Broken

[Sammy]

Came here because I didn't know where else to turn.I have PTSD for a whole host of reasons. Life has never been particularly kind. I have had it all pretty well managed until lately.

After following my husband around in the military for over 20 years, he is retiring, going to school and leaving me. We will be getting a divorce. Long and complicated story. After following him around, my career has been screwed and I can't get a real, full-time job. I don't know where I am going to live and the stress of job hunting while working a few part-times jobs that still do not make a living, is killing me. To add to the fun, my father is nearing the end of his journey and simply does not want to live any longer. Every time the phone rings, I am afraid it is the news he has passed. More fun... my 14 year old German Shepherd Dog is nearing the end of her life as well. She is my best friend and I hate watching her slowly fade. She is doing well for a big dog her age but I know her time is coming sooner rather than later. The vet is warning me I will wake up one morning and she will be gone. We have a good snuggle every morning and night. When the time comes, if it comes and I must, I will do what is right. She deserves only the best.

I have never felt so heart-broken and betrayed and I simply can't see a road ahead. I want to believe I will be OK because I have already survived so much. But this all hurts more than I know how to cope with and today is rather feeling like the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. I am emotionally exhausted. The nightly nightmares are awful, the daily living with a spouse I know is lying to me (by omission if not in fact), watching my dog fade, waiting to hear my father who was never really a father has passed (I still love him - he was doing the best he knew how and was a mess himself. Can't be too mad at someone who is doing the best they can), looking for employment, can't move out until I can find employment, meeting with the lawyer next week, trying to do a part-time job that is demanding and exhausting (but I do like)... too much. Throw in the PTSD and everything is fired up. The urge to crawl into a corner and never move again is huge. I don't want to fight any more. But quitting isn't an option for me. Wanting to quit but not being able to is its own kind of hell.

Life sucks.

 

[ronin47]

Dear friend, I'm sorry for your pain. If you explore this forum more, you will discover many people who are going through a particularly hard time in their lives. I'm only 21 but in my darkest moments of intraversion and despair with the cold reality that is humanity and awareness of our own mortality, I contemplate with overwhelming dread and despair the day I will eventually have to bury my mother. Every life must come to an end at some point or another, but it is still hard when our loved ones meet their end. The fact that you are facing a divorce must make all the other struggles that much more difficult. My best advice would be to reach out instead of in. When confronted with tremendous roadblocks, too often the inclination is to curl up into an emotional fetal position. However, the best thing you can do is reach out to other people; find friends you can talk to, see if you can find a support group or something like that of other women going through similar difficulties, go to the movies with friends, try to see if you could find counseling of some kind. Isolation is the devil's best friend. It is the worst thing for anyone dealing with anykind of difficulty.

I know it's dark where you are and it must be difficult to picture things improving, but they can and they will. I endured a lifetime of an abusive and neglectful family. I knew nothing except survival. I held on though, because, I think, I clung to the hope that maybe peace and joy was just around the corner. I kept asking myself, "What if everything is going to get better tommorrow and I miss it?" And you know what, I was right. The day I stepped onto my university campus, everything did change and I found a life that was happier and more content than I ever though possible. Take it one moment at a time, I know it's a cliche, but it's true. Focus only on each day and each hour. Only think about what's right in front of you, and before you know it, it'll all be behind you.

Stay Strong!

 

[Ron]

I hear you. Life can really suck at times eh? Fairy tales are for kids and we are not kids anymore are we? I really feel for you. All those HEAVY things weighing you down. I am no therapist by any means but first I would find friends and family to express your pain and get loving encouragement and support. Second, I would line up a therapist or counsellor. Third, I would write a list of what needs to happen in your life so you can be happy again. And of course be here with us, expressing your feelings. We are listening.

 

[Sammy]

Thanks. Actually, I need to stay away and isolation is better for everyone. The urge to fight and verbally hurt anyone is huge. I have just a few too many skills in sarcasm and caustic comments. I know it is the PTSD talking so in all honesty, it is better I stay way - from here or from friends.

I have a therapist and a psychologist and have hung around here now and again for several months. The only thing to do is just keep moving and try to keep from burning bridges or doing anything rash. Fighting to keep the inner-insanity from boiling over.

 

[Reclusive]

Mmmmm. Isolation still isn't good for you, you need to at least be able to pick up the phone and talk to somebody about how you feel. Make the therapist and psychologist a regular thing if you can. You need to find a way to cope with these emotions, they're too big to just let them fester. Journaling? Exercise? Walking? Screaming in your car? SOMETHING.

 

[anthony]

Came here because I didn't know where else to turn.I have PTSD for a whole host of reasons. Life has never been particularly kind. I have had it all pretty well managed until lately.

Yep, well I believe the following about sums up the cause:

After following my husband around in the military for over 20 years, he is retiring, going to school and leaving me. We will be getting a divorce. Long and complicated story. After following him around, my career has been screwed and I can't get a real, full-time job. I don't know where I am going to live and the stress of job hunting while working a few part-times jobs that still do not make a living, is killing me. To add to the fun, my father is nearing the end of his journey and simply does not want to live any longer... ...More fun... my 14 year old German Shepherd Dog is nearing the end of her life as well.

Everything compounding at once... PTSD or not... it breaks the best of people, without PTSD.

Sorry to hear about your circumstances, never nice when things compound, especially a relationship breakdown.

You are very focused on the negatives right now... what about the positives? What are you actually achieving even though all this is going on?

 

[Sammy]

Thank you.

It is morning and I can be more rational... I do insist on a good night (but not too long) of sleep. Getting tired just doesn't help. Yes, there are good things. Even though the part time job is a killer and I get paid for a fraction of the hours I work, I am enjoying the teaching and am learning a lot. I have an awesome bunch of international students who are working hard to learn English. They give me reasons to laugh and smile every day. The value of the job is that it gets me out of the house every day - not the paycheck, which all goes to the lawyer anyway. I have friends and family who care and I am fully aware that is more than many. There are good things and this will not go on forever. So much at once overwhelms me and I can feel the PTSD rearing its ugly head. All those "you aren't worth anything" or "you may as well start looking for your box to live in now," voices send me into a panic and if I continue to listen to the things I told myself for so long, I simply want to shut down. The urge to crawl into a hole and just quit, the urge to become completely anti-social, the hateful and angry words that I want to say to people who would be innocent victims of my anger - they all become overwhelming. I don't want to get up and go to work. I don't want to talk to friends, I don't want to leave my room - anxiety and all, I still do. It is a battle to get through the day and not let the injuries of the past damage today. I know on some level all that the only thing to do it get through it. It will be OK - one way or another. I have survived some pretty ugly and massive losses in the past, I can do it again. It isn't fun, I hate it but, not impossible. The fight is to continue to keep the PTSD at bay while coping with the insanity of life. I don't like that PTSD, anger-filled, depressed, hopeless person I become when the PTSD is winning. I have worked too hard to come to grips with my past to l let myself become that person again. I keep telling myself it will be OK. I will survive - I just don't like the process much.

 

[Ron]

You are a fighter! I like that,:)

 

[ronin47]

Thanks. Actually, I need to stay away and isolation is better for everyone. The urge to fight and verbally hurt anyone is huge. I have just a few too many skills in sarcasm and caustic comments. I know it is the PTSD talking so in all honesty, it is better I stay way - from here or from friends.

Find just a couple people who understand your situation that you can spend time with. Just talk to them on the phone for starters. Start small.

 

[Sammy]

Saw the lawyer yesterday. Spent the rest of the day fighting with anxiety. Today... exhausted.
I haven't cried this much in a long time. I have friends who understand and are supportive. In fact, I wish they'd stop calling and checking on me. They can't fix it - I just need to survive. Talking about it all the time doesn't help.

 

[Sammy]

Mega-panic attack today. That was a first.

 

[Reclusive]

Be good to yourself, Sammy - panic attacks can take a lot out of you mentally and physically. If you can, eat something nutritious.