Can Therapy On Self And Relationship Like This Together Work

[Pickle]

Has anyone experienced working on themselves while trying to stay and work through an emotionally/physically abusive relationship? We are in therapy (together )and I am recently resentful and just don't want to be around him. Most advice is to leave a relationship like this but I am having difficulty making clear decisions.

 

[Heather]

This is a tough one. I have gone to d.v. groups and they say the most dangerous time in a person's life is when they decide to leave their abuser so if you do, make sure you have a plan in place. also it would be a good idea to get in touch with a d.v. counselor so, if you do decide to leave they can direct you to a safe house. I stayed for a very, very long time because I thought I couldn't make it on my own. That's what most of the women in the d.v. groups say that's the worst not the physical abuse it's the emotional/verbal abuse being belittled all the time. It destroys who you are as a person. I hope you find the strength to make a clear decision and know that YOU ARE WORTH having a normal healthy life, with normal healthy people.

 

[Nicolette]

Been there done that - you can't break unhealthy (abusive) relationships while trying to survive in one IMHO. If you're not both heading in the same direction wanting to make it work resentment can consume you & take away the strength you need to get out. If you want to leave I suggest you have a plan for your safety as well as changes to contact details making sure they are unlisted.

 

[Pickle]

Hi Heather and Nicolette,

Thank you both for replying. It helps to hear others opinions and thoughts when you are hearing your own bouncing around continuously and conflictingly in your head. In a lot of ways the person I was does feel destroyed, Heather. That is well put.

I don't feel that I have the situation where I will be in danger if I leave but I understand why you gave that advice. We've done this before. I seem more affected now by small issues or maybe more aware of implications; not sure. One voice in my head says I should definately get myself gone and of course I will be fine. The other says I can stick this out its really not that bad he is in therapy and wants to get better and how can I walk away from that. Another voice says I will not survive leaving; especially the lonliness. The next voice says I already am not surviving the lonliness and that seems unlikely to change. I go in circles. The therapist seems to think we are making progress and are not doomed but really what therapist would tell you you were? All of this is exhausting because nothing really feels right because "a normal healthy life with normal healthy people" seems so far off with any choice.

I'm sending some good energy to you, Nicolette. It looks like you are having a hard day, too.

 

[Heather]

just one more thought - i've been in relationships before where they were work a lot of hard work and it shouldn't have to be that hard. When it's right between two people it should be "easy" I'm not saying all the time and yes you will have to put effort into it and talk and at times work at it but it shouldn't be hard all the time. I have relationships now with men that are easy because hard just doesn't do it for me any more it just takes to much effort. Heather