Sexual Assault am i an abuser? can i just hear your thoughts on this please

[wading]

This is my first post ever to any site like this so i apologize if this is not how the post should be formatted i honestly just want to hear from real people outside of my life.

i am 21 now, i was born female but identify as nonbinary ( they/them ) pronouns

when i was 20 years old i finally got into my first relationship ever. He was my first real kiss, first hug first intimacy, first everything. march of 2023 we would have been together dating for about 5 months going in 6 months at this point. and we had known each other for about a year and a half as friends. we were snuggling in his bed i was on his chest he was on his phone but also just you know relaxing. we kissed a few times on and off then i escalated it by just touching him a bit over the clothing thibking he was enjoying being with me. we have had intimacy like this many times before this but this time was different. he didn’t really say or do anything so i just stopped and snuggled back up to him, i was happy and just talking and laughing but then he wanted to talk but i wasnt sure about what. he said that that moment of us together really scared him and he was frozen. he then told me about a story about him being abused by a friend when he was little. i panicked and over apologized and cried and couldn’t understand what happened in the moment. he then said he wasnt sure how he felt about me and i asked if he wanted to break up he said he wasn’t sure. days later he said yes and said he couldn’t forgive me and would think about this everytime we ever tried to do anything. he said he didnt think it was assault and that it was his experience to decide and then later said “after what i had did to him”

Is it wrong that i was blindsided by this? its been a year since then and i am not okay. im in therapy and almost had to be hospitalized but all of my friends and family say we are young and this was a mistake and that im not an abuser. I just want to know if they’re lying to me so i dont hurt myself. i honestly don’t know how to feel about this still i feel like it all happened so fast i think about it at least once a day is that strange? has anyone here ever been through anything like this before.

i really just want to hear from either older people who have lived through a lot of things or just people with sa trauma willing to read my post.

 

[Sideways]

Wouldn’t register on my raider as anything more than a relationship that didn’t work out because of their issues.

Allow his issues to be his.

If you are considering self harm, reach out for some real world support. Life doesn’t need to be this distressing - you are allowed to love yourself.

 

[Movingforward10]

You did nothing wrong.

he was triggered. Something for him to manage. Not you.

 

[OceanSpray]

To me an abuser is someone who knows where a boundary is and chooses to trample over it anyway. From what you posted, you acted in a way that’s pretty normal for most relationships and when that boundary was erected, you stopped. So no, not abusive. In my opinion based solely on what you’ve said.

 

[wading]

Wouldn’t register on my raider as anything more than a relationship that didn’t work out because of their issues.

Allow his issues to be his.

If you are considering self harm, reach out for some real world support. Life doesn’t need to be this distressing - you are allowed to love yourself.

thank you for your response, honestly I am trying just to not over think or project onto his experience but this break up / experience i think really caused me to develop my own trauma. i dont leave my house besides when i go to work much, i only trust my mom and my two best friends now, just a myriad of changes i wont drone on about. i just hope i can get over this, i hope soon i can love myself :(

To me an abuser is someone who knows where a boundary is and chooses to trample over it anyway. From what you posted, you acted in a way that’s pretty normal for most relationships and when that boundary was erected, you stopped. So no, not abusive. In my opinion based solely on what you’ve said.

thanks for replying, and thats what i was thinking as well but im not sure if its just my anxiety wanting to make me always out to be the bad guy or something like i feel like i have a huge overthinking complex relationship with the situation, we later got into arguments / i begged for him back and he switched up and then later insinuated that this was not an accident and that i was an abuser, but then said he wanted to be friends but he cant forgive me so i still am very very confused about the situation

You did nothing wrong.

he was triggered. Something for him to manage. Not you.

thanks for replying…. Thats whats really hard for me to understand, if i did nothing wrong i don’t understand why he doesn’t forgive me/ said he wanted to be friends but then changed his mind ignoring me completely. and then later essentially incinuated i was a rapist or some sort of molester. it deeply bothers me and still even a year on im haunted by this. I also felt the need to over apologize so now it looks like i am guilty of something? it confuses me so so bad

 

[Friday]

if i did nothing wrong i don’t understand why he doesn’t forgive me/ said he wanted to be friends but then changed his mind ignoring me completely. and then later essentially incinuated i was a rapist or some sort of molester.

He got triggered, by his own admission.

Being triggered? Does not make the completely NORMAL thing abusive. Being triggered means a person is responding to a completely NORMAL thing, as if it’s abusive.

If you had worn the same cologne/perfume, or opened a door a certain way, or sneezed, or bought new dish soap, or just had the best sex of your life, or turned off a light to watch a movie? All of those things, and thousands upon thousands more, could have triggered him. None of those thousands of things makes you abusive. Even though he may FEEL that way. Triggers do that. You are not responsible for anyone else’s triggers. We are each of us responsible for our own triggers. Full stop.

 

[Movingforward10]

Being triggered? Does not make the completely NORMAL thing abusive. Being triggered means a person is responding to a completely NORMAL thing, as if it’s abusive.

It's such a good reminder that a trigger is this.

 

[Dreas209]

This is my first post ever to any site like this so i apologize if this is not how the post should be formatted i honestly just want to hear from real people outside of my life.

i am 21 now, i was born female but identify as nonbinary ( they/them ) pronouns

when i was 20 years old i finally got into my first relationship ever. He was my first real kiss, first hug first intimacy, first everything. march of 2023 we would have been together dating for about 5 months going in 6 months at this point. and we had known each other for about a year and a half as friends. we were snuggling in his bed i was on his chest he was on his phone but also just you know relaxing. we kissed a few times on and off then i escalated it by just touching him a bit over the clothing thibking he was enjoying being with me. we have had intimacy like this many times before this but this time was different. he didn’t really say or do anything so i just stopped and snuggled back up to him, i was happy and just talking and laughing but then he wanted to talk but i wasnt sure about what. he said that that moment of us together really scared him and he was frozen. he then told me about a story about him being abused by a friend when he was little. i panicked and over apologized and cried and couldn’t understand what happened in the moment. he then said he wasnt sure how he felt about me and i asked if he wanted to break up he said he wasn’t sure. days later he said yes and said he couldn’t forgive me and would think about this everytime we ever tried to do anything. he said he didnt think it was assault and that it was his experience to decide and then later said “after what i had did to him”

Is it wrong that i was blindsided by this? its been a year since then and i am not okay. im in therapy and almost had to be hospitalized but all of my friends and family say we are young and this was a mistake and that im not an abuser. I just want to know if they’re lying to me so i dont hurt myself. i honestly don’t know how to feel about this still i feel like it all happened so fast i think about it at least once a day is that strange? has anyone here ever been through anything like this before.

i really just want to hear from either older people who have lived through a lot of things or just people with sa trauma willing to read my post.

You are not an abuser. There are things you learn about yourself growing up and into the person you will be from the person that you were yesterday and even today. He has had a bad experience and that is what keeps him from
Connecting with people because he had had bad experiences. This does not give him any right to put anyone else thru the ringer when they ought not be rung. I feel like from what you say he doesnt know what his emotions convey and physical is often very emotional and scary and maybe he just was overwhelmed.slightly feeling like he did not want to like those components in then same box and put it off on you so that he doesnt feel about it all and I say that out of knowledge of also doing something simular but i dd not leave it so open ended and all on the other person. At that point in my life i was figuring my self out enough to understand myself and so made the genuine effort to help them understand that also even so they are right when they say it wont work becaus it has this bad thing about it the trick is figuring out what exactly that bad was and it wasnt you .

 

[oh!theperspicacity]

I used to think I was an abuser or potential abuser because memories of horrific things I read online once that had vicariously traumatised me kept replaying in my head. I thought, why would these things pop in my head? Does this mean I will act on them etc etc. My psychiatrist reassured me that the very fact that I was worried about being an abuser told him that I had no intention of acting on the thoughts or causing harm. It sounds like you were unaware of their trauma when you made a move and so you weren't intentionally crossing a boundary. Also sounds like, they were massively triggered and haven't done any previous trauma work or received help for the previous abuse otherwise they wouldn't be accusing you of abusing them.