Can 2 Cptsd Be Together? That Is The Question...

[presentjoy]

I'm here. I feel like Jemini is accurately describing things and doing well to be fair to me. I really appreciate his posts and many of the responses and thoughts shared, and constructive suggestions.

I panicked so much last week that I fled. It felt that bad. But like J said, we are really only just discovering all of this.

It was interesting what anonymous wrote. J and I were long distance for 3 of the first 7 years. It worked I think in part because of what MissAntiSunshine wrote, about writing to each other. We did a LOT of writing to each other. Real time dialogue involving emotions is very hard. And lately, it's like, everything is emotional.

I want it to work too.

There is a lot of work we have to do toward self-understanding and C-PTSD understanding and treatment. That whole not knowing thing, that has wreaked a lot of havoc on our lives.

Get us in nature, in the quiet, (snowshoeing in the woods, for example) with good food and all the proper self-care, and it feels like we have all the right ingredients :hug: ... with just a lot of crap heaped on top of it. I'm trying really really hard to be accountable for my crap.

 

[stuff]

I feel like reading something instead of verbal confrontation can be really good. Especially if you make a concerted effort to remember/communicate that expressing how you are feeling about a situation isn't necessarily about laying blame. We all feel all different ways about situations, it's what makes us unique. I feel like dipping my toe into that form of communication would almost be like a good form of exposure therapy. "I feel ---- when this happens because ----- and ------ would help me not feel like that."

It helps you actually experience what it's like to be the other person and why they feel that way about something. It's definitely something I've had to work on. I'm fearful of conflict and really triggered by anger. If the words aren't being yelled but read I don't feel nearly as afraid.

I think something that has always been difficult with male partners is that many of them feel like they are to blame if I am crying or they need to fix something to make it better and not knowing what to do when I'm crying has lead to angry outbursts from partners.

I know for myself, I cry when I'm angry, I cry when I'm overwhelmed, but it's usually not about the situation. It's about the pain from my past welling up in fear of conflict and all I ever really need is a hug and some reassurance. I think especially with c-ptsd it's hard to remember that a person loves you when you are triggered. It taps into this huge well of feeling unsafe, unloved and unprotected and I need to be reminded that the person I'm fighting with is not all of the horrible people who did things before. Sometimes small fights turn into unplanned attacks of historical espionage and I lose my grounding in reality.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

An awesome therapist told me it is impossible to heal when you're constantly being triggered. She was right. You're constantly putting out fires trying to maintain the stays quo instead of actually healing and moving forward.

 

[Cwolf220]

Much agreed. Trying to put out those fires constantly, as you put it, is so exhausting. Was always trying to settle him down and minimize my issues. Being a subservient girlfriend to avoid an altercation. And it made me feel awful bc I am not passive. Past relationships mostly all went the same way. Several were w fellow veterans who were coping w combat situations and really I found I am unable to be a good girlfriend/therapist/chef/housekeeper/any of the above without losing myself to the cause. Lessons learned from my parents' relationship but old enough now to stop repeating those behaviors. Always looking for a guy w big muscles and attitude to protect me- finding I can handle it on my own.

 

[presentjoy]

We are going to a new couples therapist today. Last night was a mix of what @stuff describes, I had overwhelming crying/shutdown while trying to communicate, and it basically imploded our attempts at communicating, J felt controlled, I felt controlled, and we had to stop. We took a walk and then came back and got in the darkness in bed. The dark can feel safer and calmer. We connected.. but there's this feeling of frustration, I think for both of us, that we can't fully explore the issues because emotions run too high.

I want to work on communication. Like what stuff described: "I feel ---- when this happens because ----- and ------ would help me not feel like that." Even that can feel beyond us.

I feel hopeful and scared and stuck and mad and confused.
I don't want to lose you, J.