Can Anyone Relate To This?

[onlybygrace]

I have posted a few times and I have been trying to "break through" my avoidance and fear of people, ugh. I have been going to church now for about two months and I have been experiencing extreme anxiety and being triggered, you name it, I am having it. I am fortunate that my pastor is a Vietnam vet with combat PTSD but I don't think he is familiar with Attachment Disorder. I have been trying to understand why I am there at church, what do these people mean to me and in short, I am going numb. So, two Sundays ago it didn't help that all the ladies decided that my anxiety just needed some more hugs. In fact it actually started triggering me. I have been abused by a woman (and men) and guess what? I had a woman of the same body type of my abuser feel that I needed an extra body-clenching hug that lasted for several minutes. I then had a male within ten minutes of this give me an "encouragement" and he held my hands, looked into my eyes and then gave me a full body hug with back rubbing. Needless to say I left the church overwelmed and very numb.

My drive home is about 35 miles (all rural driving). I ended up in the wrong lane and almost side-swiped another car making a left on another road and then to top it all off, I later decided to pass a car at about 65-70 with room to pass about gone. I then saw a car coming head on and I decide to "go for it" rather than dropping back behind the car I was passing. I floored the gas petal and passed this car with no feelings, no thoughts, nothing. I barely made it. I ended up wedged between the on-coming car and the front end of the car I was passing. I am a fast but very cautious driver and I have never, ever attempted something so dangerous or scary in my life. In fact I have a fear of accidents. When I made this decision to continue on passing the car with the on-coming car just around the bend, I never felt anxious, I had no fear whatsoever and after I was back in my lane, I continued to haul it. I had no reaction to what I just did other than "what in the heck did I just do?"

I can honesty tell you that I feel nothing about it other than "I'll never do that again simply because it was stupid and selfish to endanger those other drivers". Does anyone have any ideas about what occured? Any thoughts whatsoever? I have been going around for days a bit down and very numb and self-abusive. This is all because of feeling anxiety around being people? I understand that those ladies triggered me but I have been feeling numb for weeks. I have been emotionally on my own for all my life. I have allowed my husband of 24 years a little more access to me for the past two years. But I have no idea what to feel or to do with other people. I am very confused. Wow....what a rant. Is this to do with the AD or Complex PTSD or both?

Can anyone relate? I feel a bit addicted to the excitement of doing this....not sure what to think about it.

 

[Iam]

I am not sure what you are feeling addicted to the excitement of? The risk you took is what I am assuming?

Yes I can relate. I am actually a very physical person, but less so lately. Different things trigger me though. And yes....if I get overwhelmed I really don't know what I am doing. I think that sometimes when we have repressed our feelings for a long time living on the edge, risky behavior evokes feelings in us. The adreneline rush at least lets us feel something! I loved scary movies and thrill rides at the entertainment parks. I think I realize now that it was that I was enjoying feeling something intensely instead of feeling numb. Does that make any sense?

Give yourself some room and permission to feel the way you do. And maybe next time, when they hug you and you don't want it, gently tell them "No offense meant but I am not comfortable with hugging." It's ok to have boundaries. If you want to overcome it maybe start with people you trust. Like your husband, letting him give you a 20 second hug. Just receive it. IDK just a thought.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

All I know is that what you described happening in your church would trigger the heck out of me. I would probably have a melt down. Also, when I'm triggered I tend to dissociate and/or become reckless/careless. Like, I feel so low that nothing matters anymore. Perhaps that is what happened to you.

 

[onlybygrace]

I wasn't able to fully equip myself in regards to going to this church. I didn't expect the deluge of feelings and yes, triggers by all the hugging. Since I suffer from Attachment Disorder, on the avoidant end, this has set me up for mindless, emotional-less response. Therefore my boundaries were almost non-existent. I think that the excitement of the danger has allowed me to regain some lost control, therefore my reaction to the hugs..I am a bit concerned that I'll seek this excitement to maintain my imagined "control". Ugh....I am not if it's worth all the triggering and stress. We'll see how it all pans out. The problem as well is that with this incident I have been self abusing as well. Not sure how that all figures in.

 

[anni]

Oh my, it all sounds familiar. It's a good place here since the articles and old threads usually have things that help you put your finger on things that are tough to identify. You sound really self-aware so probably won't have too much trouble tracking things down, beyond the answers you've gotten already. Before I was able to read other's posts all I knew was that being hugged like that, or having any person on the planet look into my eyes just gave me the dam willies and made me sick to my stomach. Just reading your church experience made me quesy and tense.

All this to say you're really not at all alone, and it's incredibly helpfull not to be as you look for your answers.

 

[gdf]

Definitely sounds familiar. The hugging thing is is very overwhelming. Congregations are very well meaning but very overwhelming.