• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Sexual Assault am i an abuser? can i just hear your thoughts on this please

wading

New Here
This is my first post ever to any site like this so i apologize if this is not how the post should be formatted i honestly just want to hear from real people outside of my life.

i am 21 now, i was born female but identify as nonbinary ( they/them ) pronouns

when i was 20 years old i finally got into my first relationship ever. He was my first real kiss, first hug first intimacy, first everything. march of 2023 we would have been together dating for about 5 months going in 6 months at this point. and we had known each other for about a year and a half as friends. we were snuggling in his bed i was on his chest he was on his phone but also just you know relaxing. we kissed a few times on and off then i escalated it by just touching him a bit over the clothing thibking he was enjoying being with me. we have had intimacy like this many times before this but this time was different. he didn’t really say or do anything so i just stopped and snuggled back up to him, i was happy and just talking and laughing but then he wanted to talk but i wasnt sure about what. he said that that moment of us together really scared him and he was frozen. he then told me about a story about him being abused by a friend when he was little. i panicked and over apologized and cried and couldn’t understand what happened in the moment. he then said he wasnt sure how he felt about me and i asked if he wanted to break up he said he wasn’t sure. days later he said yes and said he couldn’t forgive me and would think about this everytime we ever tried to do anything. he said he didnt think it was assault and that it was his experience to decide and then later said “after what i had did to him”

Is it wrong that i was blindsided by this? its been a year since then and i am not okay. im in therapy and almost had to be hospitalized but all of my friends and family say we are young and this was a mistake and that im not an abuser. I just want to know if they’re lying to me so i dont hurt myself. i honestly don’t know how to feel about this still i feel like it all happened so fast i think about it at least once a day is that strange? has anyone here ever been through anything like this before.

i really just want to hear from either older people who have lived through a lot of things or just people with sa trauma willing to read my post.
 
Wouldn’t register on my raider as anything more than a relationship that didn’t work out because of their issues.

Allow his issues to be his.

If you are considering self harm, reach out for some real world support. Life doesn’t need to be this distressing - you are allowed to love yourself.
 
To me an abuser is someone who knows where a boundary is and chooses to trample over it anyway. From what you posted, you acted in a way that’s pretty normal for most relationships and when that boundary was erected, you stopped. So no, not abusive. In my opinion based solely on what you’ve said.
 
Wouldn’t register on my raider as anything more than a relationship that didn’t work out because of their issues.

Allow his issues to be his.

If you are considering self harm, reach out for some real world support. Life doesn’t need to be this distressing - you are allowed to love yourself.
thank you for your response, honestly I am trying just to not over think or project onto his experience but this break up / experience i think really caused me to develop my own trauma. i dont leave my house besides when i go to work much, i only trust my mom and my two best friends now, just a myriad of changes i wont drone on about. i just hope i can get over this, i hope soon i can love myself :(

To me an abuser is someone who knows where a boundary is and chooses to trample over it anyway. From what you posted, you acted in a way that’s pretty normal for most relationships and when that boundary was erected, you stopped. So no, not abusive. In my opinion based solely on what you’ve said.
thanks for replying, and thats what i was thinking as well but im not sure if its just my anxiety wanting to make me always out to be the bad guy or something like i feel like i have a huge overthinking complex relationship with the situation, we later got into arguments / i begged for him back and he switched up and then later insinuated that this was not an accident and that i was an abuser, but then said he wanted to be friends but he cant forgive me so i still am very very confused about the situation

You did nothing wrong.

he was triggered. Something for him to manage. Not you.
thanks for replying…. Thats whats really hard for me to understand, if i did nothing wrong i don’t understand why he doesn’t forgive me/ said he wanted to be friends but then changed his mind ignoring me completely. and then later essentially incinuated i was a rapist or some sort of molester. it deeply bothers me and still even a year on im haunted by this. I also felt the need to over apologize so now it looks like i am guilty of something? it confuses me so so bad
 
if i did nothing wrong i don’t understand why he doesn’t forgive me/ said he wanted to be friends but then changed his mind ignoring me completely. and then later essentially incinuated i was a rapist or some sort of molester.
He got triggered, by his own admission.

Being triggered? Does not make the completely NORMAL thing abusive. Being triggered means a person is responding to a completely NORMAL thing, as if it’s abusive.

If you had worn the same cologne/perfume, or opened a door a certain way, or sneezed, or bought new dish soap, or just had the best sex of your life, or turned off a light to watch a movie? All of those things, and thousands upon thousands more, could have triggered him. None of those thousands of things makes you abusive. Even though he may FEEL that way. Triggers do that. You are not responsible for anyone else’s triggers. We are each of us responsible for our own triggers. Full stop.
 
Back
Top