Dom Violence "but He Loves Me And Promises He Will Never Do It Again..."

[EveHarrington]

Is this the same friend you've posted about before who refuses to get help, to help herself, join the forum-----because it's too much work? (Sorry, this is how I remember those posts and I realize I may be a little off in my recollection.)

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah same person. Only she has made a big change to treating me like a person again, in a two way relationship - it's just now this has come up again and again and it's weird. Again. Since we had that big talk and my setting the boundaries I did, she did take some steps to tell her therapist everything, as she says, and has taken steps to do an intensive treatment program this summer... and wants her ex to go with her to do the first day of treatment to support her because she is scared. She knows this is impossible. She knows he can't go with her because he treatment is for her. She still longs for it. And she did connect with the victim advocacy attorney.

But she still resists more therapeutic support left and right.

 

[Justmehere]

One of the good things is that we are like real friends again, she asks how I'm doing and we talk about all kinds of things again. Our phone calls often involve a lot of giggling again.

My heart just breaks when it goes to, "can I ask your advice about (her ex)...." and her saying how she wants to go back to him.

I kind of hate him. Yes, I hate my friends rapist, even if she does love him. I wish I would tell him to F off! Oh and so much more....

 

[RussH]

But it's hard and confusing when she keeps asking if she should go back to him.

Just keep saying no. She will either not go back to him, or stop asking you.

 

[Justmehere]

@RussH - thanks. I like that plan. :)

 

[Justmehere]

She texted me at 3am last night in a panic - this is a regular occurrence and it never wakes me up, so I dunno...

When I got up, I read the text. She simplysaid she was in a panic and having a hard time resisting contacting her ex to help her through the panic.

At 3am.

When I woke up and read the text, I wrote back that I hoped the panic was better, she can do this, stay strong. I also wrote "I hope you were able to find healthier coping skills than inviting him back into your life."

Was that too harsh of a response?

I kind of wanted to say, "you need to go to the treatment program everyone has been suggesting to you, not texting old abusive boyfriends, to learn how to reduce and manage the 3am panic attacks. If you keep doing what you are doing you are gonna get the same results. How has that been working for you so far?"

Why am I so mad about this? It's her life. She is free to date whoever she wants. I can't stop her or change her mind.

I am mad. I am mad that my friend is finally sounding better since she got rid of him, and while she is still very symptomatic, she has treatment options. Going back to him is likely to make everything worse and he's a frekaing witness and she wants to talk to him about what he witnessed despite her victim advocate attorney and me both saying that's a very bad idea...

I have no idea what the right response is to this. I want to stay friends but I don't think I can do be her friend if she's back with him again. I'm just going to keep getting mad she's with him. I'm going to start expressing it to her.

Is it fair for me to say I can't be friends with you if you make the choice to invite him back into your life? Or is it fair for me to say hey, when you invite him back into your life, I feel angry because of how much worse you get when you are with him?

 

[RussH]

It would be fair to tell her that inviting him back into her life is a form of self-destruction, and you cannot stand by and watch that.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think "fairness" matters when someone else is jeopardizing your healing.

I mean why are you questioning if you are being fair when the truth is that she's not really being fair to you?

 

[Justmehere]

My friend has contacted me a few more times about advice regarding him and I've been consistent: no, it is not healthy or wise to go back to him. I know you are in pain and that's why you need to get treatment first.

She asked if we could talk again today. I told her the time I could talk and she changed her mind and instead texted to tell me that she needs to figure it out herself. Her ex texted her (which means they have restablish we contact) and that's what she needed advice on. She instead needs prayers and support while she figures out what to do. I said ok, and I did something a little different than usual. I sort of gave unasked for advice or opinions. I guess I pushed her boundary? I don't know. I told her that as her friend I am concerned she is in contact with him and I hope that she doesn't go back to him because while she is in real pain, she has been so much better since she left him, and "I hope you both can find the space and support from others to heal."

She texted me telling me she understands my position (finally!) and that she really just needs your support and prayers. She needs me to trust that she will make good and right decisions on this.

I'm angry. I'm not sure what this is stirring up for me.

I'm thinking of telling her this:

"I care about you as a person, very deeply. I want to be a supportive friend. However, I can not support a decision to return to a relationship that has been so destructive to your health and well being that you have repeatedly and painfully left him again and again."

But I paused. Instead I asked her to explain more about what kind of support she would like from
Me.

I was mad, and I figured it would give me time and space and open the door for more of an explanation so I don't assume the wrong things.

But I'm still mad. And tired. It feels a little like watching someone who is addicted to a substance go back to it again and again.

 

[Ellabella44]

yep, it is like another addiction when this kind of relationship is "what you deserve" . hope she figures she is worth more to herself than she is worth to him.

 

[Bine]

Hi, Justmehere!
Your friend’s problem is a very hard situation, that she could be involved. How long they are being lovers? There are two different ways beyond if they have had relationship for 3-4 years or 3-4 month, for example. Is she really loved him or she just scared of being alone? Because lots of women think that they must be thankful for every guy, which offered to be his girlfriend.

 

[EveHarrington]

Remember, your feelings are never wrong! It's ok to be upset.

Maybe now is the time to step back and simply pray for her.

I understand that you really care about her, but in the end you can't control her actions or make her leave the guy.

I don't want to sound cruel, but it would be perfectly fine for you to set your own boundaries of perhaps having that guy being off limits as a topic of discussion? I understand that you want to support her but at the same time if she isn't willing to accept your support then why drain yourself of your own personal emotional resources?

I think it's great to want to help people, but if they refuse our help then why put ourselves out there? (I say this in context of your situation.)