Brain Washing

[UnKnown-Self]

Deserving or needing ... there was no thought or concern about if I needed anything except in terms of "what you need is a swift kick in the ass" the most used line was "want in one hand and shit in the other, see which you get the fastest."
There was no giving for the children, if we got anything it was to feed the ego of the adults and used as a weapon to show how ungrateful and so undeserving we were. We weren't allowed to have an opinion without a slap in the mouth and told when we want your opinion we'll ask for it. Any attempt of individuality was ridiculed and cruelly by not only parents but siblings too. There was no picky eating... Eat it and like it and any balking guaranteed your face would get pushed in the plate and still had to eat it it. Any suggestion of gagging met with the promise if you bring it up you will still eat it... None of us tested that threat. So I learned nothing about me mattered and it was dangerous to think otherwise.

 

[Ronin]

don't know if anyone can relate or if it makes any sense at all.

It does :)
Ditto to relating, as I noticed the thread didn't suddenly become vacant, people are still at vivid discussing. ;)

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I think when she handed me the papers on "do you have these negative outlooks' and another on positive replacement suggestion..., I was just so damned predictable

I actually laughed and told her I was wondering when I would get this.
I don't know if there is something regulation wise that certain bases have to be covered first but I just keep hoping I find someone who doesn't take the same worn path because I have tried and going down this road does not help me.
Saying I need to work on my "self" esteem is kind of patronizing. Which self shall we start with hmmm?
Maybe I should just be flat out honest and say that.
It's like seeing someone hey hit in the head with a cast iron frying pan and offering them an aspirin.
Yes I think my body is ugly I'm overweight and f*cking 57 years old. I have been through hell the past two years and this past year has been hell on steroids so yes I think my face is ugly too. Yes I am defective, terrible, insignificant,. Yes I am stupid but not a f*cking idiot. Yes I am different, that is not a negative cognition, it is a fact. I do not trust myself so of course I don't trust others and thoughts of not feeling safe or in danger can change in a split second. That I am not in control is a fact and you do not want to be around me when I feel trapped because then I am not "me"
The list of affirmations to the assembly I share space with is like a skit from SNL

I am a naturally popular individual and exude warmth to others... Are we in some f*cking alternate reality?

I am a naturally lucky person, good luck seeks me out... Oh yeah my life absolutely backs that up ... Or is that another way of saying I brought every bad thing on myself

I have no fear of failure, yeah I do in fact fear and I are buddies, I know that my fear, my hyper vigilance kept me safer then if I was to stupid to be afraid.

I am always relaxed and assured in everything I do... Maybe with a pint of ice cream I am relaxed and assuredly will finish the pint in one sitting

Oh this one is a favorite: All false images of myself are now dissolved. Now what the f*ck does that mean? This for me is very invalidating to my parts. They are not bug bites and if I stop scratching they will go away. They are important and essential to my healing.

I have a solid sense of who I am

I have a solid sense of self identify

I get it it. Positive visualization... See yourself hitting that home run, see yourself winning... I have read enough friggin
Tony Robins ... Zag Zigler, Dale Carnegie and Steven Covey and so many others. I Have read and tried to embrace Maryanne Williamson, Don Miguel Ruiz, Ekhart Tolle, Jack Cornfield, and the Dalai Lama. There are too many to mention. I have tried and tried. This cannot be thought away like some sects who never take their child to a doctor because if faith doesn't heal them then they should die.

This makes about the same kind of sense to me. I am so tired of going from therapist to therapist like some mental hypochondriac.

How about I deserve to be heard and believed ...why isn't that on the list?

 

[Ronin]

I was just so damned predictable

If it helps any, most people are.
Those that are unpredictable are just as predictable, using different logic, going by what they /are/ predictable in, even if doesn't meet the lair of the usual population sample.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I keep hoping to find someone with more gumption then to stick with the book. Someone who wants to learn too and is not so predictably textbook from psych 101

 

[Sideways]

That was one of the most eloquent and well-said rants I've ever come across! Yes yes yes - enough with their stupid friggin questions!

I get questionnaires like those and feel like just skipping to the bottom and writing "All of the responses that suggest I need therapy, that's me":banghead:

 

[UnKnown-Self]

It's like they expect this big ahhhh I get it moment. I get it, I really do. There is so much I am grateful for. In many aspects I am very fortunate, I am high functioning. I am working, supporting myself and considering everything I've been through I am a f*cking success story. Which is what I told the federal agent who did my background check knowing I never had my arrest expunged. Okay I didn't say f*cking but I did say the rest because I knew I deserved that job and would do nothing to jeopardize it. I passed the background check for management.

I am working on getting my home environment to express me and keep it nice and neat.

I work on this forum and try to help me and others. Now that might not be a support system as far as the professionals are concerned but for me it's huge. I can participate in and bring up topics that are significant to me.
Making friends in a knitting club would be fine if we could take a moment once in a while to appreciate what great weapons knitting needles would be. That of course wiould get some strange looks. I don't fit in because I am different I will always be different. My traumas have changed not only my brain but my cells. I process and learn differently. I have different needs to stay productive on the work place.
I cannot fit into a mold and I will not keep trying different pill combinations until I am acceptable.
I am creative and self sufficient and funny ( to some, crude to others)
I am driven to learn and grow .

I also have parts who influence my mood, thoughts and decision making. I have children who are holding on to traumas and they deserve to be released of that burden. Telling myself I love me just as I am won't cut it. I have a responsibility to those children and until I meet that obligation I will not be the me I was born to be.

 

[Sideways]

If anyone ever was intentionally trying to brainwash you, they did a really crap job of it, because that was amazing.

I know what's wrong with me and the damage it's done. I know what makes me a great human being. And I know what I need to fix... Wow!

You're absolutely right - you are a f***ing success story. And while I'm sure you won't, I'm just gonna say - don't ever (ever) let anyone try and convince you otherwise.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Some are loved and some are unlovable. I believe I'm in the latter category.

This is the 4th or 5th time I read your post. I knew I was going to reply @joeylittle I first had to get past the ache in reading it. All children are born needing and deserving love and you are certainly no exception.
What does happen for some unknown reason is many of us are born to damaged individuals who are incapable of loving or nurturing. They are so damaged, they get some kind of satisfaction out of damaging. I think perhaps they are stuck in that angry abused child mode except now they have the power and they inflict the damage on those who are now powerless. It has nothing to do with you or me or anyone else who had that hate vented in their direction. It's all the things our abusers wanted to do to those who abused them when they were powerless. All that hate and anger lashed out in our direction because at the end of the day they are still powerless against their abusers and they are too cowardly to say "You did this to me and I want nothing to do with you. Because they are such cowards they can't imagine wanting better for their own. They are too filled with hate for whoever and themselves and so they hate us too. We become their outlet so they passed the damage on and then some.
NEVER was it about you me or any other child. We were not significant enough in their narrow hate filled lives. Today we own our power if we choose and our significance. Maybe just a flash of a second at first. We have to work for it probably for the rest of our lives but we can choose to do the work and survive long enough to be warriors that help others. Or we can be pussies like the assholes of our past.
I know Warrior is written all over you.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I know what's wrong with me and the damage it's done. I know what makes me a great human being. And I know what I need to fix... Wow!

@Ragdoll Circus
See how easily you broke that down and picked out major points I was unaware I was even making. WOW! Right back at you. That takes smarts and insight. It also takes recognition. You don't recognize what you don't have yourself. Go for it!

There are so many on this forum who support me and others with their compassion and insight. I am grateful to you.

I don't know how long the warrior will be out with me before I start kicking my ass again but it's out now and if Smug, who is my major ass kicker stops by for a visit, I know the warrior will just be resting for a while and be back.
There are so many warriors here on this forum, resting building strength, just keep doing the work. Keep educating yourselves. Not just by books and paper others wrote but by what you have learned through surviving. That's what the writing is all about.