Relationship Boyfriend With Combat PTSD Is On The Verge Of Suicide

[localmisfit]

Hello everyone.

I apologize that this is a long post.
I am here because I am at a loss at what to do. I currently live with my boyfriend of six years who has been suffering from PTSD ever since he came back from his deployment to Iraq, about five years ago. He has many of the classic PTSD symptoms much like the ones I've read on this site: alcoholism, lack of empathy, avoiding loved ones, unwilling to discuss his problems, avoids stresses/responsibilities, & prone to extreme anger.

Our relationship has it's up and downs, I try my best not to beat myself up when he goes off on me or when he disappears for days. The days when he is in a good mood, he is incredibly caring and affectionate.

The last few months though, have been extremely rough on me. He has made all new friends who, in my opinion, are alcoholics and have a "frat-boy" mentality (I.E. eat, sleep, drink, party). Since then he drinks himself to oblivion almost every night. He has plummeted to an all time low, and I never see him in a good mood anymore. Before he at least made an effort to go to therapy sessions at the VA, take his medication, limit his drinking, have a somewhat regular sleeping pattern, and was more active. Now he has become a shell, has completely shut me out of his life, and when I try to talk to him (about anything really), he will snap at me to shut up. The second I tell him to stop drinking, he goes into a rage.

He is extremely suicidal now. There's been two incidents where he attempted. One night he came home extremely drunk and began blaming me for everything wrong going on his life. Then he opened a window and actually stepped onto the ledge. We live in an apartment on the 4th floor. I was so terrified he was going to slip. I had to beg him for hours until he finally agreed to come back inside.
He was extremely drunk for the other incident too. He was ranting how horrible a person I was, while I stood there silently (which is what I usually do). Then he went to the kitchen, grabbed a kitchen knife and began threaten to slice his throat. He had it pressed up against his throat and I began to see blood. I instinctively lunged towards the knife, in fear that he was actually going to do it. I struggled with him to get the knife out of his, there was so much adrenaline going through me, I didn't realize all the cuts I received.
When I finally got the knife away from him, then seeing myself covered with his and my blood, I had a panic attack. He immediately snapped out of it, apologized profusely, and began crying. He never cries.

He sometimes threatens to kill me when he goes off into his rants. Should I take these threats seriously? He will block the door by moving furniture, and start destroying my personal belongings, never his. He always goes for my "prized" possessions (that's what he calls them), he's destroyed my favorite clothing, my laptop, vinyl records, sentimental objects, etc.

All I want is for him to be happy, but this relationship has definitely taken a toll on me. I have tried to break up with him, but he begs me to stay, saying that I am the person that understands his demons the best (but not 100%) and without me, he has nothing to live for. It breaks my heart, I don't know what I will do if I do break up with him and he does kill himself. He refuses to get treatment. He hates therapist, he has tried group & one-on-one therapy and gone on the camping trips arranged by the VA, they have not helped. He doesn't trust the VA. I think mainly because one of his friends got seduced by his much older therapist (she offered to pay for his car in exchange for sex, can you believe this??) and got her pregnant.

I don't know if I understand anything anymore. I don't know if staying in this relationship, I am helping him or hindering him.

 

[Nishkaa]

Hi localmisfit (love that name by the way!),

I am really glad you found this site because there is also a "carer section" filled with people experiencing or having experienced similar difficulties among a loved one with combat ptsd/addictions, etc.

To be blunt, it sounds like you've been going through extreme hell. And you shouldn't have to be going through all this alone-- so I'm really glad you have reached out for some help.

I'm not military, so I have some limited perspective here. If you are on base, and your husband is acting out with suicide-- I think I'd go ahead and call the Military Police and have them take him to the hospital for an assessment. If you are not on base, you can also phone the police. You have power as a spouse and there are Mental Health laws you can use to protect yourself and get your husband admitted to care, even involuntary .

I'd also reach out to a woman's domestic violence hotline, as you can describe the situation and they can take you step-by-step on some actions you can take to keep yourself safe and get help for your husband. This is also a good option if you don't feel comfortable accessing the VA for support. The others here with military family experience though will know a lot more about the ins and outs, and being able to have more clearer practical suggestions to help you. You do have some choices and options to help lift some of this extreme stress you've been going through.

Yeah, there always are creepy helpers out there-- I've met them in a non-military capacity-- you keep your guard up and if they cross the line, you report them to their professional body, to the VA, etc. No one should have to put up with that type of abuse and exploitation in therapy. Grr that makes me really angry to hear that.

PTSD wounded or not, a sufferer does have the responsibility to get help for themselves and in the interest of making things less stressful on loved ones.

I'm really glad you came here. I feel for you, because I was a child who grew up in a situation where my dad, was too selfish through his drinking to get help, and he pulled the whole family through this hell. Don't deal with this alone, reach out for help. Let the others here also help you out, as they may have more practical and insightful advice than me atm, about how to get help. We went through years of hell, and my dad succeed in killing himself, regardless of the fact that we stayed. It was up to him to get help, but he was too selfish to see that he was hurting us too. Combat ptsd, is not an excuse, as far as I'm concerned-- it's bold of me to say so, isn't it? In my family we then also developed PTSD, and I am permently damaged as well by PTSD. It's a mental health issue also for you, so it's important to get help and not deal with this alone. Your health and well-being is just as important, so don't be guilted or manipulated into not thinking so.

It sounds like you need to also do some emergency planning for when this comes up again, step-by-step plan what to do to keep yourself safe also. It sounds to me that there's not only a significant suicidal risk going on for him, but even with some of the violence, you could also be at risk, so you need to be prepared to protect yourself, have an escape plan, learn from the people who specialize in domestic abuse, which to me it appears this is exactly what you are going through

Thank you for coming here, and taking an active step to not have to handle this alone. You are a very strong woman for coming forward, and I respect this a lot!

Respectfully,
~Nishkaa

 

[Nishkaa]

P.S.

I see that you are currently in a crisis situation, that is dangerous, as indicated by your husband's suicide attempts. You might need to take some immediate steps, talk to a crisis line even to help think these things through and come up with a safety plan that keeps you safe first, and to get some response and help for your husband (which can be done with or without his consent even, but talk through those options with crisis counsellor).

 

[Nishkaa]

I maybe jumping the gun here, I'm worried about your current safety.

Are you living with your boyfriend at the moment?

 

[Dot Warner]

Hi localmisfit,

Your husband remind me an ex boyfriend I had. He used to pretend to intent suicide and he used to despise me many and many times, just like your man does with you.

Your man needs help, professional help, and that's not your role. Even if he loves you (I don't know) and you loves him, you two can't have a relationship now, because his mental state is extremly seriuos and you are not lucid either. Maybe you will be able to stay togheter in a future, but not now. You are not lucid because you have been living with him in this situation for a lot of time and this is the proof that you need some kind of help too.

So, girl, I suggest you to call things with their names. For example, when he hurted you with a knife, that is called aggression, and you had to denounce him and fly away from that house, going to live in another place. Forgive me that I am so hard, but you need to act now, before it is too late.

So, fist of all I suggest you to find another accomodation, without letting him know, because he would get angry about that. Second, I don't know the laws where you live, but I would oblige him by law to live in a centre where he could recive the professional help he needs. Third, if I were you I'd ask for help and support to all the friends and relatives, to stay by my side and, eventually, to a therapist.

Do intent not to stay alone. If you don't have many friend, you could ask some association to help you.

Cheer up girl!

 

[intothelight]

My advice would be to "GET OUT NOW"!

This is not just PTSD and you are in danger. The threats, destruction of personal property, attacks, etc. are DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. You need to leave as this is not a safe situation and do NOT return.

ITL

 

[cherryblossom]

It breaks my heart, I don't know what I will do if I do break up with him and he does kill himself.

Your boyfriend is responsible for himself and will make his own choices. You could equally argue "What if I stay and he kills himself."

It sounds like you are in a very volatile situation, and you need to look after yourself first. PTSD is not an excuse for bad behaviour, violent behaviour, or emotional blackmail. Please stay safe.

 

[Nishkaa]

Just adding a couple of more thoughts.

I would suggest that if it is the case that you are living with your boyfriend, that you do contact a domestic abuse crisis line. I say this because I am concerned about your safety. Make sure you have a safe place when you call, when you are unlikely to have interruption.

We are here of course for the long-run and to help support you with dealing with your boyfriend, you can count on that. I'd just want to make sure that you are safe right now.

Domestic abuse crisis line can be helpful in answering some important questions about your safety and help you as well to plan for emergencies.

Thanks for coming here-- you are not alone.

 

[seraphimfelldown]

Okay, my response is the same as the others, you need to either leave or create a safety plan. Do not stay with him because of him saying he'll kill himself without you. He wont. He is responsible for his actions, which appear dangerous and threatening. You are responsible for your actions and your safety. In my experience (as a relationship counsellor [funny ain't it the therapist with PTSD]) you need to make yourself safe. My opinion is that you should leave him, as from your description its your safety in trouble, not his.

Take care of yourself.
Sera

 

[Lonewolf87]

I will keep it simple......

GET OUT NOW!

Now is not the time to worry about him...worry about you and your safety because we all don't want anything bad happening to you. Stay at a friend's house, a family member's house etc. Act now. This isn't just a PTSD issue, it's a DV issue.

Please keep us posted!!

 

[stephenclaude]

Love Your Self

Hi! I am Stephen. I am new to this forum but I had read lots about same issue with you.

I don't really know what kind of a man is your boyfriend. Before I give my advice, I had to ask you a question. How much you love your boyfriend? If you love him more than your life then, go with him but be careful. If he has really diagnose to have a PTSD and if you'd like to help him you have to ask help from his parents or close relatives. But I tell you living with person who has a PTSD is very difficult. But for me, I think you have to love your self.

Keep safe.

 

[Mark Dust]

I agree with the previous posts. You aren't going to be of any help to him if he ends up killing you. With PTSD, the long term ramifications of immediate actions are not processed by the neocortex, the region of the brain that controls logic and thinking. All he is able to think about is the short term results of his actions. This partly explains why he broke down and cried after the attempt at slashing his throat and the ensuing struggle with the knife. Once the struggle was over, his neocortex came back online and he was able to realize the long term consequences of his actions. More than likely the sensations were so overwhelming that he didn't cognitively process any of it, but his subconscious did and the resulting action was crying. This explanation is by no means an excuse for his behavior. He needs professional help and there are lots of therapists outside of the VA who have a special interest in Veterans with PTSD and usually have a sliding fee scale or provide significant discounts for the sessions. I am also a combat PTSD sufferer and have found great relief from a practioner of Somatic Experiencing therapy. Peter Levine is the founder of this type of therapy and his website has a link to search for therapists in your area who are trained in Somatic Experiencing. traumahealing.com is his website.