Buried Beneath Everything

[MouseWedger]

Im not sure if this belongs to this forum or in depression, but it needs to be out. Can't hold it in anymore. Don't want to. Feels toxic, has fangs. Can't do it, can't keep it.

Husband and I are moving in with his parents tomorrow. Can't afford to pay rent because he doesn't make enough money and workers comp doesn't give me my full pay. Part of me blames him, and his drinking. Then I feel bad. But still... if he hadn't waited four months after losing his job... savings. We'd still have it. If he didn't drink so much. I know I should be packing but I can't anymore. Too hard, keep crying. Don't want to leave. Even now, laying in bed holding a bear from childhood, dog asleep on my foot its so much easier to just cry. Husband came and kissed me goodnight on my head, had a flashback to childhood. Laying in my bed trying not to cry, don't want to go to Devil Lady's tomorrow, dad comes, kisses my hair. Whispers goodnight, and he loves me. Leaves, then I cry. I feel like that little girl again. Can't keep it in.

The move has caused all sorts of feelings to come out. Cant control them. Found ants in the kitchen today. All of a sudden I am six dealing with an infestation again, slapping at them with a towel, shaking, screaming, trying not to cry. No longer a grown woman. Sometimes I'm ten, begging the Devil Lady not to make us move again, crying all the time. It never matters, she always makes me pack my things. Tonight I'm just a quiet twelve year old with quiet resolve. I have nothing more to say. Not to anyones face, to an actual person. Id rather hold the dog, pretend she has the answers to my problems, even though I know she's just as confused as me right now. I feel like a child, lost. Hurting. Afraid to sleep because it means tomorrow will be here when I open my eyes. I don't want it to be here. Not yet. Its too soon. Make it go away.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Oh MouseWedger. I am sorry these are huge triggers for you.

What you are going through is very hard. You will feel depressed and down.

I don't know what your in-law's place is like. I think you have mentioned that your mother-in-law is very nice. Perhaps you could tell her that you are down about moving. Is it possible for your husband and in-laws to do the move and for you to go somewhere else for a while, so you are not triggered by this all. Perhaps if you explain how triggering it is to you, they will see and they will do that for you?

Just take one day at a time. Once the move is over you can relax. You will have the help of your mother-in-law at her house, so try and take it easy and do lots of things for yourself. Go out lots for walks or whatever you like doing. Treat yourself to something you like. Even an icecream. A nice treat a day. Go sit peacefully in some nice place.

I am hoping you wake up to a nice sunny day and that things feel a little bit better. And that the next day is better still.

 

[MouseWedger]

Thank you Lizio, for the thoughts and hope. I wish I could let them take care of everything, but then I feel like I would feel worse than I do now. We have to pick up the U-Haul in four hours. Adam was supposed to finish the packing last night because I just couldn't, I should have known better. So much left to do...

 

[Queen Boudica]

Hope your move went OK MouseWedger and you are taking a well earned rest.

 

[MouseWedger]

Thanks Lizio,
It went as well as can be expected, though it rained miserably - fit my mood pretty well. I was proud of myself; only mentally vacated about a handful of times and managed to pull myself together again, and only physically left once. Things are still out of sorts contributing to my need to continually do something. Can't put much more to rights without the hubby waking up and putting a few things together for me. Good news is he's going to run a line down to the basement so I'll have the computer down there. The dogs and the cat are rioting. Both dogs whine and howl when in the basement, one jumps clear over the gate in the doorway at the top of the stairs and the other refuses to go to the bathroom outside.The cat won't stop crying either. He's not used to being kept away from people - my inlaws are not cat people so he must stay ion the basement. It is over though, so I can start to adjust and create some new living patterns. =)
Mouse

 

[Queen Boudica]

That's great Mouse.

Poor cat. At least when you have the computer in the basement he can come and snuggle up to you then.

 

[MouseWedger]

Yeah Lizio, were working on getting the rest of the stuff together today and putting it down there *hopefully* by dinner time. Spyro can snuggle til his little purring heart is content then. I miss my snuggle bunny.

 

[Queen Boudica]

That's great Mouse. Something to look forward to. Your place where you can write and snuggle up to Spyro. That is good to have a place where you can rest and think. Nice to put some special things of yours there too. Nice pictures, books, whatever is special.

I hung up some windchimes on our verandah. Think I will go and sit there in the summer when it is so hot in the shade. Only place in the house where I won't hear the kids!

Nothing like cuddling up to a purring cat. My poor Zigi lost his brother earlier on in the year. We had to have him put down. He is lost without Poli. You can see it he looks around for him. So he snuggles up to me when I sit on the sofa at night. And when I am outside hanging out the clothes he is there. He also sits on top of the rabbit hutch. The rabbits like him.

 

[MouseWedger]

Good news Lizio! Spyro ventured out of the basement yesterday after dinner and my inlaws dogs and the inlaws like him very much. He now has full range of the house and has made friends with my father in laws chihuahua, Ginger! He is a very happy kitty now. It's good to hear that Zigi is making friends with the bunnies, cats need buddies to be around. I was worried about Spyro after my ex and I seperated and he took our other cat Bender, but Spy has adjusted and loves playing with mine and my husbands dogs.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Oh that's wonderful Mouse. Cats are very clever animals. They know how to work themselves into our affections. How can anyone resist a purring ball of fur snuggling up to you?

Actually I am very tempted to adopt another cat. Keep walking past the new vets that has opened and it is advertising rescued cats. Very tempting, But think Zigi might not take to a new cat, and I should not take on any expenses at the moment. But, I LOVE CATS.

Anyway, thinking about getting some chickens instead. Going to convert the cubby house to a chicken coop, have to make sure it is fox proof, don't want them going the way of my friends chickens. Not quite the same as another cat, but lots of nice fresh eggs! Must be mad, taking on something extra and not sure about all the poop. Maybe I will rescue some battery hens. They get rid of them after a year, but they still lay eggs. Poor things they have lost all their feathers because they are kept in such cramped conditions. But with a little tender loving and care their feathers grow back and they can have a good life. I like that idea.

That's good Spyro gets on with the dogs. I've always worried about cats with dogs. Put off dogs at the moment because of the huge monster dog that lives in the house by our driveway. It is about 70kg and jumps up against the fence and growls dribbling saliva and barks every time we go up our driveway. My 3 year old is now terrified of dogs. But maybe, if I had a big plot of land, I would consider a small dog sometime. I think I could have a whole menagerie of pets if I let myself! Better not!

See, things are getting better. That has to be an omen. Spyro making himself at home. Really happy for you.