Bumbleweed Trauma Diary

[bumbleweed]

i have been through lots of trauma in my life. i believe the PTSD i suffer from is also complex.

sexually abused 4yro, 6-8yro, 9yro, 12yro, 13yro, 14yro, 16yro, 19yro, 26yro, 31yro, 33yro, 37yro
battered 4yro, 7yro, 8yro, 13yro, 16yro, 19-20yro, 33yro
i've been stabbed(14/15yro right around thereabouts) and shot (20 yro)

i was running away from the young kid that shot me. i was running serpentine, but hesitated somehow and looked back at him. He had pulled the small gun from his pocket and initially said he was gonna shoot himself. then he turned the gun on me instead. so, like i said, i ran.
luckily for me, he got me in the cheek and not the neck. i have what looks like a bad acne scar and repaired teeth to show for it. and of course, nightmares that it's happening all over again. and of course, whenever there is a gunshot/shooting on tv in a show, i have this exaggerated startle response.
oh well, for that matter, i have an exaggerated startle response anyway, to other stimuli as well.

i wanted to be as general as possible. just the shooting seemed to qualify me for post traumatic stress, but all the child sexual abuse and battery seems to have affected me into adulthood, with some sexual abuse and battery in adulthood also affecting me.

i guess there was stuff i left out: some car accidents, some robberies, threats of sexual abuse/battery, being groped/sexually harrassed on the job, stuff like that.

 

[bumbleweed]

In addition,
i saw family members abused sexually and battered.

 

[mary1979]

Welcome @bumbleweed.

Forgive me if this diary is not your first post.
I may have missed your intro.

Just wanted to say hi, and well done starting your journal.
The hard parts always starting xxx

 

[The Albatross]

Congratulations Bumbleweed on starting your diary, enjoyed chatting with you today.

 

[bumbleweed]

Welcome @bumbleweed.

Forgive me if this diary is not your first post.
I may have...

Oh that's okay, mary1979, I don't mind. I didn't post very much in the introductions.
Sorry it's taken so long for me to reply; therapy and so many activities for upcoming summer taking so much time.

I reread my post and I realize I focused on one traumatic instance and relived it somewhat.
Then, I remembered so many others I didn't mention. Not all of my abusers have died and I still feel the
need to keep some things hidden. I've talked about some of them with counselors, but they didn't believe me.
I guess counseling isn't what it ought to be. I've been told more than once by counselors/family members that:

'if you don't have photos of the abuser/attacker, first and last names, police reports for each attack/abuse, hospital
reports for each attack/abuse, or video proof, or social security numbers for each abuser/attacker-then we don't believe
you and it's a hallucination/delusion'

mary1979, could you just see me after being raped at 12 years old trying to conduct my own investigation?
trying to pry the social security number and photographing my abuser/attacker 30 year old neighbor?
I mean, I'm trying to understand exactly how I was supposed to have the presence of mind after being
victimized to do such police work on my own. oh well. He actively sexually abused the foster children his
mother took in. I would think somebody would have wanted to catch him. Unfortunately for me and the
other victims of his, I wasn't believed at the time. And I haven't been believed since I entered therapy either.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that you have the wrong therapist and you deserve better as you are working so hard on yourself.

 

[bumbleweed]

I think that you have the wrong therapist and you deserve better as you are working so hard on yourself.[...

Gizmo
cute handle!
I have gotten a couple better counselors after I got over the sting of their denial/disbelief.
believe me, I have utilized all the types of assistance I possibly could get.

Still, I hurt sometimes that some of the predators that have gotten ahold of me;
as a child, as a teen, as an adult
seem to have done so much better than I have
as I live in poverty...
not abject poverty, but well below the Federal Poverty guideline.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@bumbleweed good for you for working so hard on getting some gains in your life and to improve things from past traumas. I like your handle as well.:hug:

 

[bumbleweed]

@bumbleweed good for you for working so hard on getting some gains in your life and t...

Thank you for the compliment on the handle
and the gains I've made.
I believe, on some level,
I've done as well as I have because of:
yoga,
marijuana,
believing in the goodness of God

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with you, although I do not use it, I have in the past and just wish that this country would just legalize it like alcohol and cigarettes. Hopefully in my lifetime. And God is always present in my life as well. I do not know where I would be with out God in my life.

 

[bumbleweed]

August 1, 2016

Feeling real good today.
I've been employing transcendental meditation technique on a regular basis.
I did a short yoga routine this morning.

I stopped smoking cigarettes(again) about 200 days ago.

Nightmares and flashbacks are less frequent now.
I notice my dreams have changed since starting TM technique.

I still have the intense, exaggerated startle response.
I hope to be off the sertraline I take real soon.

Thanks to this site & all who frequent here.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Super congratulations on the quitting smokes for so long. You pretty much have this now. I am really impressed by what you have accomplished.:hug: