Called Suicide Prevention Hotline Before Lunch On A Work Day.

[Crimson]

Greetings,

If parts make no sense, I removed stuff, sorry.

I am an ethanol challenged person; I am an alcoholic. A few days ago I woke up after an insane night of freaking out on my......(she used to be my partner but we we're kind of in a 'roommates that consensually lay in the same bed and sort of cuddle from time to time'). A couple of nights ago she told me I need to go, leave, and find somewhere else to live and that she'll be okay with me being here until I can afford a place.

I went absolutely nuts on her that night; I have screamed at her, broken closet doors by falling into them, broken many a thing by falling into them, broken a door with my fist, broken a door with my head......It was worse that night.

I went to work shaking, like always, I did my job, I called the hotline before lunch time. I had been just telling myself over and over, 'If you're alive, then there's hope', all morning, just a mantra I kept mouthing to myself. For the first time in my life I had a drink before going to work. I promptly and violently vomited it up, but that's the first time I have not honored what I have followed my entire adult life (no alcohol consumption within 8 hrs of duty, EVER).

I finished my work for the morning and pulled over and called the number. I was upset at first and dealing with a plan to run that work vehicle into a building or tree at crazy speed when I was really upset. I called them and lost my damn mind, it wasn't a plan like before but it was an urge, a desire. I sat in a parking lot in a running work vehicle (I had an urge to take off my seat belt and accelerate to 88 miles an hour and hit a solid object) and let him talk to me. He was awesome, he tried to process what I told him, and he did not judge me. Long story short, TAKE YOUR ANTIDEPRESSANTS, they really make you want to off yourself if you forget em, ever.

Seriously, I felt so amazing after unloading on an understanding person.

There is more I could say but I'll leave that for my next rant.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi, I'm so sorry for all that you're dealing with. Are you in treatment for your alcoholism and PTSD?

 

[hopeinthetrenches]

Hello there, Hope you find your way through. I go through a lot of madness before I open my mouth I'm in recovery from alcohol and drug abuse and sexual abuse . Think of suicide a lot but have a conscience which stops me. I get to a place where I don't want to and don't want to die.

Hope you can find peace of mind before its to late. Sooner or later we all have to talk, its the silence that will kill us. Take care .

 

[Ghostybear73]

Yes, the medications are there for a reason even if you don't think they are working. It takes a lot of courage to call a hotline when something gets this bad. Kudos for you on that one. I'm glad you are feeling better. Hope all goes well (or as well as it can go) at home.

 

[Alic3]

I will never call the suicide hotline. The one and only time I ever did, then called the police to have them come take me to the psych ward, which was a terrible, terrible experience. The doctors nor the nurses were supportive, AT ALL. They were constantly picking on me, the nurses made me cry several times, and made me feel the exact feeling that got me there. The ONLY support I got was from the other patients, who thought I was wrongly there (which I was). The cop who took me in (did they really need 3 of them up pick me up and embarass me in front of my mom's neighbors?) called my mom and told her, even though I was 18, almost 19, even he asked me if I wanted him to, and I clearly said no. Maybe if I had been able to tell her at the right time, instead of him doing it without my consent (she showed up at the ER where I was, YELLING at me, saying 'you can't just go and do stuff like this!'. I ran out of the room crying, and the ER nurse asked me if I wanted her to make her leave, to which I said yes) maybe things would have turned out differently. She kicked me out and disowned me for a couple years, and our relationship is still awkward. I will NEVER trust the suicide hotline, even when I do need something to talk to.

I would love to work as nurse in the psych ward, to give the patients the love and support they need, from someone who has been where they are and understands what they are going through, but I can't work for someone else, let alone in the healthcare field, which you can be majorly mistreated by your superiors, along with other co workers. And I am seriously prone to being criticized, scrutinized, and yelled at more than others at work, which I cannot handle.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Good for you for calling the suicide hotline when you needed to, that takes a lot of courage. I have utilized the Samaritans service which is an email service where you can get support when you feel suicidal. It was tremendously helpful, I would email them at night, wake up early and somehow get to work and then be able to read the email they sent me on the phone the next day which helped me get through work and not act on my suicidal thoughts.

I can really relate to what you said about wanting to accelerate your vehicle and hit a wall at 88 mph, I have thought about that so many times when I have been struggling. I hope you are getting treatment for your alcohol abuse, when I was binge drinking, it had such a detrimental affect my level of depression and made my suicidal thoughts way worse.