Hello I am so glad I found this website and I am so grateful for all of you who have shared your personal stories and experiences with this community. I read a ton of post’s over the weekend which has helped me a lot. I feel like this site has been very therapeutic for me. Unfortunately I wish I would have found this site before now. I wasn’t going to write but after reading so many similar stories I feel like sharing my story.
I am not really looking for advice as I know what I have to do in my situation but I would like to share my story to perhaps get some validation from a few of you who have gone through a similar situation and have maybe dealt with the issues of PTSD (I started to write PMS!!! LOL! Now that I think about it PTSD looks a bit like PMS…. x 10) longer than I. As many of you have written, I can’t really talk to my friends and family about it – especially my Jewish Mother – as no one really understands this PTSD thing unless they have witnessed it firsthand. This may be a long post as I think it will be cathartic for me to just write it all out. So bear with me. Or don’t. J
I met my “Sufferer” over three months ago and just like so many other people on this site I fell immediately in love with an amazing, gentle, beautiful man. Falling in love is something I do not do easily. In fact I am 41, never married, no kids and have not dated anyone in five years – my choice. Some would say I am picky but I would say I am just someone who requires a lot of emotional intimacy, a spiritual connection, someone who adores all of me and is not looking to change (or control) me in any way and I am not willing to settle. I have always been comfortable by myself and I don’t need someone around just to fill the space. Meeting M and feeling so connected and drawn to him was a very new and refreshing experience for me.
Aside from meeting my M completely out of the blue – wasn’t looking or expecting to have met anyone during that/this time in my life – there was kismet in our meeting as I had two months prior started a business in which I donate 25% of my proceeds to an organization that helps support veterans suffering from PTSD and TBI by gifting them a trained companion or therapeutic animal. Wonderful organization BTW, called Soldiers Best Friend just in case any of you Sufferers or Carers think a companion animal would help you or your loved one with PTSD or TBI. I had done a ton of research on PTSD for my business before meeting M (had never actually known anyone in the military before meeting M) but nothing I “researched” could have prepared me for actually having a relationship with a sufferer. Just for the record M has combat PTSD and TBI from his almost 15 years in the military and 4 tours to Iraq and Afghanistan. He was special forces Army and did and saw some crazy sh*t. He is a fully disabled vet due to his PTSD so he has been clinically diagnosed. Fortunately for M, he is very intelligent and has an amazing job that requires a lot of responsibility so he is at least able to be normal in major parts of his life. I know a lot of Sufferers have a hard time just holding down a job.
As mentioned above I fell head over heels for one of the most interesting, complex, intelligent, loving people I have ever met. Being 41 one and still single I have dated a lot of men in my life but he was definitely the one person I felt I could actually spend my life with. He also fell in love with me and we had a very special connection together. Something neither one of us had ever experienced. M was very open with me from the very beginning. In fact there was hardly a night we spent together that we actually got to bed before 3am (just talking) and sometimes we were up all night talking.
We took things slow since he worked very odd hours and had a 16 year old son to take care of. I knew he had PTSD the first night I met him but what I didn’t know until about 2 months in was how badly it affected his life. In fact I am not sure if he even knew. When I met M, he had recently filed for divorce from his second wife but was still cohabitating with her. Let me explain right off the bat – I didn’t know I really liked him SO much until after our second date at which point I told him I would not continue on while he lived with his soon to be ex. I had always been adamant I would never date someone “separated” or even newly divorced as I know that usually leads straight to disaster. I knew he had not had a good relationship with the wife for a few years and they had been in separate bedrooms but ….living together still? I don’t think so!! I set my boundaries from the very beginning yet I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy ride for us with all his stressful stuff going on. But we really fell for each other so I was willing to go through whatever we had to go through. We continued seeing each other (didn’t get physically intimate for two months) while he cohabited but a month after meeting me he moved to his own place. Stress number one. He was now completely responsible for his 16 year old son from his first marriage (mom lives in a different state) and no longer had someone to help him with daddy duties. Stress number two. He also worked very stressful 12 hour shifts, two days two nights, and was about to be promoted to a different job. Stress number three. He also started a very intense relationship with a new woman (me) without taking time to heal from the last one. Stress number four. I looked at his situation and though I knew it was stressful and timing wasn’t ideal I saw nothing but good. He met me – I adored him, he was taking a promotion which made his work hours normal and he was basically making a lot of “fresh starts” (from my perspective).
Everything was going along great until the end of month number two. After spending what I thought was three amazing nights together - I met his son for the first time, we went to a concert, yadda yadda… M did his first “isolation” or as I like to say “disappearing act”. Let me add we had also just gotten physically intimate. Wish I would have found this site then!!! As you all know from experience the first “disappearing act” is quite startling and perplexing to the Carer. This man who I adored – and he adored me - and who I felt so very connected and close to suddenly just completely shut me out. No returned text for a few days (48 hours of hell). Then received one from him saying he was feeling “overwhelmed” - and this will be a shocker to all of you - he ended text with a “don’t take this personally”. Well WTF? How could I not take it personally…at least just a little? So for 9 days I went out of my mind with worry, fear, sadness, anger….a sense of loss. I kept myself busy with work and my new business and spent a lot of time crying at my girlfriend’s house. It was one of the hardest times in my life. Fortunately for me I am very spiritual and I kept telling myself to just “Trust”. Easier said than done. I was smart enough (that time) to give him his space and other than one nice email I sent to reassure him I left him alone. I also realized during that time that he actually really did have PTSD! You see, M did a good job hiding it from me. Or as mentioned above, perhaps he didn’t even know how much this thing affected him till his world was turned upside down. The good thing was during those 9 days he went to the VA a few times for counseling. After day number 9 I got the long text about how sorry he was and he would like to see me and talk. As I had expected the first night seeing him after the 9 day hiatus we had a very emotional and bonding talk for hours and hours. He admitted to his depression, I admitted to mine, he promised never to do that again, I told him not to make a promise he couldn’t keep. I let him know all I needed from him when he got into that space was a quick text or email saying “I’m in a bad place”. He said he would do that but kept promising he would never disappear like that again as he knew how difficult it was for me and how it would have actually helped him to just reach out to me during his dark time in the rabbit hole. Mind you I never once tried to make him feel guilty, I was actually very understanding and loving and kept telling him it was okay and I understood but I just needed a tiny bit of communication before he went AWAL so I wouldn’t worry so much. HA!!
After that first night of talking and crying things returned back to normal. Kind of. It was normal in the sense that we were seeing each other again, texting, communicating yet most of the time something just seemed “off” to me. Although we would talk and he was still very affectionate he seemed distant. Almost like he was just going through the motions but was kind of checked out. I had also noticed he was drinking a lot more and getting stoned but was trying to hide it from me. Since I met M I knew he had some issues with “self-medicating” but I had also seen him sober and responsible so I wasn’t that concerned. I just thought he liked his beers and an occasional joint and what’s the harm in that if it helped him to relax? Plus M was never violent, mean or out of control. To the contrary he was always very lovey dovey and would become more so when he was “buzzed”. I had never met someone so loving and affectionate and I loved it. But that third month I did start to get worried because the wonderful feeling of connectedness was starting to disappear. Like I said he acted the same, we talked, but it was just different.
The one and only thing I had ever asked of M was to keep in contact with me when we were apart. Just a short text everyday – that’s all I had ever asked. A simple “hello” text or even better, just a timely reply to my one text a day rather than making me wait 12-24 hours for a response. Other than that I gave this man plenty of time and space and never demanded anything. I also communicated my needs in a loving way and I didn’t think my needs were so great as I just wanted to feel like I still had a boyfriend when we were apart.
I know this has become long winded and I apologize – I am sure I have lost most readers by now. J A few weeks ago which would have made it three months together (one month after his first isolation) M had gone to Vegas with some colleagues for four days and I had went to Dallas for work for three days. Basically we would not be seeing each other for a week. We saw each other the night before he left for Vegas and it was one of those “checked out” nights. In fact, he showed up at my house at 4:30pm stoned out of his mind and tried to pretend he wasn’t. Well I was a bit disappointed only because it seemed that for a month he was typically like this. It had only been a few nights in a month where he was actually “checked in”. I didn’t mention anything to him that night as I knew he was excited to go to Vegas and just chill for a few days. But I had made a promise to myself to discuss this “checked out” thing with him and to also discuss his trying to hide his getting high. I never judged my M for any of this stuff and was, for the most part, very understanding and accepting. Believe me I have – we all have – issues. I think that is why we were able to get so close so fast. He felt very comfortable with me and knew I did not judge him. He felt accepted. But the one “issue” that I had and that we constantly discussed was the lack of communication when we were not together. This drove me nuts and as time went on drove me even more nuts. I always felt like I never knew if I would see or hear from him again once he walked out my door. He blamed this on not being “a big text person”. I get that but when your girlfriend sends you “a hey babe I miss you” or “sweetie how are you?” and you don’t respond back to her for hours and hours or sometimes never, that can be a bit unnerving! I told him over and over again what this meant to me and that’s all I asked of him. And if he was not a big text person, why not pick up the phone and call me???
The morning he left for Vegas I sent a text saying “I am not going to initiate contact with you this week. It would make me feel really good if you would text me a few times FIRST. Have a wonderful time in Vegas”. I sent this because it was my one and only request of him ever and I was setting boundaries. And in a loving way – not bitchy. He texted back immediately (surprise!!) saying, “expect a lot of texts and pictures. Will miss you!”. Well guess what I got for an entire week? I of course broke down after 24 hours of not hearing from him whilst he was in Vegas and sent him a pic of my doggie with a simple “Daphne misses you, so do I”. Nothing back from him for 24 hours. Then he sent a “how is your week?”. Later that week I sent him a text while in Dallas saying I wish he was with me. He responded in an hour, sweet and simple message. The next night I texted again (I am weak and I missed him) with a cute pic of myself saying I missed him. Nothing back. In the airport in Dallas on my way home on Friday I text him to see if he wanted to join me out for an hour that evening to meet some of my friends. It had started to occur to me that all we ever did (other than the concert night) was hang at my place or his. We never went anywhere. He had not met any of my friends or family. I was getting anxious and wanted to start introducing him to people. I loved and adored this man – I couldn’t wait to show him off to my peeps!! It also occurred to me the only night we had ever went “out” was the night before his initial “disappearing act”.
After our two trips we had plans to get together on Saturday night so my text on Friday asking him to join me was impromptu. And I had a suspicious feeling he would not be meeting me out on Friday night. Something felt very off and he felt very distant. I also felt he was unconsciously avoiding any situations outside of our houses and with other people around. I knew I was going to see him on Saturday night so it wasn’t a big deal if he didn’t meet me out on Friday night. But what annoyed me was I didn’t hear back from him for hours after my impromptu “meet me out” text. I almost felt as if he were trying to come up with a “story” as to why he was not going to meet my friends or leave the house. When I did hear back all I got was “sick. Ate some bad food”. Really? Well I had been deathly ill about 6 weeks earlier with food poising and I managed to communicate with him a lot more than that. In one week I had heard from him 3 times and all in response to my text messages. Nothing initiated from him. Saturday rolls around and I am in a mood. I was getting a little upset that this relationship was seemingly becoming more and more one sided. Again, all I ever asked was a little communication while away from each other. I sent him a text around 1:00pm that day just saying “I hope you feel better?”. Again, we were supposed to get together that night. When 7:00pm came around and I still hadn’t heard anything from him I was PISSED. All my compassion and understanding was thrown out the window and I was just ANGRY. I don’t care how sick he was, he could have sent me a quick text to say he was still sick – anything! I then did something very irrational and drove by his place to see if his truck was in the driveway. Well, it wasn’t. So guess what I did? I didn’t get too crazy but I sent him a text saying how hurt and disappointed I was. Of course I did not tell him I drove by his house. I didn’t hear back from him till midnight. And the text he sent was “Wow, didn’t realize I wasn’t allowed to be sick. I was understanding when you were sick. I don’t need you to tell me how disappointed you are, I have heard enough”. So my very sweet M was all of the sudden pretty cold. I responded with the usual bull crap we do when two people are in defensive mode, pitted against each other. I said all I ever asked was a little communication. He did not respond back. The next morning I woke in even more of a mood – my ego had taken a hold and I felt I had been taken advantage of – so I sent him a slew of text’s reiterating again that all I needed was a bit of communication and that the mind starts getting irrational when you don’t hear from your boyfriend for days. I then told him I had driven by his house and not seen his truck and that’s why I sent the text the night before. He did text back saying his son had taken his truck (although his son had his own nice ride) and he didn’t need someone who jumps to conclusions and plays games. I immediately saw the err of my ways and apologized and admitted that yes I did jump to conclusions and I was sorry and tried to explain why I did this. Again tried to make it clear how it made ME feel when I didn’t hear from him for days especially when we had plans. I apologized tons and admitted I had been an a-hole. His response to me via text was “I can’t be in a relationship. I am too screwed up. I have a lot of problems. I just left one bad relationship and entered into another relationship without taking time to heal. I am starting my counseling again at the VA. I quit drinking as I realize I have a problem with drinking. And if you are already upset about me not communicating I think “what else am I going to do wrong?”. I don’t want to live like that.”
So there it was. I got the big break up via text. I sent a boat load of texts back to him trying to explain he did not do anything wrong and to just try and see how I felt at the time of my insanity. After all, I had been very compassionate with him. I let him know I was proud of him admitting he had a drinking problem and that he was seeking help. I of course asked him not to completely walk away from the relationship but to take as much time as he needed. I have not heard anything back from him since.
I did send him one email a few days later apologizing again and again for my actions and letting him know I was proud of him. Also let him know it pained me the most to know he was suffering and there was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t ask him to be with me or stay in the relationship – just needed him to know again how sorry I was for my behavior and I am happy he is seeking help and working on his problems.
So here is the final kicker. I had sent him the email on Monday after he broke up with me via text on Sunday. Again I had expressed in email how much it pained me to know he was in pain and hurting. I was out at a local watering hole on Thursday night after text dumping with one of my girlfriends crying in my beer over M. Telling her how sad I am for him and how bad I feel for being a jerk and not understanding him more and guess who walks on the patio with a beer a cigarette? Its M! So apparently his “quit drinking” only lasted a few days and apparently he was not as sad and depressed as he claimed to me via text dumping. And guess what? He stood on that patio for five minutes with his friends and didn’t say a word to me and then just slunk out the door leaving his friends on the patio.
I couldn’t believe this man I had fallen so in love with and who claimed to have loved me back had broken up with me via text and then ignored me when he saw me out four days later!!!
Thus are the events that led me to this site. I have been so angry, mad, sad, guilty, devastated, and confused for a week and it has been wonderful and healing to read similar stories on this site. As I mentioned at the beginning of this email I am not looking for advice. I know I am not going to contact him again, I know I have to just shut the door and move on. What I do need help with is to try and quit blaming my ONE night of acting irrational on our break up. Honestly, I think this would have eventually ended up happening. I think M was looking for any excuse to cut it off. I think once our relationship got very deep and intimate he freaked out. I also think as we grew closer he was unable to hide his addictions from me (and whatever else) and it was easier to just split then go through an intense relationship with me where we would be “exposed”.
So there you have it. Anyone who has made it through this long winded post I would love to get some validation that it wasn’t me and “my one night of freak out” was not the reason why he split. I feel very very guilty although I had been the one who was understanding and patient with him the entire relationship – other than that night. I also would like to know what someone thinks about him just ignoring me at the bar? That was…..extremely painful. It made me feel the last three months had all been a lie.
Thank you to anyone who made it through this post and who writes me back!
I am not really looking for advice as I know what I have to do in my situation but I would like to share my story to perhaps get some validation from a few of you who have gone through a similar situation and have maybe dealt with the issues of PTSD (I started to write PMS!!! LOL! Now that I think about it PTSD looks a bit like PMS…. x 10) longer than I. As many of you have written, I can’t really talk to my friends and family about it – especially my Jewish Mother – as no one really understands this PTSD thing unless they have witnessed it firsthand. This may be a long post as I think it will be cathartic for me to just write it all out. So bear with me. Or don’t. J
I met my “Sufferer” over three months ago and just like so many other people on this site I fell immediately in love with an amazing, gentle, beautiful man. Falling in love is something I do not do easily. In fact I am 41, never married, no kids and have not dated anyone in five years – my choice. Some would say I am picky but I would say I am just someone who requires a lot of emotional intimacy, a spiritual connection, someone who adores all of me and is not looking to change (or control) me in any way and I am not willing to settle. I have always been comfortable by myself and I don’t need someone around just to fill the space. Meeting M and feeling so connected and drawn to him was a very new and refreshing experience for me.
Aside from meeting my M completely out of the blue – wasn’t looking or expecting to have met anyone during that/this time in my life – there was kismet in our meeting as I had two months prior started a business in which I donate 25% of my proceeds to an organization that helps support veterans suffering from PTSD and TBI by gifting them a trained companion or therapeutic animal. Wonderful organization BTW, called Soldiers Best Friend just in case any of you Sufferers or Carers think a companion animal would help you or your loved one with PTSD or TBI. I had done a ton of research on PTSD for my business before meeting M (had never actually known anyone in the military before meeting M) but nothing I “researched” could have prepared me for actually having a relationship with a sufferer. Just for the record M has combat PTSD and TBI from his almost 15 years in the military and 4 tours to Iraq and Afghanistan. He was special forces Army and did and saw some crazy sh*t. He is a fully disabled vet due to his PTSD so he has been clinically diagnosed. Fortunately for M, he is very intelligent and has an amazing job that requires a lot of responsibility so he is at least able to be normal in major parts of his life. I know a lot of Sufferers have a hard time just holding down a job.
As mentioned above I fell head over heels for one of the most interesting, complex, intelligent, loving people I have ever met. Being 41 one and still single I have dated a lot of men in my life but he was definitely the one person I felt I could actually spend my life with. He also fell in love with me and we had a very special connection together. Something neither one of us had ever experienced. M was very open with me from the very beginning. In fact there was hardly a night we spent together that we actually got to bed before 3am (just talking) and sometimes we were up all night talking.
We took things slow since he worked very odd hours and had a 16 year old son to take care of. I knew he had PTSD the first night I met him but what I didn’t know until about 2 months in was how badly it affected his life. In fact I am not sure if he even knew. When I met M, he had recently filed for divorce from his second wife but was still cohabitating with her. Let me explain right off the bat – I didn’t know I really liked him SO much until after our second date at which point I told him I would not continue on while he lived with his soon to be ex. I had always been adamant I would never date someone “separated” or even newly divorced as I know that usually leads straight to disaster. I knew he had not had a good relationship with the wife for a few years and they had been in separate bedrooms but ….living together still? I don’t think so!! I set my boundaries from the very beginning yet I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy ride for us with all his stressful stuff going on. But we really fell for each other so I was willing to go through whatever we had to go through. We continued seeing each other (didn’t get physically intimate for two months) while he cohabited but a month after meeting me he moved to his own place. Stress number one. He was now completely responsible for his 16 year old son from his first marriage (mom lives in a different state) and no longer had someone to help him with daddy duties. Stress number two. He also worked very stressful 12 hour shifts, two days two nights, and was about to be promoted to a different job. Stress number three. He also started a very intense relationship with a new woman (me) without taking time to heal from the last one. Stress number four. I looked at his situation and though I knew it was stressful and timing wasn’t ideal I saw nothing but good. He met me – I adored him, he was taking a promotion which made his work hours normal and he was basically making a lot of “fresh starts” (from my perspective).
Everything was going along great until the end of month number two. After spending what I thought was three amazing nights together - I met his son for the first time, we went to a concert, yadda yadda… M did his first “isolation” or as I like to say “disappearing act”. Let me add we had also just gotten physically intimate. Wish I would have found this site then!!! As you all know from experience the first “disappearing act” is quite startling and perplexing to the Carer. This man who I adored – and he adored me - and who I felt so very connected and close to suddenly just completely shut me out. No returned text for a few days (48 hours of hell). Then received one from him saying he was feeling “overwhelmed” - and this will be a shocker to all of you - he ended text with a “don’t take this personally”. Well WTF? How could I not take it personally…at least just a little? So for 9 days I went out of my mind with worry, fear, sadness, anger….a sense of loss. I kept myself busy with work and my new business and spent a lot of time crying at my girlfriend’s house. It was one of the hardest times in my life. Fortunately for me I am very spiritual and I kept telling myself to just “Trust”. Easier said than done. I was smart enough (that time) to give him his space and other than one nice email I sent to reassure him I left him alone. I also realized during that time that he actually really did have PTSD! You see, M did a good job hiding it from me. Or as mentioned above, perhaps he didn’t even know how much this thing affected him till his world was turned upside down. The good thing was during those 9 days he went to the VA a few times for counseling. After day number 9 I got the long text about how sorry he was and he would like to see me and talk. As I had expected the first night seeing him after the 9 day hiatus we had a very emotional and bonding talk for hours and hours. He admitted to his depression, I admitted to mine, he promised never to do that again, I told him not to make a promise he couldn’t keep. I let him know all I needed from him when he got into that space was a quick text or email saying “I’m in a bad place”. He said he would do that but kept promising he would never disappear like that again as he knew how difficult it was for me and how it would have actually helped him to just reach out to me during his dark time in the rabbit hole. Mind you I never once tried to make him feel guilty, I was actually very understanding and loving and kept telling him it was okay and I understood but I just needed a tiny bit of communication before he went AWAL so I wouldn’t worry so much. HA!!
After that first night of talking and crying things returned back to normal. Kind of. It was normal in the sense that we were seeing each other again, texting, communicating yet most of the time something just seemed “off” to me. Although we would talk and he was still very affectionate he seemed distant. Almost like he was just going through the motions but was kind of checked out. I had also noticed he was drinking a lot more and getting stoned but was trying to hide it from me. Since I met M I knew he had some issues with “self-medicating” but I had also seen him sober and responsible so I wasn’t that concerned. I just thought he liked his beers and an occasional joint and what’s the harm in that if it helped him to relax? Plus M was never violent, mean or out of control. To the contrary he was always very lovey dovey and would become more so when he was “buzzed”. I had never met someone so loving and affectionate and I loved it. But that third month I did start to get worried because the wonderful feeling of connectedness was starting to disappear. Like I said he acted the same, we talked, but it was just different.
The one and only thing I had ever asked of M was to keep in contact with me when we were apart. Just a short text everyday – that’s all I had ever asked. A simple “hello” text or even better, just a timely reply to my one text a day rather than making me wait 12-24 hours for a response. Other than that I gave this man plenty of time and space and never demanded anything. I also communicated my needs in a loving way and I didn’t think my needs were so great as I just wanted to feel like I still had a boyfriend when we were apart.
I know this has become long winded and I apologize – I am sure I have lost most readers by now. J A few weeks ago which would have made it three months together (one month after his first isolation) M had gone to Vegas with some colleagues for four days and I had went to Dallas for work for three days. Basically we would not be seeing each other for a week. We saw each other the night before he left for Vegas and it was one of those “checked out” nights. In fact, he showed up at my house at 4:30pm stoned out of his mind and tried to pretend he wasn’t. Well I was a bit disappointed only because it seemed that for a month he was typically like this. It had only been a few nights in a month where he was actually “checked in”. I didn’t mention anything to him that night as I knew he was excited to go to Vegas and just chill for a few days. But I had made a promise to myself to discuss this “checked out” thing with him and to also discuss his trying to hide his getting high. I never judged my M for any of this stuff and was, for the most part, very understanding and accepting. Believe me I have – we all have – issues. I think that is why we were able to get so close so fast. He felt very comfortable with me and knew I did not judge him. He felt accepted. But the one “issue” that I had and that we constantly discussed was the lack of communication when we were not together. This drove me nuts and as time went on drove me even more nuts. I always felt like I never knew if I would see or hear from him again once he walked out my door. He blamed this on not being “a big text person”. I get that but when your girlfriend sends you “a hey babe I miss you” or “sweetie how are you?” and you don’t respond back to her for hours and hours or sometimes never, that can be a bit unnerving! I told him over and over again what this meant to me and that’s all I asked of him. And if he was not a big text person, why not pick up the phone and call me???
The morning he left for Vegas I sent a text saying “I am not going to initiate contact with you this week. It would make me feel really good if you would text me a few times FIRST. Have a wonderful time in Vegas”. I sent this because it was my one and only request of him ever and I was setting boundaries. And in a loving way – not bitchy. He texted back immediately (surprise!!) saying, “expect a lot of texts and pictures. Will miss you!”. Well guess what I got for an entire week? I of course broke down after 24 hours of not hearing from him whilst he was in Vegas and sent him a pic of my doggie with a simple “Daphne misses you, so do I”. Nothing back from him for 24 hours. Then he sent a “how is your week?”. Later that week I sent him a text while in Dallas saying I wish he was with me. He responded in an hour, sweet and simple message. The next night I texted again (I am weak and I missed him) with a cute pic of myself saying I missed him. Nothing back. In the airport in Dallas on my way home on Friday I text him to see if he wanted to join me out for an hour that evening to meet some of my friends. It had started to occur to me that all we ever did (other than the concert night) was hang at my place or his. We never went anywhere. He had not met any of my friends or family. I was getting anxious and wanted to start introducing him to people. I loved and adored this man – I couldn’t wait to show him off to my peeps!! It also occurred to me the only night we had ever went “out” was the night before his initial “disappearing act”.
After our two trips we had plans to get together on Saturday night so my text on Friday asking him to join me was impromptu. And I had a suspicious feeling he would not be meeting me out on Friday night. Something felt very off and he felt very distant. I also felt he was unconsciously avoiding any situations outside of our houses and with other people around. I knew I was going to see him on Saturday night so it wasn’t a big deal if he didn’t meet me out on Friday night. But what annoyed me was I didn’t hear back from him for hours after my impromptu “meet me out” text. I almost felt as if he were trying to come up with a “story” as to why he was not going to meet my friends or leave the house. When I did hear back all I got was “sick. Ate some bad food”. Really? Well I had been deathly ill about 6 weeks earlier with food poising and I managed to communicate with him a lot more than that. In one week I had heard from him 3 times and all in response to my text messages. Nothing initiated from him. Saturday rolls around and I am in a mood. I was getting a little upset that this relationship was seemingly becoming more and more one sided. Again, all I ever asked was a little communication while away from each other. I sent him a text around 1:00pm that day just saying “I hope you feel better?”. Again, we were supposed to get together that night. When 7:00pm came around and I still hadn’t heard anything from him I was PISSED. All my compassion and understanding was thrown out the window and I was just ANGRY. I don’t care how sick he was, he could have sent me a quick text to say he was still sick – anything! I then did something very irrational and drove by his place to see if his truck was in the driveway. Well, it wasn’t. So guess what I did? I didn’t get too crazy but I sent him a text saying how hurt and disappointed I was. Of course I did not tell him I drove by his house. I didn’t hear back from him till midnight. And the text he sent was “Wow, didn’t realize I wasn’t allowed to be sick. I was understanding when you were sick. I don’t need you to tell me how disappointed you are, I have heard enough”. So my very sweet M was all of the sudden pretty cold. I responded with the usual bull crap we do when two people are in defensive mode, pitted against each other. I said all I ever asked was a little communication. He did not respond back. The next morning I woke in even more of a mood – my ego had taken a hold and I felt I had been taken advantage of – so I sent him a slew of text’s reiterating again that all I needed was a bit of communication and that the mind starts getting irrational when you don’t hear from your boyfriend for days. I then told him I had driven by his house and not seen his truck and that’s why I sent the text the night before. He did text back saying his son had taken his truck (although his son had his own nice ride) and he didn’t need someone who jumps to conclusions and plays games. I immediately saw the err of my ways and apologized and admitted that yes I did jump to conclusions and I was sorry and tried to explain why I did this. Again tried to make it clear how it made ME feel when I didn’t hear from him for days especially when we had plans. I apologized tons and admitted I had been an a-hole. His response to me via text was “I can’t be in a relationship. I am too screwed up. I have a lot of problems. I just left one bad relationship and entered into another relationship without taking time to heal. I am starting my counseling again at the VA. I quit drinking as I realize I have a problem with drinking. And if you are already upset about me not communicating I think “what else am I going to do wrong?”. I don’t want to live like that.”
So there it was. I got the big break up via text. I sent a boat load of texts back to him trying to explain he did not do anything wrong and to just try and see how I felt at the time of my insanity. After all, I had been very compassionate with him. I let him know I was proud of him admitting he had a drinking problem and that he was seeking help. I of course asked him not to completely walk away from the relationship but to take as much time as he needed. I have not heard anything back from him since.
I did send him one email a few days later apologizing again and again for my actions and letting him know I was proud of him. Also let him know it pained me the most to know he was suffering and there was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t ask him to be with me or stay in the relationship – just needed him to know again how sorry I was for my behavior and I am happy he is seeking help and working on his problems.
So here is the final kicker. I had sent him the email on Monday after he broke up with me via text on Sunday. Again I had expressed in email how much it pained me to know he was in pain and hurting. I was out at a local watering hole on Thursday night after text dumping with one of my girlfriends crying in my beer over M. Telling her how sad I am for him and how bad I feel for being a jerk and not understanding him more and guess who walks on the patio with a beer a cigarette? Its M! So apparently his “quit drinking” only lasted a few days and apparently he was not as sad and depressed as he claimed to me via text dumping. And guess what? He stood on that patio for five minutes with his friends and didn’t say a word to me and then just slunk out the door leaving his friends on the patio.
I couldn’t believe this man I had fallen so in love with and who claimed to have loved me back had broken up with me via text and then ignored me when he saw me out four days later!!!
Thus are the events that led me to this site. I have been so angry, mad, sad, guilty, devastated, and confused for a week and it has been wonderful and healing to read similar stories on this site. As I mentioned at the beginning of this email I am not looking for advice. I know I am not going to contact him again, I know I have to just shut the door and move on. What I do need help with is to try and quit blaming my ONE night of acting irrational on our break up. Honestly, I think this would have eventually ended up happening. I think M was looking for any excuse to cut it off. I think once our relationship got very deep and intimate he freaked out. I also think as we grew closer he was unable to hide his addictions from me (and whatever else) and it was easier to just split then go through an intense relationship with me where we would be “exposed”.
So there you have it. Anyone who has made it through this long winded post I would love to get some validation that it wasn’t me and “my one night of freak out” was not the reason why he split. I feel very very guilty although I had been the one who was understanding and patient with him the entire relationship – other than that night. I also would like to know what someone thinks about him just ignoring me at the bar? That was…..extremely painful. It made me feel the last three months had all been a lie.
Thank you to anyone who made it through this post and who writes me back!
