no easy task. Six months together is a short time compared to some, so if you can keep it going, you will have to learn very quickly to have the Patience of a Saint as well as probably growing the skin of a Rhino. May sound daft, but it's true, as well has riding this crazy Roller Coaster for the rest of your life.

Remember to do your own thing and not to let go of things that are important to you, away from all things PTSD. this is important for your own sanity.

Amethist

 

[OKRADLAK]

Hi Jonathan.

You are kind to care about her. It is hard, I know. When she gets that way, if you feel it, tell her that you care and offer to help her with practical things if she needs it. I can tell you I had one partner that- more than ANYONE- was able to handle the PTSD. It did not phase that person at all. What they did was-

1. Offered to find the pain and do something to make it better. MInd you, this was with my help, me not just throwing it all on him. He was not forceful but insistent in a way that got me to accept his help. This lead to a season of endless holding and intimacy with no sex, gently pulling things out of my hands that were not helping (food, alcohol, TV remote when dazed and not listening, etc) and pulling me out of the house.

This was NOT done with disrespect. Not yanking me, but saying like, "I am here to help you because I LOVE YOU. Please let me help you!" When I said leave me alone, I meant it, but he would then do things like leave a flower on my porch or show me I was still on his mind. If I had asked him to stop that, he would have. He was NOT a stalker. I felt in control.

Well, I trusted him and he did end up cheating and destroying what sense of trust I will ever have and no, I have not been with anyone since him. After all I had been through that was a terror. So if you DO THIS, make sure that you mean it. It gets hard later on when you are no longer infatuated. You will look around and think," why did I choose a broken girl? " Well, you might. It does happen.

And this man was also into God and felt called to me, too, so just be sure you will not do her any further damage.

I wish you both success!!!!

 

[The Albatross]

So...I mean, it's tough to adjust in this scenario.

With a mom with bipolar you know, potentially what you are signing up for. My husband did not. Though I tried to warn him off, he just kept coming back. He is my husband of 20 years and sometimes more vested in me, that I am. I just went back to therapy. My last traumatic break occured because my husband could not walk what he "professed". My AA sponsor urged me to leave. I took a vow. Two vows in my church. What I get is my sponsor's voice asking you, "what is you're pay off?" Why do you feel the need to be involved with a person who is not in treatment? What are you getting? There is always a benefit.

I have to pause and ask myself this often with my own spouse. It is not easy. Sometimes I don't like what I see except for an "opportunity". I have "an opportunity" to defeat the way I was hardwired and be a better, more ethical person. That is my pay off. To be more than the sum of my parts.

Only you can answer, why you may be choosing to invest yourself in a potential relationship that will cause you pain. I don't (still) know why my own spouse chose me as a partner to "work through, let alone take on my own psychic mess". He is doing so to rewrite/replay a desired outcome. I know that. He loves me, of that I have absolutely know doubt. But my radar is saying, "All self actualize, what's in it for you. Why do you want to participate here."

Please self examine. I guess that's all I'm saying... explore your motive and intent. Cuz life ain't like fairytales bro'.

 

[The Albatross]

Not to knock hardship... pain is a hell of a motivator. Just please explore what the attraction here is for you. Break it down and see what your own true motives are here?

 

[The Albatross]

Sorry the8track, I guess I'm coming at it from a suffer's perspective. I got a rule... which isn't absolute, but I try, "do no harm".

 

[the8track]

I know who she is. Who she is, is a companion like none other. Who she's being right now is this bizarre fragile mess. But love is patient and isn't self-centered an I can weed through occasional crap because I believe in the greater her. Unconditional love, from what it seems, is so impossible for PTSD sufferers because of their self-hatred. To be someone in her life that speaks to and loves her for who she is behind all of that mess of trauma, that's a great feeling.

Even though my dad takes care of my mom through thick and thin, I surely didn't go looking for a basket case. Who she's been for the last six months has been amazing up until the last week. I can easily look past the stress and craziness and the conversation we had Sunday (where she apologized for it all, said she still loves me, and asked me to be patient when she takes hatred out on me) confirms it.

She's also on Acutane, just turned 18, and graduates in 3 weeks. I mean, shewt.

I had a couple cool moments yesterday. I was walking a couple miles down the road from an auto-mechanic to where my spare car was located at. Somehow I guess she was in the area and saw me and picked me up and dropped me off. She had some bloody scratches on her face and started to cry a little bit. I was just cordial and kind. Hasn't talked to me since then, but still...I suppose it's just more confirmation that all this "you frustrate me", "I need space" stuff is just temporary.

I also happened to stay at a friend's house out of town last night and they started telling me about this regressive therapy thing called "Theophostic". It's like the regressive therapy only targeted with also applying scripture to it. Not just facing the fear but addressing the fear with the love of God. Who knows, I'll have to look into it more.

Anyway, scared about how to deal with no being a "doormat" in the future. But feeling good about things for the most part.

 

[OKRADLAK]

The8Track-

You are being very patient and I hope she appreciates it. I am sure she does. :-)

Yes, I have heard of that therapy and if she is a person of faith, it may help. I hope it does.

You said that you know who she IS.....You may not......be aware that, if she has PTSD, then who she IS may be the person you and her are struggling to like right now. You have to be prepared for the event that she is changed. In some cases, PTSD can change us and that is what is so hard.

It is not that we are who we were but just "going through a hard time." We are a new person who is altered, out of control, disconnected. When she needs space, she may be ashamed and simply cannot keep pretending she is the nice girl you want her to be and she wants to be.

Many helpers do not get this. You have to be prepared to accept her and to understand that how she is ON A BAD DAY may be who she really is. It does not mean she cannot change or become the wonderful person you both want, but she may be trying to hide a monster.

I know I became one. I cannot speak for everyone, and maybe someone on here will have a different take. But if you see her at her worst and can say, "This person I love-----I love you now and we can work through this...."

But it may be more than you can take. PTSD at its worst is like a demonic hurricane with flying pieces of glass set to wound and slice through anything or anyone. Maybe she is not that bad, however, be prepared, PTSD can be worse than the silly little TV shows.

 

[the8track]

Is there anything telling about her not being this way toward others right now?

The way I see it is this: I know this is what I should do. I know this is what I want to do. And, if she wants to completely cut me out of her life, I'll go out in style. I'm going to be the one that she can look back on and go, "He believed I was worth something", you know?

Her graduation is May 19. Her mom, who has kind of stuck close to me with all this (and a little bit whacky in how she deals with the PTSD) insists that I come. If I do and she hasn't contacted me and resolved this by then, I'm thinking of just giving her a card with a little note (you know, congratulations on finishing school. i'm here for you unconitionally) in it and a little gift card at the graduation. Is that fair? I'm assuming that will be such a non-stressful day (kinda like Easter sunday was) and so she'll be more receptive.

Sorry for the 20 questions, guys. This forum has been a HUGE help with how I grieve this one out.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Is she on this forum? Maybe she does not know why she is acting the way she is. She may be confused. Maybe she could find helpful answers here?

 

[the8track]

My girlfriend or her mom?

 

[OKRADLAK]

8Track-

Your GF