Breakdown

[monica.]

i've lived in fear my whole life, ever since i was a young child. living in fear of the most terrifying person i have met in my life; my dad. i was living at home with my family for 21 years. i only just moved away about 2 years ago.

the first 21 years of my life have been nothing but physical and mental abuse at the hands of my dad and when it wasn't by him it was at school every day by the bullies. my dad used to beat me and shout and scream at me ever since i was of a very young age, the abuse never stopped. after the beatings my mum would make me apologise to him every time "i'm sorry for making you angry daddy. i promise i won't ever do it again. i'm so sorry daddy." but no matter how many times i said i was sorry it never stopped. when i was 14 i started cutting myself all over to try and escape, i was trapped at home when i wasn't at school. i was so angry and hateful, how could i let this ****ing go on! why was it happening?? why didn't anyone do anything?? or notice that anything was wrong?? or am i being paranoid, is this normal!?

i started drinking and smoking shortly after and started bunking off school to get wasted. when i was 17 my mum made me go to the doctors. she had seen my arms. the doctor asked why i did it and i told him the truth about my dad. he said he can call the police right there and he'll be arrested. my mum broke down in tears and said i wasn't allowed to do that. so the doctor just gave me anti depressants. i went home and swallowed them all.

my dad got ever more controlling over my life as i grew older. i was never allowed to see friends or have fun. let alone a boyfriend. i met my first boyfriend when i was 18, when my dad found out he got even more angry towards me and even more strict and controlling. when i was 21 i moved out and just suppressed all of the memories and tried to move on with my life. i started drinking more heavily and smoking weed everyday to try and forget all the memories and nightmares i've been having the whole of my life. in august 2009 i was raped, i've been in denial and shock ever since it happened and only just told my boyfriend about it a few weeks ago after a series of really bad panic attacks where i feel as in i'm in a threatening situation and i just feel very intense fear for my life, fear that i will be dying right now in that moment! its gotten worse and worse now, i finally went to the doctors to register yesterday and told them i think i have post traumatic stress disorder and they've booked me in with a gp tomorrow morning. this just feels so long away, i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't function, i can't concentrate, i don't remember what it is to be able to function i just stay in bed all day crying my eyes out avoiding the world, friends, family. this post has been really hard for me i don't trust anyone. i just don't know what to do i feel dead already every day, i have no feeling apart from this overwhelming sadness and lack of energy to do anything.

 

[TLight]

I have been where you are at right now for a majority of my life. PTSD and CPTSD, left untreated, is (I think) practically unsurvivable.

Our historys sound very similiar, almost to a T. You have survived.........you are at a turning point right now.

Seek help with all the energy you have left. Don't give up..........you are too worth it.

You survived all of that for a reason. Put one foot in front of the other...........tell people how you are suffering. Get the help you need..........and, unfortunately, it does get worse before it gets better.........but at least you know you are moving in the right direction.

My prayers are with you.

 

[Artista]

I feel your pain and loss. I do believe you will persevere. Acknowledging this is part of it and feeling how you feel is too. We have a right to feel the sense of overwhelming sadness and owe ourselves that time to get through it. I do believe everyone in life does the best they can at the moment. I have often berated myself for not feeling stronger, but what am I expecting of me? Healing and knowing how to care for ourselves is life long and takes a little delving into the good stuff bout us as well... something we have sometimes been taught to barely notice!

I have always believed, the trust in myself is what was most robbed through this!! To be told again and again, especially in formative years what WE do is wrong and not to be valued is difficult. It is our path to value who we are and work from there. Do seek proper help and value your life for the gift it is to you. As you talk it out more and more, it becomes a bit calloused and maybe even clearer how to heal a step at a time.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Clarity]

Hi Monica:

Thank you for sharing your story. Ours are similar, so it helped me to read it. I really feel how frightening and overwhelming those experiences have been for you. I also see how much courage and strength you have since you made it through that. I am so glad that you are reaching out for help, here and with a gp. You deserve to feel better and you will! I know that surviving day to day feels like running marathon after marathon with no rest ever. But you are worth it. You are so worth it that strangers on the internet can see it! All those lies your parents told you about it being your fault were just the manifestations of their brokeness - not yours.

You are in my thoughts.

 

[Monarch]

just take it slow, I know I was all about getting it out thinking that once I got it out I could move on. It lives inside you though and getting it out means you are breaking to rules of "not telling" so you may actually feel worse. Not good but normal, just go slow and don't push yourself but know that you can heal over time.

 

[monica.]

TLight - Thank you for your kindness, the most precious gift I have gained from this and the breakdown is that we deserve to live! we have the right to live and be happy, we shouldnt be guilty for our feelings anymore, it feels so good to talk for the first time and release this burden thank you for listening and sharing, wishing you all the best!! xxxx

Artista - I am still feeling overwhelming sadness and guilt.. My dad has had anger problems before I was born, he was abusive from day one and my sister was born (2 years younger) but whilst my mother was carrying her he was mentally abusing her (which he still does to this day) my sister was born mentally disabled!! I used to look at her everyday and feel so guilty for her not being able to live the life she deserves, she is the most strongest joyous truely beautiful amazing person to me, she has always been there in my life and i have loved her like a mother but when i moved away i can't see her anymore. my father has crippled the self confidence of my younger sister who just turned 19, i know she is depressed. the only one who is happy is my brother. he is the youngest but his childhood was and is 'normal' he idolises my dad which scares me... he mentally abuses my mother too... Yes, I totally agree with you, we have been robbed of our ability to trust, to be programmed with the "what if.." Thank you for your wishes and your advice take care xxxx

Clarity - Thank you so much for your kind words, you will all never know how much I appreciate and value you!! To finally be able to move on with the help and support of you xxx

Monarch - Breaking the rules of "not telling" yes this is what I am conflicted with right now.. Sometimes I get so scared my dad has placed the people who I've met since I moved away in my life there to spy on me so he can just ruin the happiness I am enjoying... ahhhh xxxxx

 

[monica.]

My dad has narcissistic personality disorder and he hates women THIS IS HIS LIFE THIS IS HIM!! THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WITH THIS MANIAC!!!!

: http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissistshatewomen.html

What should I do! my mother has been depressed and married with him for 25 years my sister is 19 and hates herself like I did, my poor poor beautiful soldier, most courageous person I have met; my sister!! (mentally 'handicap' because of stress he caused to my mother). And my brother who is 15 but hasn't had the abuse like we have. My dad loves him like a father should love their child..

I want nothing but to rescue these angels from the hell of their life.

Please someone help me xxxxx

 

[taogotaz]

Your honesty is very disarming and to your credit. Believe that you are better than anyone's treatment of you, or opinion of you. We all have the right to self define and embrace the truth of our lives in a healing way. You are doing this and I am inspired by your courage.

 

[evolved]

You were so brave to tell the doctor the truth about your dad and I'm sorry your mother didn't let the police take him. You are valueable. You are important. Please hang in there.