[Triggers as I'll tell you my story a little]
Hello, I'm Nyx. I'm a 25 genderfluid individual and my C-PTSD was started while I was a kid. My 'mother' was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive, and I felt like I had nobody to talk to. I'm going to a specialist assessment soon to see if I am right in thinking I have Aspergers--University made tests seem to indicate that there is a strong possibility--so I likely got in trouble for simply being who I am.
Unfortunately my mind has become quite talented at blocking out whole sections of my life except the facts and some memories of a few incidents. I don't know if there was more that happened at any point.
Anyway, I'll just do the rundown in a muddled order because I've been up all night. Some of it might not be a big deal but my 'mother' set me up to not take well to matters:
Concerns I have:
I know if I don't remember then it doesn't matter. I simply hate that there are issues I should even have to question.
My recent ex broke up with me because he couldn't handle my problems along with his. I had a loud abandonment spiral then an autistic-like shutdown before he and my carer could get me out his flat. He hasn't properly spoken to me since, even though he said "in a few days". I believe he may have C-PTSD because of his harsh childhood too and just displays a little differently to me, so I sent a video calmly trying to explain all the issues which had come up (taking blame for my actions too). Partly it was self-closure because I was going mad from the silence, but ultimately I want him to not avoid himself any more for his own sake. I've been having panic attacks because, even though I knew it was a massive possibility, I'm worried he'll never speak to me again. He promised he'd go to therapy while we were together and said to my carer he would still do so. Apparently his friends have been trying that for years. I hope he doesn't go back on it and I hope my video might show him some parts he hadn't noticed. I think he can be healthier than I can.
My carer is suffering carergiver's burnout and will be moving out within a year. It will be nearby and there's going to still be help, he might be made official via assessment, and I might get a social worker, but it's still scary.
The other day I was heavily triggered by yelling female and crying child, thumps, bumps, and perhaps arguing male voice. They've been almost that bad before but I realised the woman sounds like my 'mother' when she's yelling. So emotional flashback and then hopeless crying over ex because of it. I'd been making progress in the separation.
So that's all my whining done.
I probably wrote too much but I don't really know what to put here and may as well have it in the one place to reference folk to if it's ever relevant, hah.
Hello. I hope I fit in with the main crowd. I don't know how many C-PTSD folk are about but as I understand it, we don't experience the trauma entirely the same most of the time. For instance, I only get emotional or physical feeling flashbacks, not visual. The only visual that happens is what the criminal showed me on that recording. That pops up now and then but used to come back regularly. I was terrified to be around kids unless I infected them with evil. Now I just stay away from them because they're noisy.
Also hope I get to talk to some other Autistic SD or possible Autistic SD individuals, if there are any.
/signing out of post now
Hello, I'm Nyx. I'm a 25 genderfluid individual and my C-PTSD was started while I was a kid. My 'mother' was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive, and I felt like I had nobody to talk to. I'm going to a specialist assessment soon to see if I am right in thinking I have Aspergers--University made tests seem to indicate that there is a strong possibility--so I likely got in trouble for simply being who I am.
Unfortunately my mind has become quite talented at blocking out whole sections of my life except the facts and some memories of a few incidents. I don't know if there was more that happened at any point.
Anyway, I'll just do the rundown in a muddled order because I've been up all night. Some of it might not be a big deal but my 'mother' set me up to not take well to matters:
- - as well as the other abuse my 'mother' tried to attack/kill me as a teen at least four times
- - apparently grandpa would hit me with a belt until 'mother' found out; Dad was also suppose to have hit me but denies it; I believe him
- - a guy who had got me to strip on webcam when I was 15 got in a relationship with me and then tried to groom me as a paedo sidekick ~ worst video he showed me I can't even remotely describe here
- - I've had various people abandon me for all sorts of reasons
- - Dad had to leave when I was 8 and 'mother' told lies which would amount to me believing for more that a decade that he didn't care
- - turbulent relationships with some relationship rape (non-violent) and also mild coercion and possibly violent-seeming somnolent sexual behaviour which was apparently due to medication
- - minor sexual indecency/touching from people I thought I could trust
- - minor inappropriate touching by a person I don't know while almost passed out at a friends party
- - kicked on a couple occasions by 'friends' while drunk
- - 'mother' punched me in the head and kicked me when 14 because I got drunk and sicked up on a bus
- - 'mother' Attachment Therapy pinned me when I was 24 to prevent me leaving for a party with my friends and calmly told everybody that she'd do it all the time when I was a toddler
- - raped by a 'friend' (non-violent, I was asleep and drunk)
- - I've done a lot of drugs at a young age, not being able to live in the house past 16 because I couldn't handle school anymore and she wouldn't get the money higher students received; ended up sofa surfing and in lots of dangerous scenarios
- - have self-harmed
- - attempted suicide twice but both were very pathetic
- - was sent away from a now ex's country to turn up back here homeless because he couldn't handle my illnesses
- - lived in youth hostel for a while which had kids from high school visiting; felt so scared there I'd pee in the sink that was in the room instead of unlocking the door to go to the toilet
- - girls in high school knew I was bisexual so bullied me and even sat at my lunch table and stroked my thighs until I felt able to leave
- - same girls encouraged a boy to grab my crotch in the lunch line
- - while at school attacked by gang of 8 -10 girls; they were hurting me just enough to get me to turn round and fight but I kept going until I got home; had to change schools
- - ran away from living with my dad at 14, wound up staying with an 18 year old who still went to the younger's club night, got me drunk and I consented to first sex; police found us naked and I was forced to sit in police stations for ages, then forced to give a statement to a police officer and a youth worker, neither of whom were sympathetic
Concerns I have:
- II have a fear of one of my uncles which seems to go beyond my normal edginess. At one point I had false emotional memories that I was at the very least inappropriately touched. It could be nothing.
- I broke both my arms, one after the other, while still under the age of 5. The first healed a few months before the next. Though my Dad was there for the second so knows that was an accident, he recently admitted to me he was suspicious of the first time because it was simply me and her in the house. She's done something potentially lethal to him before so I understand his concern.
- An old paedophile lived down the street when I was 5 - 6. I was allowed to walk to school myself because it was at the bottom of the street and across a small road. My 'mother' said she asked me after they found out if I ever went in there and I said 'no', The thing is, I lied compulsively to her as a child because I feared her. Even if this is all true, I might not have been honest. She's since categorically denied all the abuse she'd ever caused me so... yup.
- Reckless older cousin either accidentally or purposely allowed me to see porn while young. I don't remember him doing anything but I remember creepy vibes.
- I used to make Action Man beat up my naked Barbies when I was under 7 years old.
I know if I don't remember then it doesn't matter. I simply hate that there are issues I should even have to question.
My recent ex broke up with me because he couldn't handle my problems along with his. I had a loud abandonment spiral then an autistic-like shutdown before he and my carer could get me out his flat. He hasn't properly spoken to me since, even though he said "in a few days". I believe he may have C-PTSD because of his harsh childhood too and just displays a little differently to me, so I sent a video calmly trying to explain all the issues which had come up (taking blame for my actions too). Partly it was self-closure because I was going mad from the silence, but ultimately I want him to not avoid himself any more for his own sake. I've been having panic attacks because, even though I knew it was a massive possibility, I'm worried he'll never speak to me again. He promised he'd go to therapy while we were together and said to my carer he would still do so. Apparently his friends have been trying that for years. I hope he doesn't go back on it and I hope my video might show him some parts he hadn't noticed. I think he can be healthier than I can.
My carer is suffering carergiver's burnout and will be moving out within a year. It will be nearby and there's going to still be help, he might be made official via assessment, and I might get a social worker, but it's still scary.
The other day I was heavily triggered by yelling female and crying child, thumps, bumps, and perhaps arguing male voice. They've been almost that bad before but I realised the woman sounds like my 'mother' when she's yelling. So emotional flashback and then hopeless crying over ex because of it. I'd been making progress in the separation.
So that's all my whining done.
I probably wrote too much but I don't really know what to put here and may as well have it in the one place to reference folk to if it's ever relevant, hah.
Hello. I hope I fit in with the main crowd. I don't know how many C-PTSD folk are about but as I understand it, we don't experience the trauma entirely the same most of the time. For instance, I only get emotional or physical feeling flashbacks, not visual. The only visual that happens is what the criminal showed me on that recording. That pops up now and then but used to come back regularly. I was terrified to be around kids unless I infected them with evil. Now I just stay away from them because they're noisy.
Also hope I get to talk to some other Autistic SD or possible Autistic SD individuals, if there are any.
/signing out of post now
