Dom Violence "but He Loves Me And Promises He Will Never Do It Again..."

[Justmehere]

She was with him for two years and she wants to get back with him because she says she can't stand being alone. She also says she loves him, because he's the only one who has ever supported her outside of me and another friend of hers. She keeps initiating contact with me about him, and I'm trying to be a friend or just even have any response.

I told her. I finally point blank told her in response to her texts, I support her but I don't support any decisions to return to a relationship with him. I can't support a choice to invite a destructive unhealthy relationship back into her life. If she wants relationship advice, it's probably best to tak to someone else.

And I left it at that. I didn't explain, I didn't defend (because I do that too much, all the time...)

Her response: You are attacking me and telling me I'm a bad person and a bad friend.

I asked her to re-read the text. And she replied that I was insinuating she is a bad person and I'm not being supportive and she is trying to be a better friend to me and she just wanted some support on this today and I need to trust her more.

I told her I don't want to text anymore, I've given it a try, I can't chase down on misinterpretations about texts on text, and that she can claim I'm insinuating whatever, but that's not my communication or heart, I said what I mean and that's that.

She ranted that I was attacking her and being hurtful and I don't see it but I'm hurting her.

I'm sure my decision to not support her choices is something she feels very hurt about. So be it. I still can't support her choice to go back to him.

I told her this. I got pissed too.

I told her about my day. Factually said, hey this is what I have to deal with today, and it included a heavy matter that used to be a trigger but isn't anymore. I told her to try and help her enever I'm a prism with my own shit. I might have been too effective on that. I did tell her, "attacking you or all of this other stuff you tell me I'm intentionally trying to do to you was never even on my plate of things to do today. Instead I have taken time to try and be as good of a friend as I could be, and you never even ask how my day is."

She replied to tell me clearly I clearly have high emotions right now and she is here to support me even though I'm hurting her and I don't see it.

So. That was a mind-f-ck.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sometimes being a good friend means we don't support destructive decisions which are harmful to their well being.

I personally think you're being a great friend to her. Don't lose hope----


Added-------

Could you tell her it's not HER that you don't trust?

 

[Justmehere]

Could you tell her it's not HER that you don't trust?

Yes!

That is what actually bothers me. The thought of her being with HIM. I almost wrote in an impulsive moment, "what kind of person would tell a friend it's a good idea to go back to someone who repeatedly raped them?" I didn't say that because it was too badly worded and impulsive.

But it's not about her. It's because he hurt her and he is at high risk of doing it again. That's a hard thing to face. It's hard to know she's connected to a proven to be dangerous person.

There is part of me that wants to say: "hey, no I don't support women returning to men who raped them. I support strong boundaries with rapists. The end. I can not tell you that this is a great idea yes you should totally go back to the man who raped you and you should totally date him again. Not even."

 

[Justmehere]

She ended the friendship. On email. Because I have had a boundary for several months that I won't do texting with her, only phone or Skype. It's too intensely emotional to do texting, and even some days I can't see them due to an eye disease, when I can see other communication... I actually ask most people to only text logistical things but call to talk through other matters. Not text.

i had asked her to call me yesterday and instead she emailed me a general work account. ([email protected]) I just got the email and she ended the friendship because I won't text and it is an insult to her character and sends a "unspoken but clear message" she a a bad person and a bad friend.

10 years of validating what a good person she is and never stating she is a bad friend, and that means nothing to her...

 

[Ellabella44]

You did the best you could with an impossible situation. the "but nobody will love me like he does" is as bad as "but alcohol, drugs etc make me feel better".

You cant help someone afraid to let go of what is bad for them unless they see what its doing to them.

Fear of never feeling this good again, keeps people locked in bad situations. And its unfortunate that someone has to hit an awful, terrible rock bottom to decide they can live without what is essentially killing them.

Please take it easy on yourself. You gave her choices and support and its not enough for her to be brave enough to be without him. Sorry shes notready to let go.

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like everything always has to be about her.

What an exhausting friendship.

I've had friends do the foot-stomping hissy-fit thing before------

"It doesn't matter that you do/do not ________ because of very real medical symptoms! It only matters that you're not bowing to my every whim and giving me what I feel I deserve."

 

[Justmehere]

You did the best you could with an impossible situation. the "but nobody will love me like he does" is as bad as "but alcohol, drugs etc make me feel better".

I had been thinking this felt so much like talking to someone in the throws of addiction. At one point, she told me that she wanted to get treatment, and she said that she knows it is impossible to bring someone with her, but she really just needs someone there physically in person holding her through the intake and treatment at a partial hospitalization trauma program. She said that this was why she was "tempted" to reach out her ex. I told her that he has his own healing process and trauma therapy is really hard on people to even witness, and that's not something he should do, that's why the boundary is in place that he can't come. You need to get more support. I can't do it either. She said she knows it is impossible, but the pain of having to do it alone was making her hurt so much she didn't want to breathe anymore. It's like she was in withdrawals. The power of a trauma bond is so huge... Only she could finally get the help to break it.

She has a therapist and even a victim law attorney, but refuses the help they keep offering her. There's always an excuse why she needs to keep doing what she is doing.

Two months ago, I called for welfare checks on her, and even her victim law attorney once to let them know she had texted me that she had once again just left the office and was in a suicidal crisis. I thought she would be mad, but I didn't care anymore by the 3rd time it happened. Tell me you are going to die because you are so upset about the meeting with an attorney and being alone, and I'm gonna call for help and make sure the professionals know. She didn't seem to care that I told them about her suicidal crisis, and that actually worried me. I wondered if she was trying to manipulate me. She said she didn't tell them about how bad she was feeling, but I wondered if she had, and they were no longer taking it seriously anymore. It was strange. I kept contacting the crisis team in her area every time she was suicidal. She stopped the suicidal texts...

All the help possible has been offered to her, and she has refused. She needs him. NEEDS. Last week she even said, "it's not even him that I really want, but someone to be there to hold me."

She wanted to use him. She was using him. She kept saying how much she loved him, but then she would also acknowledge his faults, and then she would say it's not really him she wanted... but anyone. She was so using him and even his drama to distract her or try to soothe her from her pain. He will enable her to stay stucl I won't.

I am done with her USING me.

"It doesn't matter that you do/do not ________ because of very real medical symptoms! It only matters that you're not bowing to my every whim and giving me what I feel I deserve."

Yeah, this was so uncalled for. It's making me thankful for other friends who never do this and that experience helped me see how messed up this was. Like wtf? Am I supposed to sure my eye disease? I go through low dose chemo just to keep it at bay, and.... UGH. So mad. I hate my real medical problem so much, I didn't need her trying to make me feel bad about my limits. I can be accepted for who I am, just as I am. I refuse to play this ridiculous self absorded game of hers and let her use me for her every whim.

I'm mad, especially about how she tried to get me to support her going back to the rapist ex-boyfriend. She really didn't know me at all if she thought there was a chance. I'm sure abusers can turn their lives around, but that's not grounds for co-dependent victims to go back to them so they can use each other instead of both doing the hard work of dealing with their own pain and getting treatment and help to start doing something DIFFERENT. Ugh.