Can i just say i hate "i statements"?

[Sunset]

I understand the basic idea behind "I statements." The trouble is you do need something that puts the onus on the other person. In my experience, if I say "I feel X when you do Y", the focus becomes not on fixing Y, but on figuring out what's wrong with me and what I should change so I don't feel X. And that's just not what I'm going for - I'm trying to say that Y needs to change.

 

[Friday]

Well it's a 2 part thing.

Letting them know you don't like Y means they can change it IF they want to.

If they don't want to? Then you have 3 choices; do nothing and keep feeling the same way, change the way you feel about it, or bail.

 

[Sunset]

Well it's a 2 part thing.

Letting them know you don't like Y means they can change it IF they want to....

I think my frustration is that sometimes, it feels like a very one-sided thing. Like there isn't even any potential consideration of changing Y, even if it would be easy to change. Because the problem is obviously with my feelings, so it's totally unreasonable for me to ask someone else to change just because I feel something.

 

[joeylittle]

Because the problem is obviously with my feelings, so it's totally unreasonable for me to ask someone else to change just because I feel something.

Does the other person say this, or are you assuming this is what they think, or somewhere in-between?

 

[Sunset]

Does the other person say this, or are you assuming this is what they think, or somewhere in-between...

They don't say that, but it seems to be a fair representation of how they act. I'm not sure how much it matters to me if it's actually what they think. At the end of the day, the problem is I seem to be in a situation where "I think you're being rude/disrespectful" is consistently treated as a problem with my feelings, whereas "You think I'm being rude/disrespectful" is treated as a problem with my behavior.

 

[Friday]

"I think you're being rude/disrespectful" is consistently treated as a problem with my feelings,

When you run into that? It's a fairly simple answer: I'm not willing to change.

It doesn't mean either person is right. It could easily go either way. It just means what they're willing to do or not do.

Case in point: If I'm not wearing a hijab am I being rude and disrespectful? To some, yes. To others, no. Is it within my rights to wear my hair uncovered? Sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes it's highly debatable. If someone tells me my not wearing a hijab makes them feel disrespected, is that my worry? Does it matter to me? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Is someone telling me they feel disrespected by my not wearing a hijab a worry to them? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

I statements aren't a magic bullet. They don't solve all situations.

In dangerous situations, they're outright stupid. Not only do they challenge someone (with a wide range of bad consequences), but they tip your hand. They allow someone else to know what you really think and feel about something, and moreover that it's a problem for you. So there has to be some degree of trust, to begin with. That they won't retaliate against you for making the statement, nor use it against you later. That's a f*cking difficult habit to break. Habits, really.

It can both be shocking when they work -with no consequence- or conversely, infuriating when they don't. The black & white thing. As hard as it is? If you can force feed some grey into there, things tend to go more smoothly. Like sometimes they don't work (but still have no bad consequences), and other times it might actually BE my own attitude that needs adjusting (that just because I'm putting something on the table? Doesn't mean it's something I am not only 100% right about, but prepared to fight to the death over). And 50 or so other options. The nice thing about shades of grey? It means it's not a dangerous situation, but a normal one, So that it actually simplifies matters down to those 3 options; do nothing & nothing changes, change the way perceive it, or leave.

 

[Suzetig]

You can tell someone how their behaviour affects you and they may or may not decide to change what they're doing. You can then decide whether you're going to accept that they've not changed their behaviour, find a place of compromise or change your own behaviour.

So, if someone is persistently late, I'll tell them it wastes my time and feels disrespectful. They might change their behaviour and be on time, if they don't I can either accept that when I see them they're always going to be late and I'll be left hanging about waiting for them, start doing things where timing doesn't matter (e.g. meet in a coffee shop where I'm happy to sit and wait), do my thing anyway and let them catch up if they're late or I could decide I'm not going to make arrangements to do things with them. Or I could tell them if they are more than 5 minutes late I won't wait for them and they can join me when they arrive. All of that is my choice.

I could decide that them not changing is because they don't respect me (and not just that they don't notice time, have way too many things to juggle etc etc) and get really angry, upset and resentful. Or I could decide that it's my job to "make" them change and get ever more furious when they don't. Those are valid choices too but impact adversely on me.

The thing about boundaries is that setting a boundary for yourself based on what is and isn't ok for you and which accounts for how far you'll compromise on a given issue is healthy and respectful. You really can't make someone change their behaviour at all. If they want to change they will, if they don't want to change they won't.

The thing about "I" statements is that they were presented as an example of what assertive communication might look like - and assertiveness does help us make our needs known and negotiate a good outcome with others. "I" statements aren't a magic bullet though, if someone doesn't want to change, no amount of "when you do X I feel Y" will make any difference - that's why knowing your own limits is important.

 

[Sunset]

A lot of it right now for me is feeling financially stuck in a situation that, while not abusive, feels like it still has a lot of disrespect in it. I'm not really comfortable with putting up with the status quo, but in the short-term I don't feel like I have a lot of options.

 

[ladee]

Then perhaps taking that energy to hope the other person changes, and using it to do what is necessary to have financial independence.... both take energy.... one has an outcome that sets you free from having to make "I" statements....

 

[Fadeaway]

My husband flips out the wall when I use I statements. He is very big on the fact that you should never start a sentence with the word I. Before I found this site I started using I statements with him. He would freak out and tell me that no therapist in their right mind would tell me to use narcissism while making accusations against others. So moral of the story, I statements don't work with grammarians who infer a completely different meaning based on the location of a word in a sentence.

It is a real nightmare because he will often (maybe even deliberately) misunderstand me due to word order. "I am going to the store, do you want to go with me?" means something different to him than "Do you want to go with me to the store?" :banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

[Sunset]

Then perhaps taking that energy to hope the other person changes, and using it to do what is necessary to...

I think I'm really trying to figure out how to keep myself sane in the short-term here. Sure, I can work towards financial independence, but that doesn't keep me from making myself sick crying now. And unless I want to leave all my stuff and move into a homeless shelter, financial independence is a process.

 

[ladee]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time.. I was not implying you weren't working toward that goal... support comes in many voices... some more clear than others... Hope you find a way out .... sending gentle hugs if you accept.