Can Somebody Tell Me What This Is? Starting To Lose Hope Again

[Pearl Black Eyes]

You would think I'd be much farther along than I am now considering all my "break throughs," but I'm still isolated, avoidant and miserable. My official diagnosis is PTSD, but there's no question that I struggle also with body dysmorphia and exhibit an avoidant personality. I work harder on myself than anyone I know. I incorporate CBT, DBT and mindfulness techniques along with some more "alternative" type therapies. I've found EFT, acupuncture and EMDR along with an energy healing technique to be the most helpful so far. I seem to have mild/moderate to intense reactions to them. Intense crying jags where it feels like the floodgates have burst open and I'm being cleansed of years of all the pain I've carried around, convulsions, body aches, memories being recovered, nausea accompanied by a cleansing reaction of the body and milder things like excessive yawning and tingling. Now the more intense reactions that I mentioned are not at all infrequent. I'll have what feels like some kind of breakthrough, only to feel more or less the same a day later. Like nothing has really changed.

Progress has been made since my break down a year ago, but my God... Sometimes it feels like I'm having some kind of spiritual rebirth or something, like every month. It feels so significant at the time and I'm so grateful only to find I'm still pretty much in the same place spinning my wheels. It's so despiriting. I get so tempted just to throw in the towel. On everything. Life.

I'm feeling really low right now

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

It's really hard work when you are getting therapy and doing a lot to improve yourself, it gets very tiring and very difficult for every day life on top of it. For me, I had a lot of set backs before the therapy and life changes really started to show and to help me.

I know what you mean. Hang in there.

 

[Whitneys story]

I'm feeling really low right now

This is quite a lot to process. I can only hope you are patient with yourself. Being new to this myself and not diagnosed, I know you will find others who can relate. I think the only thing this forum is missing is a sign on the door that reminds us it takes time. Whatever brought you this far you should be proud of. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves we are worth every minute of our journey. You will never be alone! Hugs if you accept them, Whitney

 

[Hashi]

I really relate to what you said. I also do many things, go through a lot of intense reactions, including what I think are breakthroughs, then wonder if I've got anywhere at all. I've been going through this for some time, and it's very dispiriting, especially because I see what I'm aiming for is not just functioning but healing. There's a spiritual aspect to it (I'm not religious, I see it as a metaphysical/energetic thing).

I'm trying to take a different approach now, of accepting how things are. I'm trying to see it differently, so that rather than thinking I've made progress then suddenly it's as if there's been no progress at all, I'm trying to see that in all the pain I'm managing moments of healing. I sometimes wonder if what I'm meant to heal is not so much the manifestations/pain I'm so focussed on but to learn acceptance and surrender. (I think DBT touches on it in making the distinction between pain and suffering.)

In my case, I think there are two aspects to it. My therapist was talking with me last week about healing crises and how we move between healing/inspiritation and despair/bleakness. On a smaller level, I think doing energy work and rewiring our minds with behavioural therapy can make big changes that are hard for us to adjust to, so we have to keep reverting to what we knew before until we can accept that.

I don't know if any of that makes any sense, but anyway I wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through what you are, and feeling so dispirited.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi- I do not have the words to express how sad I am that you are so low. It will pass and you will have some good days. And more and more good days.

Learning how to manage the symptoms is very helpful. it gets hard when so bogged down. Mabe tommorow will be a better day.

Yeah there will be days when you will feel like giving up and chucking the whole thing. I wonder if you are giving yourself breaks and dosing your self on this stufff.

Working on yourself so hard is commendable, but on the bad days, I temd to take care of myself and not push myself so hard. It gives a chance to recharge the batteries so to speak. i hope you find out what works for you in finding balance in all of these things you are facing and dealing with. Please begentle on yourself and try to get some rest and eat and breathe. Take care. big hug.

 

[Pearl Black Eyes]

Thank you everyone. This has been helpful. And yes, hugs are accepted ;)

I'm glad people can relate to what I said, but I just wish it didn't have to be through suffering.

Hashi, I too am not religious. I suppose being brought up as a child in a joyless cultish religion turned me off to religion all together. I am more on the spiritual side of things and though I use some "new agey" techniques, I don't really follow a new age theology. I guess I just use what works for me and many energy techniques do work for me. And btw what you said DOES make a lot of sense to me.

So a little update...

Today I am feeling much better. I've continued doing what I have been doing to heal and I am recognizing progress. Real progress. I'm feeling more hopeful and things that felt like impossibilities are looking more and more like possibilities.

 

[Tinyflame]

I've had that occur a lot, PBE. I think it's like they say, "peeling an onion".
'Baby steps'.

But take heart, I think I am getting closer to the center of the onion, if that makes sense. :confused: 'Understandings' or 'lightbulbs' don't feel as much out from left field now as almost more like a methodical, step-wise 'process'.

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better, :), Hugs.

 

[Whitneys story]

I just wish it didn't have to be through suffering. I'm feeling more hopeful and things that felt like impossibilities are looking more and more like possibilities.

((((Pearl Black Eyes)))) Outstanding update! The suffering is what I don't understand. Have we not already suffered enough? Prompts me to research the question! Be patient and keep up the great outlook. Hugs Whitney

 

[Hashi]

I've had that occur a lot, PBE. I think it's like they say, "peeling an onion".

Because it makes us cry so much? ;)

 

[Tinyflame]

Hee, yes- and it's worse at the center. :p

 

[freakofnurture]

Aren't we all waiting for spontaneous remission? *sigh*

I know that feel, sis. Changes in thinking, the impression that you had a deep insight and gained a better understanding of your problems and then... nothing. I think it's because knowledge and understanding are only one small part of the healing equation.

We can learn to regulate/avoid aggravating our emotions by thoughts and other behaviours, and we can change habits that bring us down. But we are still largely at the mercy of our brain. Because while the brain is an organ that can react and change very quickly on some level, it is also a sloth with a massive bucket of concrete on each foot on many others.

So, it takes a lot of time and the steps are always small, no matter how big they feel. But sooner or later progress will show. And it does, I'm glad to read in your last post.

 

[Abrasky]

I know what you feel like, trying to drive around a cicuit is so frustrating isn't it when the same roadblocks keep coming up. Progress with PTSD is like half a snails pace.

It is good sometimes to look back and see where you have come from I think. That helps me feel better sometimes. Learning to appreciate small steps is a good quality I think PTSD taught this little things appreciation more than anything else. It doesn't make it any easier though. : (

Agree it is like peeling an onion, without washing your hands to help with the acid. It is horrible to peel and there are just so many layers. It is like an onion tardis (phone box transporter) from Doctor Who.