Bullied Stepmom

[DadsWife]

Hi - Married my husband 7 years ago and moved to his small town to create a life together. Unfortunately his ex-wife, and then his children had other ideas and sought to destroy me by whatever means necessary. Eventually we had to move (4 hours away) because of the constant and unrelenting harassment and bullying.

Despite making such a break, I still think about what happened ALL the time. I'm obsessed with it and can't help thinking about it.

It really sucks! She is still trying to harass us from a distance, but there is very little she can do now.. (although she has turned to having the child support agency harass us now on her behalf) we also have almost no contact with the kids (might see them every 6 months or so) but when we do see them, my stress levels are extreme and mentally planning for their visits takes all my energy. I obsess over every little detail and have flashbacks about it all for weeks afterwards.

I just need to let the past go.. but how? That's the big question for me, although I'm sure it would help if we could get the harassment to stop altogether, but I very much doubt that will happen. :( They are on a mission and they will never stop.

DadsWife

 

[anni]

Hi Dads,

I can't tell whether you have PTSD, and if you think it's from this incident? Please do know, I'm awfully sympathetic to your situation- it's just that as a new member sometimes we get people who are not quite sure what constitutes a diagnosis. If bullying step children could cause it, I'd have 4 cases if possible so honestly- am not questioning things! Maybe all this sort of thing does- hee- I get a little lost in the various things involved.

I'm answering anyway since I actually do know what it's like to have these power mongers think they have entrance into your life. NO idea why they seem to feel it's the case, with the lovely, poisonous ex in the background for a cheering section but it's there. It really is a game, bottom line. I can honestly say I truly have been nothing but pleasant from day 1-continued to be, turning myself inside out. Still do once in awhile, to make it clear I'm still me and haven't been sucked into the endless nonsense.I do the same thing-obsessivly thinking of these things which will not change, being hurt by them all over again, reliving the fact that these people honestyl did not wish me well. Well, they do not. It's not going to change. My husband does what he can. It took a long time but my T says he can't seriously DO much more than allow ME to stand up for myself. These people get so awful and poisonous they overwhelm him, and they know this also, it's part of the game, the manipulation.So, I can either let myself get pushed around and have them control my life or disengage. This saves my backside and also makes them crazy. Not having a vicitm in sight is something they hate. Do you think they do not know they're making you miserable and unhappy? Of COURSE they do! It's an enjoyable game to them.

The next visit, yes, will be wearing. Well, it's your home. For one thing, lay down the law as far as how you wish to be treated. Then disengage while the storm breaks around your head because it WILL. If you can't bring yourself to do this, please disengage anyway-go about your business pleasantly, refusing to be drawn in or even look unhappy. Remember it is YOUR house, YOUR home. I have a step child who still comes and steals things on the grounds that they 'belong' to her father so they're 'hers', too. OK. If I allowed this to continually make me crazy I'd never get any sleep. Hee- the last time I found my good pillowcases missing, I just put the itchy, really cheap ones in the guest bedroom where she slept the next visit. Maybe she didn't get the point there but it sure made me feel better to think of her passing an uncomfortable night. See how it can work sometimes? OK- that isn't really disengaging and a tad passive aggressive but I got to laugh up my sleeve and get rid of some frustration.

I realize it's easy for me to say 'just don't' but it's really the only answer. A therapist will help you do this. Family therapy might help, although I can tell you in my case it did not work. Some people do not feel there's anything at all wrong with them so will refuse to go, is the thing.That's where it's up to you, to take care of yourself, and YOUR home. A very good friend once suggested a dog shock collar for my step daughters, that they had to put on every time they came in the house and I got to shock them when they were horrible. Now THERE'S a workable idea!! Unfortunately, don't think they'd put one on, do you? :)

Sorry so long, just saw this this morning so thought I'd answer for what it's worth. As I said, I couldn't tell if you have PTSD on top of this situation or not. I do and BOY has it been an unhelpful companion.

Do take care of yourself, ok?

Anni

 

[intothelight]

Hi Dad's Wife,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. As Anni said, having PTSD makes situations like this just that much harder to deal with. But with counseling, setting boundaries, support from your H and others, it should improve. This site has a lot of wonderful information for managing PTSD symptoms, information about therapy and the support of people who truly understand.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[DadsWife]

Thanks for your responses, Anni and Debbie!

Yes I have detached as far as is humanly possible. The kids are not allowed in our house due to stealing, destruction of property and vandalism (think menstrual blood smeared on the walls, as just one example). I don't spend any time alone with them due to false allegations, and they are not allowed to spend any time unsupervised with my little ones due to causing them harm. (Something I have flashbacks about).

Of course, knowing our boundaries makes them determined to break them. The last time the kids visited, they did drive-bys so that the kids could "surprise" Dad by dropping in on him at home. Luckily I had hidden our cars behind the house and turned off the front lights so they thought we were out. Disengaging and letting it seem to just roll off your back only gets you so far with people who are actively seeking to harm you.

As to their Mother - I'm no psychologist but it would seem to me that she is sociopathic or narcissistic at the least. I've had harassing phone calls at all hours, drive-bys, interference with mail, cars vandalized, threatening to harm pets, as well as impersonating me to obtain medical records. And that's just the stuff we know about. She also tried to have me fired. On top of the alienation stuff, spreading rumors and slander in our small community, and the ongoing typical "games" which was unrelenting and business as usual. (For instance, she told my stepdaughter that she was to keep quiet about having head lice, but was to secretly use my hairbrushes at every opportunity to try to infect me.) I have dozens of stories like that. Unfortunately she is too smart about much of this to get caught, as well as being an amazing smooth talker. Both she and the kids are expert gaslighters, as well. They tried very hard to break up my marriage by telling stories to my husband. (Which led me to insist on never being alone with them.)

Early on, she was aware that all of this upset me, and it did indeed drive them crazy when I stopped responding. My old T believes that much of the escalation was them trying harder and harder to get some response from me. In the end, moving away was really the only choice we had to make at least some of this stop. Living "under siege" and waiting for the next attack was no way to live.

You are right in that it is a game to them. Every time I change my phone number they go on a mission to find out the new number and then the phone calls all start up again. The distance, and not allowing them into my home, has made a difference (they can't try to get my number off the doctors assistant, check my husbands phone when his back is turned, or try to break into our filing cabinet to check the bills, for example).

Interestingly, the response I get from many people (including the local police, church pastor etc.) when I try to explain it, is that because its "kids and a woman" that it couldn't possibly be "that bad" and that it's just a bit of teenage attitude and sour grapes and I should "just deal" with it. I'm sure if it was my ex-boyfriend hurting my babies and harassing me constantly like this it would be taken a lot more seriously. And because of the manipulative rumors and slander against me, it was very hard for me to get any support in the community.. having left all of my friends and family behind to move to where my husband was for the sake of his kids.

Between the flashbacks, nightmares and stress induced illness, I'm hardly functioning. I thought that once I was away from the situation that things would improve. It's been a year now and they haven't.. need to find a new local therapist, although a quick call to the old one sent me in the direction of complex PTSD.

So that's more of the story.

Dad's Wife (a stepmother no longer.. I quit! ;) )