Cancellation

[Leah123]

I called my therapist for our regular phone session half hour ago. "Did you get my message," she asked me. "No," I said. Silence. "I'll just check the message and go from there," I said, hoping she needed a few extra minutes, that happens sometimes.

But then I read the message. She's having a family crisis. It's a legitimate, serious one. So my session is cancelled, no idea when I'll get to talk to her.

I felt so upset. This week I've had a crisis, but not an external one, so I feel guilty, mine is just I guess from being badly triggered Sunday and I've been feeling very unsteady this week, the worst my symptoms have been in a long time. I had to miss our last appointment as I was too ill to talk, and she misunderstood the letters I wrote her (writing is a paid for part of my therapy) and was unhelpful all week as a result. I got in touch with her to clear it up last night, we had a very powerful 20 minute call (paid for) and so... I dunno... I was really ready for my session today.

I do care about her and I do care about her family crisis and I hope it's resolved for the best soon.

But I feel..... bad that I depend on her, it's worse than not having anyone at all right now, and just... I don't feel good. My emotions are..... messy, and I've had a couple panic attacks and not sleeping too well, and anxiety and unfocused and...

I could use some kind words and you all are the only folks I could think of who might understand, and I just really need someone who calls this normal too. This stupid PTSD that's flaring up. :(

I could use some help not feeling alone. My T thought I needed to talk to her to connect this week, but I told her last night, it wasn't that- I needed some help to feel connected to the human race at all. Help.

 

[Leah123]

I'm just tired I guess, as to why I don't have more perspective. I "know" better, but I feel horrible. I'm fine and not fine.

 

[hodge]

I'm sorry about your T, Leah. You're not alone here. I'm glad she was able to speak with you on the phone last night. Hang in there. You might get distracted by going on chat? Sometimes, people are really funny on there and it helps. But people also come on with immediate problems, and there's often someone there to support you.

 

[mrsps]

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time and your T is not available. I know what its like to "depend" on our T. They are the one person who we form a unique bond with, as we share such deep feelings etc with them, and they are so gentle and caring. Most of the time its the things that were missing for us when younger that our T's give us and it makes us feel good.
I hope you can be gentle and caring towards yourself right now so you can get through the day.
Remember your T does care, its just bad timing with what has happened in her life.
take care

 

[Leah123]

I'm feeling bad about not having the session especially because I was expecting it so much. I had plans for this one, to help me feel more.... settled after such an unsettling week.

But I am starting to feel that therapy isn't maybe best for me anymore. I've done it nearly 3 years this go around (last round was 20 years ago), 2-3 sessions a week and writing daily. High intensity therapy, and I'm high functioning, job, marriage, just got my degree, raising my daughter, etc. I've done so much work in therapy and it's paid off.

I'm starting to feel like... my life isn't good enough OR bad enough to justify continuing therapy- because I've made a lot of improvements and right now, the cost of therapy (out of pocket) and the difficulty and anxiety I have when it doesn't go well or things fall through... it might be outweighing the gains.

I've cut back a fair amount already- started with like 6 hours of sessions a week at first and endless long emails, now it's 90 minutes a week and lot of email but mostly shorter and less intense. things aren't perfect, I have things I want to work on, but I don't know that she can truly help me with some of them, not her specialty or interest I don;t think.

I've said more than once that I'd want to be in therapy forever, that it's something I want to do- work on myself and have that relationship, that caring knowledgeable mentor figure. But.... especially right now, its very hard to justify the emotional pain she's exacerbated this week or the money, I think I'd be on a more even keel if I hadn't expected or depended on her this week. :(

I am very upset and tired, so there is that, but... it's so hard. I am doing better talking with my husband and such... and... I just feel.... between the misfires and plateauing and the high cost when I have a lot of financial obligations...

should I do the unthinkable and start talking about termination. :( I never want to not have her in my life, but I do not know. I can't believe I'm writing this.

 

[Suzetig]

I think that's something maybe to sleep on? I know you've had a very intense, close relationship with your T and there have been ups and downs along the way and this sounds like a disappointment on the back of a week where you've been misattuned.

Treat yourself like you would a child that needed care, perhaps? Some comforting food, rest abd caring to soothe the raggedy bits and then see how you feel. Might be time to play about with session length/frequency, email contact etc. or book in a break for a couple of weeks and see how that feels?

I hear you saying there's not enough wrong to need therapy but maybe this time is an adjustment to having a relationship that becomes more equal, less demanding or urgent - kind of like we grow away from our parents? So not necessarily terminating, unless that's what you want to do, but more regulating timing etc to your wants and needs while recognising you're able to do lots of things by yourself as a capable adult, and maintaining the relationship for support?

I hope you're doing ok, sounds like a very hard place to be.

 

[Leah123]

Yeah, I'll definitely sleep on it. It does make sense to think about dropping down to lower frequency, maybe cutting the cost in half instead of terminating, except... seems to me.. it's easier to do without someone than to feel like I don't have enough. :( Like, cleaner and simpler, so I can move on and out. However, that doesn't mean some type of relationship maintenance with her isn't a useful idea, either way, yeah, nothing I'd do today, but if it was not for her family crisis, I'd be talking to her about this right now probably, but of course I won't.

 

[Leah123]

Treat yourself like you would a child that needed care, perhaps? Some comforting food, rest abd caring to soothe the raggedy bits and then see how you feel..

I'd like to do that a lot, but we have so many plans, I can't get enough sleep right now or do much for myself, but I'm trying to manage until I can, until later. It's hard to move right now, and I've got to. All I want is sleep and just feel like crying.

 

[hodge]

Sleep and crying can be soothing, Leah. Take care :hug:s