Relationship Can some with ptsd have loving relationships

[Hojay]

He was very cold and negative which is not usually him. He also told me about some of my personal business dealings with someone else.

In what sense? It sounds a bit like he’s found a new reason to give you for why he wants you to stay away? It’s starting to sound a bit like he’s stringing you along, albeit not consciously most likely. He’s keeping you close enough to keep your hopes up, but when you try and find some clarity, he finds a way to reject you. PTSD or not, this is a boundary moment. You matter too. Being a strong supporter doesn’t mean ceding all needs. It means finding the right balance between two people. Both have to participate. All this sounds very painful, I’m sorry B.J.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

In what sense? It sounds a bit like he’s found a new reason to give you for why he wants you to stay aw...

You’re absolutely right @Hojay! I’ve mentioned in earlier post that I had feelings that he may be a jerk using his illness to his advantage, or he may not be aware of his behavior; either way, I believe I’m losing interest. After I realized that he was not even wanting to try and repair our friendship, and it has been five months, I knew that this was a battle I couldn’t win, ptsd or not. For what ever illogical reason, he’s decided to turn me into a villain,and with the length of time connected to it, I am starting to believe he’s either back with that toxic demon he lied about, or he’s super symptomatic and has been since November.

 

[Freida]

I'm very proud of you @B.J. I know how hard this must be for you, but I'm glad to see that you are beginning to put yourself first in this

 

[Hojay]

After I realized that he was not even wanting to try and repair our friendship, and it has been five months, I knew that this was a battle I couldn’t win, ptsd or not.

I know I've been commenting quite a bit on your posts. Maybe I'm totally off the mark and projecting my own life experiences too heavily here, but something about what you've described, plus all the ways he's been somehow keeping you in pursuant mode (and you letting him,) has kind of raised a few flags. Maybe that's just me and my hyper-vigilance :)

I think it's important to know the difference between an explanation for behavior and an excuse. When I first learned about PTSD I took it as an excuse for everything under the sun. After coming on here and learning how much they actually DO have control over, I changed my tune dramatically. Now I know that I can explain most of his behavior, but some things I refuse to excuse because of it.

Maybe he's a full-blown jerk with PTSD. Maybe he has jerkish tendencies. Maybe he's none of that, but is very symptomatic. Either way, you're the pursuer, he's the avoidant. Avoidants always have the control in relationships. And something, I don't know what, is telling me he doesn't mind having all the control here. I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say it's maybe the way he 1. blamed you for the breakup entirely, 2. avoids all clarifying, eye-level talk (or reacting to it by blaming you for more and other things,) and 3. soaks up your support and kindness and reinforces that behavior by giving you a reaction. Something about that sounds a bit inconsistent to me.

Anyway, I don't want to get ahead of myself here or step out of line. Just make sure you protect yourself and focus on your own feelings of guilt, which, I strongly believe, is what is keeping you hooked in this matter, but will fade sooner than you think with some distance and clarity.

PS: your posts are helpful to me also because I'm always on the lookout for where PTSD ends and jerkdom starts. So I've been mulling over your situation a bit...

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I know I've been commenting quite a bit on your posts. Maybe I'm totally off the mark and projecting my o...

Thanks so much @Hojay. You’re definitely not out of line. I enjoy positive feed back on my situation. I believe you’re right in stating all three possibilities. He was a very kind-hearted, charismatic, sweet man who cared about my well-being. He always reminded me of his love and care. He was always available when I needed him.

I’m just noticing how easy it is for him to turn me into this villain that I never knew existed. Right now he despises me and I can’t imagine exactly why. Even after the break up we had a nice friendship; now he defending my friends from me. Huh? Needless to say, I’m at a complete loss.