General Can The Association Of Stressors/ Triggers Be Changed?

[Sunshine71]

Hi all

Hope this is OK to post as I have just asked Anthony - I really need some advice / experience as my marriage/ depends on this I feel now...

Can the association of stressors/ triggers be changed?

My son and I are now my husbands stressors/ triggers and this is hurting him even more as he loves us so much.

Can the association be broken in your opinion or with your experience?

MANY thanks

Sunshine

 

[p-no]

My experience is that generally, yes, it is possible as I've done it. Now the but for me lies in the severeness of the trigger... I am convinced that in my case some could never change just because I would not take the risk (even though that does not make sense, even to me, because a trigger is a trigger and not the original trauma/person).

I think that it may well be possible to change the being a stressor around by setting up clear rules. I did that with my ex-husband and that worked well for me. To give you an example (my therapist at the time had suggested this): We said that either of us could use a certain object (a special stone in our case) to "say" something. W, hen it was put in a certain place in the apartment, it meant that the other one needed space (at home) and the other one would leave the one who put the stone there alone until they came back. Needless to say it is key to follow those rules. It may feel risky at first (fear of withdrawal of the other, just to mention one thing), but from my experience I can only recommend trying it. My ex-husband was a "copier", i.e. he copied my behaviour, so if I stuck to the rules, he would too (once he'd learned that I would). What I'm saying is, if you try, make sure that these rules do have their agreed-upon effect, and don't suddenly e.g. come up with an "emergency" that really isn't (we had said that we can approach the other if there's an emergency; it helps talking about the definitions of the words you use (what IS an emergency of the kind for which you can approach the other) beforehand).

Generally, as said, triggers can be done away with (as in the e.g. object doesn't trigger anymore but is neutral) and they can be turned into positives, in the sense that I had big trouble with a certain look (hair color, body posture, facial expression) of a man, but now I do have friends with those features and I don't even notice anymore and I just realized now because you asked that those triggers are gone and not neutral but replaced by good. (Sorry, difficult to explain...)

 

[Hashi]

Yes, I've changed the associations of things that used to be triggers. This has included people. It's about separating the past from the present and recognising that they're different people and different situations.

It's very difficult if the triggering people are abusive. For example my previous boss, who I was in the office with every day, was a bully who would shout and kick furniture. He actually used to use some exact phrases that were shouted at me when I was attacked. I can't say I was able to make it a completely neutral association but I was able to stop the association as soon as it started.

With safe people it has been less difficult. I used to find it very triggering to be near people who were similar to my attackers, from the same socio-economic group and with the same mannerisms and way of talking. I think I understand what prime-no means by a new association being good rather than neutral. It was important for me to focus on the positives of such people in the present. That way I created not only a distinction between the people connected to the trauma, and similar people now who are nothing to do with the trauma, but I actually "rewrote" my reaction to those kinds of people to be a more positive reaction.

In my experience of it, how I did it was in itself a straightforward idea. I had a way that made sense to me, other people might have a different way that makes sense to them. I found that the struggle wasn't knowing what I should do, it was the discipline and determination to do it. I had to accept that it required a level of effort which, frankly, I didn't want to have to make. I would rather have avoided, or decided it was too much.

I don't mean in terms of anxiety or retraumatisation, I do protect myself from those because I don't believe it's right for me to push through those reactions. They're a warning sign I pay attention to. I mean pushing through stress, discomfort and fatigue. I have to do a huge amount of work on grounding, coping and self-management, and I've found there's no way around that if I want to move forward. Even if I don't always do them particularly well, doing them consistently is what's key, and what makes me able to work on recovery. They're skills that can be learnt and practised, and I think they're the footwork that lets us work on other things.

I'm sorry the situation is so difficult. I hope you can all find a way through this.

 

[Abrasky]

Yes it can. My biggest trigger from my PTSD was the reason I was attacked, talking to bosses at work. I wasn't able to work for 13 years, and have now held a part time job for 1 year and 1 month. I also don't seem to have any trouble talking to my boss, overdoing the talking bit I think.

I was afraid of catching the bus once but removed this trigger.

It all happens when the right memory or swarm of memories returns for that particular trigger.( At least for me that is what happened to get rid of the association).

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you amazing people for sharing and giving me hope....

I don't know whether unconsciously hubby is trying to hurt himself? Be turning the people he loves the most into this nightmare? I feel I living a horror film....

I have some hope now - and welcome any more answers too.

Love to you all Sunshine x

 

[Hashi]

I don't know whether unconsciously hubby is trying to hurt himself?

If it's OK to ask, what does he think about it all?

 

[Sunshine71]

Hi Hashi

He hates the flashbacks - they are debilitating. He hates the fact that he cant think straight. Thats he gets confused to the point of not knowing who he is or where he lives at times.

He says he hates himself and every day is a struggle. It is so so sad. We have everything going for us.

A lovely family, a nice house with a tiny mortgage - he is doing work he enjoys (well trying to build a small business). We love each other but when he goes down he wants to die....

Sunshine

 

[Hashi]

Sunshine, I read your other post about the treatment centre you found. I really hope it will help with all this. Sending good thoughts your way.