General Can Healing Be Accomplished Without Therapists?

[Futureseeker]

I strongly believe that my wife suffers from PTSD. She had a very rough upbringing.

I met her when we were in our mid/late 20's. When I first met her I learned that her family was dysfunctional, but not the extent of the dysfunction. During our dating and throughout our marriage she had refused to do much in a way that was sexual. I figured it was due to her parents divorcing when she was a child and that if I was patient she would come around. I come from a very loving home. So the lack of sexual intimacy was not only baffling but hurtful to me. Early in our marriage I would push for the intimacy with very little success, eventually stopped trying. Every other aspect of our relationship is very good.

A few years ago I started to suspect that she held a deep dark secret, didn't know what it was, prehaps sex abuse as a child. About a year and a half ago her family troubles started up again with the death of the family patriarch. A couple of months ago I finally told her that I wanted her forget about her past and her family and all the troubles of her home city. That night I learned her deep dark secrets. She had witness her mother molest her younger brother and she herself had been sexually assaulted by an acquaintance of hers when she was a teenager. She had told her guardians of the assault but the response was that she probably deserved it. After being together for almost 17 years she told me this bit of information. I started to cry, she was surprised I was crying because it had not happened to me. I told her it was because something awful had happened to someone I love. I was the first one she has told about this since telling her guardians.

I have since started to do alot of research on the aftermath of sexual assualts. When I started to read about PTSD and its symptoms, it was like a key fitting a lock. A lot of things were starting to make sense in way my wife behaved, avoidance of certain topics and issues, fear of intimacy. I asked her about flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. She said she had experienced some whenever I tried to be intimate with her.

I have been trying to encourage her to go see a therapist to get a disagnosis and counselling. But she has a great fear of therapists, like they will judge her for being a bad person, they would use the information they would learn to hurt her in some way. So I was wondering is there a way that some one can learn to cope with PTSD without professional help. Is there a way to ease someone into getting pro help?

I have started to see a therapist myself for anxiety and depression that I started to experience. From my discussions with my therapist she believes that my wife is suffering from PTSD.

My wife has bought some self help books but has not taken the time to read them yet, but I have started to read those books myself, but they deal with relationship issues and not directly to PTSD.

I am looking for advice if there is a way to guide her through her pain and to see that life does contain joyful times.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Joel

Sorry to hear of your situation. I'd say this about therapy; if we could do it on our own we'd be doing it. The truth is we can't, I too wish it were otherwise. I understand your wife's fear of being judged. A good and caring therapist would never, ever do such a thing. They are only there to help their patients get better.

You sound like a caring and loving person as well as a supportive one. One has to be ready to take the step forward to get involved in therapy. It took me a long time to get the help I needed. It's work and a challenge but you can improve your situation. Life is both pain and joy at times. It's should never be only pain. Perhaps a therapist that can council both you and your wife might be helpful. She may feel more comfortable in a situation where you're there as well. Best of luck to you and your wife.

JarHed

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that to an extent, yes, we can heal on our own. (I am a sufferer). But, I believe this healing can only go so far. And, in the case of childhood abuse, it's even harder to heal on our own.

Yes, we can learn many skills in a book and apply them to our healing. But what happens when she doesn't fully understand how to apply a skill? What if she gets stuck? What if she needs more support?

Many/most of us go through what is referred to as trauma processing (in one form or another) in order to heal. Usually this requires the expertise of a professional. It is important that she doesn't use you as a therapist. That is, it's not a good idea for her to discuss the trauma in detail with you. Talking in general is ok, just not in detail. One, it is burdensome to speak about it in detail to those we love. They take on our pain and that's not fair. (Even if they say they can handle it, still not a good idea.) Two, she may spin off into a horrible dissociative episode that neither of you will know how to handle. (Yes, this happened to me, and no I don't have a dissociative history. My episode was so bad I landed in the trauma psych hospital for a month.)

Here's a related example. My insomnia is off the charts horrible. I ended up going to see a sleep doctor, and within a month or so, using her laundry list of recommendations, I was sleeping much better. I could have gotten almost all of her recommendations from a sleep hygiene book. The difference was that she took the time to get to know me and my specific issues. Her recommendations were based on knowing my complete sleep history and knowing the nuances of my issue. Some of those recommendations were contrary to what we know helps one sleep. I never would have gotten this much help from a book!

The same goes for actually seeing a therapist versus reading a book. A book gives you general skills to work on. A therapist will be able to tailor your treatment based on your history. Even the books that get into the nitty gritty won't be able to tailor treatment to a specific case.

So it is good that you have the books, and I encourage you to read them. My family likes "PTSD for dummies" (although I haven't read it), Judith Herman's book on trauma is decent although her proposed C-PTSD diagnosis is dead, and in terms of skills manuals, I like "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies" (published in the uk). (I suggested the CBT book because CBT is often used with PTSD sufferers). I've read a lot of other books along the way, these are just the ones that come to mind off the top of my head.

Maybe if she reads the books, she'll be able to open up more, and then feel ok with finding a therapist? Could you help her if it is too overwhelming? (And, of course, she welcomes your help!) I mean help with finding the therapist by doing research, then encourage her to make the call herself? I'm not saying to push her at all, just let her know you'll help her however you can. (My family has helped me find therapists at times and even though I might resist it or shove it aside for a bit, I almost always revisit the idea.)

I wish you the best.

 

[mamachick]

I agree with the other posters. Ultimately, therapy is needed for healing. Self help books are great and can help us to see that our reaction is normal for a traumatic situation. I think it is great that you are going to therapy for yourself. Maybe your sharing some of your experience with your wife will help her to see and know more of how the therapeutic relationship works. Hang in there, I know this must be very hard on you but I am so glad that she has you by her side. I only wish all ptsd people had such supportive relationships.

 

[BeeLee]

Joel, I used to be afraid to go to a therapist, because I was afraid I'd be judged and found guilty, because I blamed myself and how could they not blame me as well? I hated going into public because I thought people were staring at me and judging me and finding me lacking in some way. This is one of the symptoms that we go through. A good therapist will not blame your wife, but will instead help her to not blame herself either. She thinks she is guilty and therefore believes everyone else will judge her and find her guilty as well. I went a long way toward healing myself without therapy, but eventually I came upon a brick wall, something that I could not heal myself from.

We can touch upon the surface pains, perhaps even heal ourselves of those surface pains, but the ones that do the most damage, that hurt the most, are those pains that are much deeper and really require a therapist to be our support and guide and help us to heal our wounds. Ultimately, we do heal ourselves, but the therapist is there to guide, support, lead even sometimes, and allow us to be ourselves without fear of recrimination, guilt, blame. Your wife is very lucky to have you, to be a support for her, but she shouldn't fear a therapist and she will need one to help her reach those deepest depths of pain and trauma. I hope she is able to heal, and that you are too.

 

[Sandstone]

I started to cry, she was surprised I was crying

Joel, it might help you wife to less afraid if she can see that your tears are the normal, natural, healthy response to what she suffered. A therapist will feel that same compassion for her. the difference is that a therapist is not personally involved with her so won't need to be cared for in the way she may feel obliged to protect you.

I had the same experience of my other half being shocked and tearfulwhen I told him, and it did help put things in proportion

 

[Bilby]

Personally, I think that therapy is the only way forward. My husband sought help for his PTSD and was an in-patient for an intensive program, with weekly therapy thereafter for a few months, but he hasn't seen his therapist since, and let's just say, I can tell.

 

[Demon]

:( I am sorry to hear of this but I can very much relate to these feelings your wife has experienced ...wish you luck with it all

 

[LizardViolet]

I agree that therapy is very important, for all the reasons stated above.

It's also important to remember that everyone moves toward healing at their own pace. My boyfriend suffers from complex PTSD from child abuse and combat experience. He is very negative about therapy and may never go. Still, I have seen concrete improvement in his situation over the years we have been together. Small steps.

I see a therapist who has experience with trauma survivors who gives me good perspective about my experiences and interactions with him. I've educated myself about trauma and ptsd, and I've been able to transmit some of what I've learned to him, and understand him better as well.

The books I would suggest, for you and your wife, are Francine Shapiro's Getting Past Your Past and EMDR, and Peter Levine's Waking the Tiger. Peter Levine also has a slim book called Healing Trauma which is a step by step guide to exercises that instill positive resources, reconnect a trauma survivor with her body and teach grounding skills. If your wife is willing, the two of you could go through the exercises. I would be very cautious about it, though, because as noted above, things may come up that are beyond what either of you can deal with in the absence of a mental health professional.

Your wife has already taken a huge step in sharing her past with you. The most important thing I can say is, don't push her.

The second most important thing is that having a supportive partner and a supportive community are very important for healing. Your presence in her life is a very good thing. You might mention the communities here (there is a private section of the boards just for sexual abuse survivors), and there's another big forum called CrazyBoards. It can help a lot to see the experiences of people whose story is similar to hers, to have a community who will hear her and understand where she's coming from, and to get input from people who have been there and come through it.

 

[Abstract]

I agree with what all the others have said here. And I think joining a forum such as this one can be a good means of building up enough trust to attempt therapy if it is presently not possible for her.

The one thing I will add though is that if a supporter does all for someone it may enable them to avoid therapy. All efforts should be focused on that ultimately. But everyone's situation is different.

 

[shadowchaser]

Therapy is best when starting the process. Yeah you can solo it but I don't recommend it. I had to solo it as I have no income and no medical. I've done better without than with although all my friends now see me as a nut job. But I am back to myself for the first time in many years. Yeah I still have the flashbacks and blackouts. But I no longer allow them to control me.

Try to get her into therapy. Opening up to someone you don't know is one of the hardest but most helpful things you can ever do. And no it won't feel like it at the time. It will feel like having your heart ripped out of your body as it's trying to strangle your brain on the way out. But you need a pro to bring you threw this. Things will get worse before they get better.

Don't know how it is with others but when I admitted to myself I was f'ed up is when I got really bad. I realized that others didn't have my issues and I was weird. It's hard. Nearly impossible. And even though the end of me becoming me again was done on my own I wouldn't have been able to do it without the help I got early on.