"But you look great!"

[Justmehere]

I am holding limits on what I can do because of a medical condition and PTSD symptoms spiking. I'm not sharing the PTSD symptoms but I have risked saying to supporters on the medical stuff that I have a fever, can't do a day long event right now, doc's orders... to get push back on it from a couple of people. Part of the push back includes "you look really good." I'll be fighting stopping a panic attack, depression, and really dark cognitive PTSD spirals, on top of being physically sick and recovering from surgery... and what I get is "you look great." A couple of people are persistent on this.

It's hard for me because I usually hide everything and I'm very slow to admit a struggle to people offline. Very slow. I'm risking admitting I'm not ok, and I keep getting back this.

There are people in my life who get it. I don't need these people to understand or validate it, but I do need to figure out how to respond. It's starting to piss me off, and I don't want to say something really snarky/stupid. It makes it so much harder to risk ever reaching out for support with PTSD because the last thing I need is someone saying I look great despite the panic or whatever.

Anyone have any good responses to this?

I think maybe I'll just say "Thanks!" and carry on holding my limits? They'll keep doing it but whatever? Just shrug it off?

 

[scout86]

Weird that people say things like that, isn't it? How about something like "Sooooo, are you telling me you think I should go ahead and ignore my doctor's orders, or what?" Said with a certain amount of humor, if possible. Maybe that IS snarky, but I'd kind of like them to at least think a LITTLE about how they sound. (I hope they're trainable and get this figured out fairly fast!)

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah, maybe even "Thanks Dr. so and so, but I already got a good doc and I'm following their orders or they will strangle me!" The ones that are not good hearted I try to not even care about because I don't let them close enough to me to matter... it's the ones I want to keep as friends that are harder. Possibly trainable. We all have flaws, this is a small one. If I can be lighted hearted and jovial about it... Bah. Invisible disabilities and battles are difficult for people to understand.

 

[Mytime]

When they say,” you look great! Do you feel comfortable saying,” thanks, sometimes the inside of a book doesn’t match the cover and then just smile?

 

[Friday]

There are people in my life who get it. I don't need these people to understand or validate it, but I do need to figure out how to respond

You know me... I always go for the joke.

Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse!

Why THANKYOU daaaaaahling. A girl tries. <bats eyes outrageously> Unfortunately, my vitals still suck, and my doctors have threatened to drag me inpatient if I can’t follow their orders at home. I don’t have that kind of money. So unless you’ve got a couple hundred grand going begging??? :woot: Drats. Well it’s stuck following orders, at home, then.

 

[Justmehere]

” thanks, sometimes the inside of a book doesn’t match the cover and then just smile?

That's a good one! Friendly and clever!

Why THANKYOU daaaaaahling. A girl tries. <bats eyes outrageously> Unfortunately, my vitals still suck, and my doctors have threatened to drag me inpatient if I can’t follow their orders at home. I don’t have that kind of money.

@Friday, clearly you have been speaking to my doc. (Only halfway kidding!) But seriously, I adore the approach that makes the other person laugh or smile with me! :)

Also keeps me from screaming, "I'm not faking this!" Which would clearly be overkill and unfitting for the matter at hand, and possibly lead my friends to be in favor of that inpatient stay... lol.

 

[Ronin]

Yeah, that's one of those times when saying Look great, feel shit, be back when my insides match my outsides ;) is totally acceptable.

As in you don't owe the response, but their reaction is just it. Their impression. Not your reality. Much less indicative, or a proof, of a lie.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

When I was quite unwell and unintentionally lost weight people were always saying how great I looked. Lmao cheers my anxiety is so bad I’m vomiting everything I’m putting into my body.

It’s bizarre. I’ve had injuries before that are obvious like arm in a sling type deals and people are a lot more accommodating. They help you out and oh no problem if you can’t do whatever, oh let me get that for you. Please, this is literally nothing in comparison to PTSD symptoms. Unless your leg is hanging off they don’t seem to get it.

I usually go for the witty remarks or brutal honesty.

Like: well at least I’ve got that going for me, every cloud.
Or: thank you I feel absolutely dreadful.
It’s a cultural thing as well people think they’re being nice telling you you look good. People say things like “you look tired” I’ve been sleeping 18 hours a day due to depression. I don’t look tired I look like f*cking shit I haven’t brushed my hair and I smell. but it’s not nice to say that. Haha

 

[grit]

It is possible that you really look good on the outside and feeling shitty inside at the same time to others. It is possible those saying you look good are feeling also feeling shitty inside and unable to control themselves and projecting the looking good to feel good about themselves onto you. There are million things why people say things to us. One is no one can see our inside and people can only comment what they think they perceive or what they feel inside of them to outside.

Yes you are not feeling well and you have doctors orders of what to do and not to do right now. All you can do when others project their blahha on you is try to be kind to you (cause maybe you really look good) and kind to them (they are either fill the blank or truly just stating the fact you look healthier than you feel), and say, thank you but I do not feel doing that due to this or that...you can find many ways to assertively say no with respect without negating you seem capable on the outside.

IMHO, much less to react from your own prospective of knowing (they do not know what is inside of you) and being kind than becoming like them and just saying things back to them because you are pissed. Because even using humor in this (depending on how it is delivered) can come off as snarky and the person who truly said you look good on the outside may be confused and may wonder why you are snarky? because they were truly just commenting you look good on the outside...

I think your last sentence (seemed passing comment) but seems also true.

I think maybe I'll just say "Thanks!" and carry on holding my limits? They'll keep doing it but whatever? Just shrug it off?

edit_ adding: an old therapist told me one time, you can only truly negotiate about your feelings with those you feel safe with. The rest, communication is transactional or strategic.

 

[Mee]

Argh. I hate this. Ablist rubbish. I get people sometimes pandering to me in my wheelchair when I am ok - it’s when I am trying to manage without I am sore, tired and need that seat please ‘but you look great’. It makes others comfortable.
if it’s someone who doesn’t need to know I am thinking of trying out ‘thank you so much! That gives me hope I’ll look REALLY great when I feel better’. It acknowledges the compliment, probably made in good spirit, but also reaffirms my situation.
I don’t see anyone much these days to try it on ?